finally, a first in my thirties...

i have never had a crush on a friend like i do on him. he literally makes my heart beat faster and i feel a little giddy when he shows up. this is so lame. he's one of the more thoughtful and interesting guys i've ever met. and after dinner, when he had to leave i was talking with a friend about how damn attractive he is and she said something about it nagging at her, wondering what he'd be like in bed, and i honestly haven't ever been consumed with that - instead i'm just stuck on any form of skin to skin contact and it drives me nuts that he kisses me on the lips when he sees me!!!! like, crazy nuts. i want to really kiss him back instead of the chaste close lipped kiss that's offered along with a deep and intimate hug. and so when i'm seated and he's passing out hugs i o stay seated so minimize whatever crazy making abilities he has over me. but then he keeps coming back, to give me a real, better, hug and a kiss at my level. AND...

I don't want to date him. ever. not ever. he has a terrible track record and is not in to commitment and doesn't hang out with ex's that he was serious about and can date someone for ages without ever feeling like he's made that transition in to boyfriend - which is kind of the point of ongoing long term dating, isn't it?? and he's such a solitary guy that i don't think he'll ever live with a girl. like, ever, never. i've done the guy consumed with privacy and not comfortable with people knowing we're together and quite honestly find that insulting and restrictive - if i'm happy i should be free to share the source of that with those who care about me - friends, family, whatever.... that's the real issue - i'm happy living by myself, prefer it in many ways, but don't want to rule out the possibility of ever living with someone i love.

anyway - just thought i'd tell you how ridiculous i feel having a crush on my friend. and how weird it is that this is the first time that has ever happened to me. ever. that i can think of - i've had crushes before and on people i know - obviously, but not someone i would call a good friend. not someone where i have to keep a conscious thought about not crossing over the line when we're touching or cuddling or whatever... not someone where i have to make sure i don't drink too much as i know i'd do something inappropriate. and not someone where i am actually worried that crossing that invisible barrier would be bad for our friendship. i've never had a crush on someone i care about to this extent. and he means a lot to me. i cherish the friendship - even without the attraction.

i thought i was too old for firsts.

Intimacy or Introspection... What's the next move?

So, don't start with this posting, scroll on down, and read about me and the shock of meeting some I was attracted to at my parents' house. As life would have it, we've not been in much contact since then, although I expect to see him in town sometime this month. For now he's an FFF. Firmly Family Friend. Yep.

It's not so much the guy that I wanted to write about as his chosen profession that really kicked me in the shin today. He's a writer...not like a famous writer or anything super duper cool, but he writes for NPs and NGOs and such, doing proposals and fundraising and the like. Works for himself. Smart guy. Business degree or something. Pretty darn hot, quite a bit younger.

Out of the blue I was contacted by a local, fairly large NP that is interested in hiring me on a contract basis as their grant writer. Cool. Odd though. I've never written, or actually even read a grant in my entire life and someone I've never met in a business I've never been involved with wants me to fill a role I have no experience with or exposure to. OK. I'll take it cause quite honestly I'm flat broke and my finances continue to beckon...or rather call at this point...without a reprieve or windfall on the near horizon.

Well, for those who may not have known - and this includes me too, until I was quite recently informed - grant writing and proposal writing are somewhat related. Now the NP wants me to not only write their grants, but to also move in to their proposals and direct mailings for the upper echelon of their donors.

ODD methinks!

And then, this past weekend I ventured beyond my doorstep whilst the moon shimmered above. In other words, I went out, at night. Haven't done that in quite a bit...peruse past postings please...and dear lord it was a welcome reprieve from pain and stress etc.

And this man, whom I've briefly been introduced to on a few occasions over the past few years, was seated at a table with a few friends of mine, and I ended up spending my night sitting and talking and drinking, and realizing a few things. They went like this.

God he's hot. (OK to be honest, I've already known this but it hits me each
time I see him).

Which of course leads to - God do I wish he was a bit older! (youngish mom,
seeking mature man...duh!)

Which shocked me when I heard that he IS older than me and so led to:

DAMN I wish he would notice me!

And as the night went on, conversation became more animated, interests were shared, thoughts divulged, Jesus Christ HE DID! And early in the AM we exchanged some numbers. Resulting in -

My complete lack of sleep due to a bit of nervousness and a desire for him to call. First thing in the morning, when I woke up I checked my phone for the time, and saw that I had a text message. Yes, my readers, it was him, letting me know he enjoyed meeting me and would call me later. Guess what -

HE DID! That evening and so I went out and met up with him and his friends. Up to this point I'm cool, ok. It was pretty casual and all that, but while I sat on the stool next to him and really listened to him, not just his words and their immediate relevance, but how they expressed his interests and shaped his lifestyle and I found myself getting more and more attracted and interested, then I started to get nervous a bit.

So, as the night wore on, the group decided to take a late night river walk - me, and three guys. I gathered my belongings to depart for the meeting spot, and noticed another nearly-friend nearby. She is more familiar with this man than I, so I asked her a few quick questions and received some rather disheartening info...like, totally selfish and self absorbed, nearly 40 and never married and with good reason, not a guy who can have a girlfriend but good for some fun now and then...things like that.

