My most favorite lizard ever!

FYI - I hate snakes. Really, really hate snakes. And I have a hard time with lizards too. Hate 'em. Why? Cause they look like snakes. Snakes with little stubby arms and legs and sharp claws. And they're too fast and move too sporadically to have a clue whether or not they're running away from you or running under your foot as you try to escape their habitat.

Most animals would run away. Squirrels sometimes don't know which direction to run either, and that's why you'll see them smooshed. I like squirrels. Smooshed squirrels can make me feel sad. Smooshed snakes, on the other hand, those bring me a sigh of relief, well, mixed with anxiety about there having been a snake within my smooshing vicinity - or for me to see it smooshed, cause that means it was once there alive and since I am now there living and viewing it, it once intruded upon my personal safety zone. Of course, though, I don't see smooshed snakes all that often. Most people around here either let them live free or chop their heads off and then dispose of both parts very carefully.

(Relevant side note - where I live we have rattle snakes and those are scary. If you happen to get "bit" by a dead snake then you can still be poisoned by their venom so be very careful around snakes even if they're dead.)

Smooshed lizards on the other hand - well, I don't see that all too often either. The birds try to get them before they can commit suicide under your car. Here, though, while walking the dog the other day, I found a smooshed lizard. Hope you like him. I've named him Sam.

When Animals Attack

Dear International News Agencies,

Recently there has been a surge in strange animal activity. At times these stories have a definite impact upon the state of our planet, the birth of nearly extinct animals, the loss of another species, and the like, while at others, these stories are geared directly at my worst nightmares.

In the past few months there were stories about an anaconda which has been stealing goats and small children. The creature was caught by a grandfather trying to stop the animal from digesting his grandson. The appropriate photographs of the school age child were included, as was the grandfather, and the monstorous snake body. I mistakenly believed that anacondas did not eat people, especially not people larger than a grown goat. Thank you for informing me otherwise.

Last week was the story about the crocodile that attacked the State Trooper's vehicle. I was always under the impression that you were safe from crocodiles if you remained inside a locked, and moving, vehicle. Thank you for the enlightenment. Crodociles will attack, disable, and attempt to devour your vehicle on their way to your meaty human flesh. I will sleep better at night.

There have been stories of people stung by scorpions during the middle of an international flight and while in the grocery store shopping for fruit. While I had always believed scorpions to be outdoor creature, not prone to airports or fruitstands, I now know better. I once had to kill a very large and quite deadly scorpion in order to save my dog's life. It was a horrible experience, the crunching and the clawing, the way it would not die - it is one I do not wish to repeat. I shall always be on the alert. The next time I board a plane I will thoroughly check my seat cushions prior to take off so the flight attendant can dispose of any scorpions for me. And I shall abstain from all fruit, maybe I should include all vegetables too.

Then today was the article that brought me back to my child hood fears. It related to a few other stories I recently saw that have yet to leave my conscious thought. They deal with old childhood stories about small insects and other bugs making a home out of your nose, ear, hair, or skin.

There was recently a story of about someone who went to the doctor for a rather unusual skin disturbance. As the doctor poked and prodded the skin it erupted and hundreds of baby spiders made it's way down the obliging incubator's neck. Now, I don't suppose any of the waiting patients remained in their rooms after hearing the multitude of screams and the resulting level of hysteria, but I could be wrong. As you have shown me so recently, I frequently am.

And today, well, today you were kind enough to headline the story about the young boy who heard the crackling noises of a pair of spiders taking a walk through of their new home, his eardrum. Unfortunately the doctor had to irrigate his ear canal to discover the spiders and in the process killed one, and destroyed their home, so you were not actually able to provide the relevant photos with this story.

I would like to thank you, International News Agencies, for bringing back my childhood fears and nightmares. As I had grown and matured I convinced myself these fears were irrational old tales told to scare one another at a sleep over - you have now taken that magical world away for all future children who will have to find more creative and disgusting ways to scare on another at a sleepover, and opened my eyes to the fact that yes, sometimes children are smarter than adults, some adults are just living in a dream world, thinking that disease, fires, wars, and famine are the frightening things in live. While they may be frightening, I fear it is far more likely some spider will appropriate my body while I sleep and months later I will give birth to a litter of mutant spider babies.

Sleep well my friends.

And now I know why credit cards inflate their interest rates

I got a card with Juniper Bank, Apple’s financing company, about a year ago. Soon thereafter I tried to access it online and couldn’t create an account. I called them to find out why and I was able to learn that my social security number is wrong. As I don't know what the wrong number is, I only know the right number, they won't give me my account information - I can't confirm that I am me! I asked them to fix it, they said ok. They didn’t. I called back - “please fix it,” they didn’t. I wrote - same story. And on and on it went.

After many months I was getting pissed and called up again to discuss their incompetence - and the kind man on the phone said:

“Hey, it’s not your social right, so don’t pay the bill.”

I was rather confused and he explained, “If it’s not your social it’s not your credit report so what are they going to do to you if you don’t pay the bill. It’s not going to show on your credit if you don’t pay it, so just stop paying and maybe you’ll get their attention. If it doesn’t, then consider it compensation for your trouble.”

I know that it’s not legally sound advice for me to hand out to you, but I’m thinking that since their employee told me to stop paying my bill - and yes, it was one of those recorded conversations so they can find it - I may have some ground to stand on.

I wish more customer service agents would commit their companies to letting you off the hook for your credit card debt.