If you know that I'm sick...

Then why did you call?

I'm at home, in bed, with a terrible head cold, virus thingy, that's making it nearly impossible to think or swallow, and only just slightly easier to breathe.

My phone rings, and I can see it's a relative, so I answer, barely audibly,"'Lo?"

And the conversation ensues - "Oh, so I hear your not feeling too well"

"Yeah, I can barely talk " (that came out as a very gravely and quite painful whisper)
"
Oh, that. Yeah, so...." - and they were just gettin started. The conversation went on for a while longer, with me trying to get out a grunt ot two as required

Why? If you know I can't talk, why do you call and try to drag the words out of me? Give me a few days and I'll get 'em out myself

More of My Roommate's Food

So my roomie decided to cook again - brave decision after the lasagna expirement (scroll down for the pic). This time is was enchiladas....yes, some people thought her lasagna looked like enchiladas but seriously she decided to make enchiladas.

And at first she did really well - she made a TON, again, but decided to freeze some rather than cook a month's worth and then toss is all out. It was when the actual cooking started that there was a problem.

She came home somewhere about 6:30 or so and put the food in the oven.

I was out and about, and sometime around 11:30 I wandered in to the kitchen as I couldn't figure out what I was smelling - it smelled like bad brownies or something.

Nope, it was the enchiladas, still cooking away at about 450, five hours later.

So, I turned off the oven but was scared to take the smoldering dish out of the oven as I thought it might burst in to flames and burn the house down...if I left if in the oven it could burst in to flames and run out of oxygen....great logic, huh?

She didn't remember about the enchiladas for about 5 days - after turning off the oven I promptly forgot about them too.

When I remembered they were still there, waiting for someone to deal with it. I gave it to her - not my disaster - and rather than try to throw out the food and clean my dish, she just threw out everything with the promise to replace...

That was last week and two or three Target trips ago.

Right.

My one regret isn't telling her she could throw out the pan, it's that I didn't take a pic of it first. It was ridiciulous!

Like Musical Chairs but I Never Sat Down...it's Musical Bars

So tonight I was headed down to a local bar, a regular place, to meet a few friends for a drink and to check out the band - they have music on Thursday nights. Yet, when I got there, I realized not only were my friends not there, there wasn't any music either. Called up the people I was planning on meeting, texted others I'd like to see, and realized I was gonna be there on my own...not really up for it tonight, I was out to hang out with friends not make new drinking buddies.

So I walked down to the Stout Brothers cause I remembered a myspace bulletin that my friend Pat Jordan was playing and thought - he's a great guy and I like his music I'll drop by. And I did. And I ran in to his family who were friends with my family and then my phone rang so I went outside to answer (it was another friend letting me know she wouldn't make it) and then I ran in to another old friend who used to work with my ex-husband. A really cool guy, Jay. So Jay I and were standing there outside a coffee shop talking and catching up and this little kid comes out to get him and I'm confused as to what's going on and he tells me that he's backing up his cousin who is sitting inside the coffee house singing. Funny thing is - I thought it was my cousin in there singing...they are both professionals and have similar tones and ranges to their voice, play keyboard and guitar to accompany themselves, same height (at least it looks like that), similar profiles, same smiles and hair color. I was a bit confused.

So I stuck around a bit and listened to them play. And the guy was really good. Ryan Huston was his name, and you can hear him on myspace or buy his stuff on itunes or his website or whatever. Anyway, when they finished - and it was early cause they were in a coffee shop that had already closed and it was only 9, I went back down to Stout Brothers to see Pat again, and then decided it was time to make the treck back to my car...which I did quickly cause it was cold and I was in a t-shirt. I stopped back at my regular place but it was lacking friendly faces so I hopped back in my car, stopped to get some food and then came home to watch some BSG with the Kidlet before bed.

Now, I'm staying up super late hoping to hear from the school in Prague - or at least get a response to my emai requesting an update and more info on their application/admission time line. It's very confusing when directors refer to you being there and studying when you haven't been admitted yet. Urg.

My most favorite lizard ever!

FYI - I hate snakes. Really, really hate snakes. And I have a hard time with lizards too. Hate 'em. Why? Cause they look like snakes. Snakes with little stubby arms and legs and sharp claws. And they're too fast and move too sporadically to have a clue whether or not they're running away from you or running under your foot as you try to escape their habitat.

Most animals would run away. Squirrels sometimes don't know which direction to run either, and that's why you'll see them smooshed. I like squirrels. Smooshed squirrels can make me feel sad. Smooshed snakes, on the other hand, those bring me a sigh of relief, well, mixed with anxiety about there having been a snake within my smooshing vicinity - or for me to see it smooshed, cause that means it was once there alive and since I am now there living and viewing it, it once intruded upon my personal safety zone. Of course, though, I don't see smooshed snakes all that often. Most people around here either let them live free or chop their heads off and then dispose of both parts very carefully.

(Relevant side note - where I live we have rattle snakes and those are scary. If you happen to get "bit" by a dead snake then you can still be poisoned by their venom so be very careful around snakes even if they're dead.)

