Delay on the I or I Decision...

So, (you should have read the post immediately below this one first!) as it happens, I tried to decide and then the world jumped on my ass - and in overdrive!

I went out for what I was under the impression was going to be a one on one dinner the other night, but then a repeat self-inviting house guest was unable to take a clue, and was sitting at the table, waiting to greet me as I walked in. Nice. I know it was a rare occasion, I wrote that meaning his being in town, but our dinner was too, and I know they're close, and honestly I should have just said, hey some time when you're totally free, but I'd met the guy the week before and hadn't minded his presence, and all in all it was probably good he was there as I was more relaxed than I would have been without him. Low key, low stress, lots of laughter.

So, that's cool, and then we talk about doing it again, which I'm totally looking forward to, and the next morning as I'm talking to my sister's best friend (again, immediately preceding post please!) it comes up that the cutie from out of state is coming back during the week, and staying for half the weekend. I invited everyone up to our town for dinner and drinks and such, and then realized that I was hoping to have time with the second guy.

As it turns out I overbooked myself by having set tentative plans with the two men I am most intrested in - for the same time frame! And well, life always has a way of working things out...and everything, absolutely everything fell through for me. Not just on the night in question, but almost like the World was trying to prove a point, and everything I had set for the entire weekend was lost in the universe the moment I verbalized my intentions. I did not do a thing, except for last minute totally unrelated things and the last one of those ended up badly - now my entire chest, down to nearly nipple, shoulders, upper back, and upper and inner thighs are burning, flaming REDand it's too hot to sleep, I'm too sore to move, and to uncomfortable to do anything at all. I have the fan running with two windows open, no top, a very light sheet to protect me from the very cold air, and I'm miserable. AND, I've even taken methadone trying to cut the edge of this shit!

So, I didn't get to see my Seattle writer, and I didn't get to see this local guy either. And I've had introspection forced upon me when I had already chosen intimacy. However, that was probably good, because I realized something. Regardless of what does or does not happen with the guy down here, the reasonable relationship one, I already know something.

First, yes I am most definitely attracted to him. Mentally, spiritually, and definitely physcally.

Second, there really aren't many people I can say that about. Drop the physical part, there are few people in this world I find to be both mentallly and spiritually attractive, whose presence I crave for the stimulating conversation, peaceful sense of self, and open, interested eyes.

Third, when I manage to find someone that fits #2, above, I know better than to just fuck around. That does not mean that I want a relationship or commitment or something, it does mean that I would love a deep friendship - that I know this is a person I respect and admire, someone whom I appreciate, and that it is wonderful to have as many people like that as possible, floating around, flitting in and out, but always caring for and about you and your life.

Fourth - I could be more than happy with a strict friendship, so long as it was a close friendship. I might want more right now, crave his touch, even when he's just brushing against my arm or thigh while he sits next to me, but even more so the hugs and holds and gentle kisses - on the cheek, mind you, so far, on the cheek...

Fifth - all of that makes me nervous all over again. It brings me back to a place I'm not use to, and not entirely comfortable with...I have something to lose here. I have a stake in the game, and I feel vulnerable. Not really liking that bit at all!!

AAAHHHHHCCCCKKKKK! So, there you go. Now, I shall go to sleep, and while I may post this first, I will edit it another day! Sleep tight!

Intimacy or Introspection... What's the next move?

So, don't start with this posting, scroll on down, and read about me and the shock of meeting some I was attracted to at my parents' house. As life would have it, we've not been in much contact since then, although I expect to see him in town sometime this month. For now he's an FFF. Firmly Family Friend. Yep.

It's not so much the guy that I wanted to write about as his chosen profession that really kicked me in the shin today. He's a writer...not like a famous writer or anything super duper cool, but he writes for NPs and NGOs and such, doing proposals and fundraising and the like. Works for himself. Smart guy. Business degree or something. Pretty darn hot, quite a bit younger.

Out of the blue I was contacted by a local, fairly large NP that is interested in hiring me on a contract basis as their grant writer. Cool. Odd though. I've never written, or actually even read a grant in my entire life and someone I've never met in a business I've never been involved with wants me to fill a role I have no experience with or exposure to. OK. I'll take it cause quite honestly I'm flat broke and my finances continue to beckon...or rather call at this point...without a reprieve or windfall on the near horizon.