Well, I went down to the river, and we all hung out for the next few hours, and it was cool. After that point, upon my departure, he asked me more specifically about my schedule and availability...and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I knew he was busy the next day, as was I, so I waited to text him till today. I agonized over how to sound open and interested without being too forward or too distant, even calling in friends of both genders and all orientations for tips. Finally after much input and multiple revisions, I had it down and sent my text. Five minutes later I started stressing. One last person sent me a late email which shot down my missive from start to finish. One person who knows me well, but has no clue as to who the guy is.

So I waited, hoping I'd get a reply, wondering if I ruined my "last chance at happiness" by not having mentioned another meeting or possibly having used "get together" rather than "hang out". Are you starting to see how lame I am?!?

Fortunately he stopped the impending suicide by replying within a few lifelong hours. It was cute and witty and totally responsive to what I had to say, and is almost like flirtatious banter, but in a text message, and now it leaves it up to me to reply with something on the same level of cute witty and intelligent. I am so fucked.

Which leads me to the big question (for tonight, not all time, at least I hope)

Intimacy or Introspection??? Which is it that I need right now and What is is that I'm ready for and Why is all this boy/girl oh I might like you and I just might like you too stuff so freakin hard???

I want Intimacy...I'm READY for some intimacy, the world is begging for me and intimacy to get it on! My friends are pleading with me to find some intimacy.

But if I freak out this hard, maybe I truly need some introspection. If I knowingly extend myself to someone that a third party states is incapable of true intimacy with another person, well, doesn't that mean that maybe I engage in some serious introspection surrounding intimacy issues?

And then again, do you take an accquaintence's perspective and let that control your interests in a potential connection when you have not yet been exposed to the negative aspects of their character?

I THINK NOT!

Oh! Crap! Wait!! I digress! I believe I forgot to mention the connection to this man, and my FFF. Yes, this man is also a business grad, advanced degree, and writes proposals as well. I don't know what it is lately, but the two people I've found quite attractive, as a whole person and not just looks or something, well, they share similar interests - outdoors and in, recreation-wise with backpacking, adventurous vacations and the like, and they also have the same fairly obscure job. In different communities. In different states.

It's really odd, because I'm usually attracted to a certain physical type, and neither of these two guys fit it, nor do they look like each other, while both are quite attractive, incredibly handsome really.

I don't think I have anything more to say right now.

I forgot how and dammit why'd you remind me?!?

I have gone for years without intimacy. Forget that statement. I have gone for years without meeting someone with whom I desired intimacy. And, no, not physical intimacy you skeptics - true intimacy.

And for the most part I've been comfortable with it. Safe might be a better way to describe it, I've felt safe that way. Not putting myself out there, but then again, I haven't met someone I've wanted to expose myself to.

Until last night. At my parents of all places. My sister's best friend was in town with her fiance and her childhood best friend. They stopped off at the folks to say "Hey" while they were around...not that my sister was there, just my parents, so the folks called me and I said I'd come by too. Not that I truly understood who was there, I just thought it was all part of our bigger family. And in a sense it was, and in another sense - God how I wish he was!

Love, lust, desire, affection - those emotions have never ever ever crept up on me! They just hit me over the head, hard. and usually right when eye contact is first made. And I fall hard and fast, and it's heartbreaking!!!

BTW - I am divorced. For a number of years my ex has been "threatening" to move to Seattle - I've been pleading with him to GO, please, and leave me my town you Texan interloper! I've even stated that since he's staying put I will go as I have some family and old friends who live up there. Finally, he's going. And the man I am ready to chase after, throw myself at, and whose eyes I just want to lose my life in, whose touch racks by body with warmth beyond warm, well, this guy lives in Seattle. And to everyone I know it will look like I'm stalking my ex-husband. I AM NOT!

Difficulties, besides the fact that Seattle is no where near SF - he is my sister's best friend's best friend. I love my sister and in fact we are friends too. I am also friends with her best friend. So, he's my friend, and dearly loved family friend's best friend. If I screw things up, and honey, it is me, I am the screwer upper, then I throw the whole best friends link into jeopardy and I am not ready to take on that responsibility as I know how much my sister needs her best non-sister best friend...A LOT.

So, we hugged upon the close of our meal, not just a little hug, but a very close, very tight genuinely affectionate hug. And it was wonderful. And he kept looking at me, my eyes, right into my eyes as we all sat and talked, and listened, and laughed, and shared many a disgusting story! And throughout dinner, and then after dinner, and then on the front porch. It even looked as though when he was coming to hug me good bye he was going to give me a kiss - on the cheek kind of thing, but I kinda of ducked and moved in faster as I was already nervous and trembling and standing in my parents living room wanting to totally make out with this guy I've just met, while my parents, daughter, and friends are all surrounding us saying their goodbyes.

The positive thing is this - We talked, and while neither numbers or emails debuted, he will be making a return visit in August for the big birthday celebration and spa day.

I have two conflicting desires a the moment - ONE is that when he gets back down here for another visit I do not find him attractive at the least. I went with the least likely scenario first as I don't really hope it, but it would make things simple. TWO is that he feels the same way about me, and even more so (I know we're both single right now) and he can't wait to take me aside and talk about planning some of those new SouthWest flights that come directly in to town.

I have only two months to agonize. Damn!