Smooshed lizards on the other hand - well, I don't see that all too often either. The birds try to get them before they can commit suicide under your car. Here, though, while walking the dog the other day, I found a smooshed lizard. Hope you like him. I've named him Sam.

Up in Annadel

These are some of the native plants up in the park behind my house. When the dog runs away, this is where she likes to go. When we take her for a walk, this is where she likes to go. I think the dog likes the park. I also think the lichen is stupendous. I once knew a guy named Lichen. We went to high school together. I also knew a guy named Rainbow. We made out.

California Should Be Our Own Country

I was talking with The Kid just now, about Tibet, Darfur, China, and Sudan, the Olympics and stuff...casual, reflective end of the day going to bed random 'why' and 'how come' and 'who do they' type stuff.

Anyway, we got on to the fact that here in CA we're a little more progressive than another of the United States as a whole - other states have metropolitan areas that might be cool and open and respectful and stuff, but here most of the state is pretty forward thinking...not all, but most.

And it got me to thinking - maybe we really should be our own nation.


We, as a state, have a leading economy, we have a strong GNP, we have a thriving agricultural industry, great exports, wonderful water ways for international shipping, desirable tourist attractions, a booming entertainment industry, share a border with another nation, and try to put in place reasonable regulations the federal government overrules as they're not that interested in doing all they can today to slow global warming. We are more tolerant and accepting, thrive with more diversity than most other states, and have our own sense of style, time, and speech.


We don't really have a lot of involvement with DC, we don't agree with Washington politics, we could definitely do with an overhaul to numerous governmental regulations, we have drugs approved here the Feds outlaw...I could go on but I'm tired.

Don't you think it's about time??

Mommyhood - and shit

It's not too often I get reflective about parenting, but this morning, while driving my kid to school, I started thinking about my relationship with her father. Not a pleasant one.

I got pregnant and married at nineteen. If you do one, don't do the other. Please. Life will be a lot easier for you. I was divorced before I was 21. What a way to start adulthood. That's the kind of description you're supposed to read about some 50 year old housewife married, a mother, no education or career, and now starting life over on her own .

It has not been an easy path. Relationships have been difficult - needy men versus my need to be a mother, getting through school has taken decades (ok, maybe just one), and oh yeah, regular every day life stuff too. One of the harder aspects of it all has been watching my nuckleheaded ex-husband fail to make an effort at fatherhood, and my child try to incorporate his ongoing rejection and indifference in to her life. He's such a failure, in general, that he doesn't realize his lack of involvement impacts his offspring. It does.

We fight. No, not so much, not after I learned how to just hang up a phone, or stay on the phone but not acknowledging the attempted detours and desperate deviations on the other end when matters like custody and support come up. What the hell, honestly, those don't just come up - they're the only the I have to talk about with him. Q. When are you actually going to show up? When did you send in a check? A Maybe in another week or two, and like on a Sunday, like around 1 or 2 and she'll be home by 3. Check, uh, yeah, I don't use checks anymore and the DA won't accept cash so I don't think I can pay support. We need to get it worked out at court, so you won't see anything for a while. This is your fault you know, if you didn't make me pay the DA I could just give you cash and I'd never be late or behind or anything but just cause I missed a few years you made the court take it over. You suck you know.

Seriously - these are the responses I get. No I just say, well thanks for letting me know, or, oh, well that's an interesting take on the situation. But I digress - better I do it here than on the phone.

My child's happiness is my utmost priority. I am in a state where I am trying to do everything I can for her, allow freedoms and yet push when needed, while providing unconditional support and love. Greatest most easy going Kid, ever. The Dad continues to make things difficult. Lies to The Kid, lies to me, gets caught by The Kid and lies some more - never fails to disappoint. And that's not just my take - I have to reign in The Kid and the honest yet unfortunate paternal observations - sad little jokes - such as - Dad said he'd be here by 10 on Saturday - I"ll bet you 20 bucks he calls at least twice to change it, won't show up to 1 on Sunday....or Dad said (fill in any sort of obligation here) followed by a genuine burst of laughter and confusion on everybody else's behalf and then the honest answer - he's a compulsive liar, and doesn't even realize it.

No child should have to life with a lack of respect for and a lack of love from a parent. Ever. Especially now when they're still growing and learning how to define relationships - shaping the world within their heart and learning how love feels within their truth. It's not fair. More, even, it's not right. That is an ultimate injustice - what innocent deserves rejection from those who should teach them strength, teach them love, teach them how to live?

Part of the problem is that being so young, you don't know how to put in to practice what you haven't experienced yet. Being so young, you feel mature, but you're a baby adult - you don't know how to be vulnerable, how to be responsible in a world beyond basic education, you don't know how to evaluate another's future potential beyond levels of attraction and entertainment, and you don't know that you don't know this. Ignorance is a heavily wielded weapon.