Well, for those who may not have known - and this includes me too, until I was quite recently informed - grant writing and proposal writing are somewhat related. Now the NP wants me to not only write their grants, but to also move in to their proposals and direct mailings for the upper echelon of their donors.

ODD methinks!

And then, this past weekend I ventured beyond my doorstep whilst the moon shimmered above. In other words, I went out, at night. Haven't done that in quite a bit...peruse past postings please...and dear lord it was a welcome reprieve from pain and stress etc.

And this man, whom I've briefly been introduced to on a few occasions over the past few years, was seated at a table with a few friends of mine, and I ended up spending my night sitting and talking and drinking, and realizing a few things. They went like this.

God he's hot. (OK to be honest, I've already known this but it hits me each
time I see him).

Which of course leads to - God do I wish he was a bit older! (youngish mom,
seeking mature man...duh!)

Which shocked me when I heard that he IS older than me and so led to:

DAMN I wish he would notice me!

And as the night went on, conversation became more animated, interests were shared, thoughts divulged, Jesus Christ HE DID! And early in the AM we exchanged some numbers. Resulting in -

My complete lack of sleep due to a bit of nervousness and a desire for him to call. First thing in the morning, when I woke up I checked my phone for the time, and saw that I had a text message. Yes, my readers, it was him, letting me know he enjoyed meeting me and would call me later. Guess what -

HE DID! That evening and so I went out and met up with him and his friends. Up to this point I'm cool, ok. It was pretty casual and all that, but while I sat on the stool next to him and really listened to him, not just his words and their immediate relevance, but how they expressed his interests and shaped his lifestyle and I found myself getting more and more attracted and interested, then I started to get nervous a bit.

So, as the night wore on, the group decided to take a late night river walk - me, and three guys. I gathered my belongings to depart for the meeting spot, and noticed another nearly-friend nearby. She is more familiar with this man than I, so I asked her a few quick questions and received some rather disheartening info...like, totally selfish and self absorbed, nearly 40 and never married and with good reason, not a guy who can have a girlfriend but good for some fun now and then...things like that.

Well, I went down to the river, and we all hung out for the next few hours, and it was cool. After that point, upon my departure, he asked me more specifically about my schedule and availability...and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I knew he was busy the next day, as was I, so I waited to text him till today. I agonized over how to sound open and interested without being too forward or too distant, even calling in friends of both genders and all orientations for tips. Finally after much input and multiple revisions, I had it down and sent my text. Five minutes later I started stressing. One last person sent me a late email which shot down my missive from start to finish. One person who knows me well, but has no clue as to who the guy is.

So I waited, hoping I'd get a reply, wondering if I ruined my "last chance at happiness" by not having mentioned another meeting or possibly having used "get together" rather than "hang out". Are you starting to see how lame I am?!?

Fortunately he stopped the impending suicide by replying within a few lifelong hours. It was cute and witty and totally responsive to what I had to say, and is almost like flirtatious banter, but in a text message, and now it leaves it up to me to reply with something on the same level of cute witty and intelligent. I am so fucked.

Which leads me to the big question (for tonight, not all time, at least I hope)

Intimacy or Introspection??? Which is it that I need right now and What is is that I'm ready for and Why is all this boy/girl oh I might like you and I just might like you too stuff so freakin hard???

I want Intimacy...I'm READY for some intimacy, the world is begging for me and intimacy to get it on! My friends are pleading with me to find some intimacy.

But if I freak out this hard, maybe I truly need some introspection. If I knowingly extend myself to someone that a third party states is incapable of true intimacy with another person, well, doesn't that mean that maybe I engage in some serious introspection surrounding intimacy issues?

And then again, do you take an accquaintence's perspective and let that control your interests in a potential connection when you have not yet been exposed to the negative aspects of their character?

I THINK NOT!

Oh! Crap! Wait!! I digress! I believe I forgot to mention the connection to this man, and my FFF. Yes, this man is also a business grad, advanced degree, and writes proposals as well. I don't know what it is lately, but the two people I've found quite attractive, as a whole person and not just looks or something, well, they share similar interests - outdoors and in, recreation-wise with backpacking, adventurous vacations and the like, and they also have the same fairly obscure job. In different communities. In different states.

It's really odd, because I'm usually attracted to a certain physical type, and neither of these two guys fit it, nor do they look like each other, while both are quite attractive, incredibly handsome really.

I don't think I have anything more to say right now.