I am approaching 15 years later. Fifteen years of dealing with this guy - and let me tell you something I failed to appreciate all those years ago - he's a diagnosed sociopath - he is only capable of viewing the world and other people in ways that affect him, he truly cannot relate to any one on any level. Fifteen years of his selfishness, cruelty, and rejection thrown at my kid, and yesterday there was a bit of a breakthrough. Of sorts.

See, he was really dumb and went and got some other girl pregnant and had another kid. Now they're not together and fighting all the time. Comparatively I'm a saint - understanding, not argumentative - forget comparatively, I am a saint - understanding, not argumentative, focused on the problem in front of me and not the past, things like that. He finally acknowledged it. I tried to let this girl know, years ago when she was insecure in their relationship and thought I 'wanted him" - he's a disgusting person with no sense of responsibilty as - person or as a parent. The Kid was only about 10, and he was nearing $30,000 in past due child support...I can't stand looking at him - now, partially cause it reminds me what a terrible judge of character I was, partially because he exudes smarm and oozes this oilly energy - like a psychic soulsucker.

When ACCEPTED doesn't mean Accepted

So, this is the Prague Castle. It's not too far off from the school I've applied to. Funny thing that. I got an email from them the other day, with the heading - YOUR APPLICATION HAS BEEN ACCEPTED. I read through the email, ate a bit, then hopped in the shower. As I was soaping up I though - OMG! I GOT ACCEPTED!! All I could think about was the damn heading of the email and not a single bit of the content. It completely eluded me.

I was tempted to jump out and run over to the computer and check it again, but I was actually on a trip and a guest in someone's home and the computer was in the kitchen...saved myself from some major embarrassment by just finishing the shower, throwing some clothes on, and then rushing out to the kitchen.

And yes, the Anglo-American University in Prague has accepted my application. As in, they've accepted it is a submisison for review, not as in they've made a determination upon the merits and admitted me.

For that I have to wait a little while longer.

Meanwhile, my dreams are filled with medevial castles and rainbows.

March and Mayhem

So this is March, and it's apparent I have been neglecting my little haven here, apologies to you all.

Upcoming - or more appropriately - potential changes we're manifesting - and a few other things I've skipped

So, the kid is an alternate, Applied for boarding skill and applied for a full scholarship, which means if she gets in it is under the scholarship program and not just as a regular paying student...the whole me-not-working thing kinda interferes with my ability to pay a tuition greater than my gross income when I'm at my full time job, ya know...

Yeah. She's heard back, and she's an alternate - we're playing the waiting game again, but Choate Rosemary Hall - you'd better plan on make some room for the latest in our line of lovelies cause I'm believin she'll be there this next session!

Me - well, my application has been sent and processed and paid for - all handled way over there in Prague, yep. with the kid gone I"m plannin on leavin the country...even with a new administration we're the current scourge of the earth and I'd like to get some time learnin about the world and the role of nations in gobal development in a country that doesn't think they're the boss of everyone...damn it, you're not the boss of me - I remember saying that to my babysitters, and hearing my sister say it when I told her she was going to get in trouble for annoying me. - Go away, I'd say and in return - you're not the boss of me! I love my sister, and am most often saying, Come back! However, after many years afar and abroad - she's relocated to CA - central CA, but at least we're in the same state again!

So, we got a roommate - I'll upload some pictures of the house and her cooking which is extremely amusing - due to her embarassment factor she's asked that I not list her name with the photos. She cooks for two, most often, I mean when she does cook, it's usually for two. Yet last night I came home to 3 pans of lasagna - that is about 32 servings remaining after the two that were eaten by her and her son. She was cooking for 4 so she'd have left overs. We now have 3 practically full pans of lasagna filling my fridge and room for nothing more. And she's gone for the weekend. And I'm not a big lasagna eater. Where's Garfield when you need him?

__________________

Here's her lasagna. No, no, seriously, they're all lasagna.

I am so over rehab in any sense of the word!

Thank God I'm done with the Bridge - it was supposed to be the bridge, the pathway to physical well being, but let me say I was far - very far from prepared for my return home. I didn't know what to expect or how to handle coming off so much methadonea & oxy and have been a physical flop...exhausted, achey, tired beyond words but mentally alert and frustrated.

I spent my first week at home with this great little bridge world between reality and fantasy - and let me say that I preferred my fantasy world...it was so much easier, well, probably because it was just an hallucinatory dream world, of course.

I know I never want to return to that world - and here's the hard part. My body is screaming at me to give it something to feel good - I've been on massive - truly massive, the Utah Doc wouldn't refill my Rx cause it was dangerous in his opinion - amounts of methadone and a ton of other drugs, and now I'm on nothing, nothing at all, and all these empty neurotramsitter cell spots are begging - give me something good, something yummy, exciting, thrilling, dangerous, enticing, erotic, illegal, or overload - we need to offset the emptiness with a new high...and I hear them calling and it feels so true and yet I refrain from engaging in conversation as that is one quick path down the road to misery and pain.

Done it. I don't want my physical recovery process to lead me to some sort of addiction issue - and the pull is so strong, and the chemical confusion inside is exactly what turns former legit Rx patients in to hardcore illegal addicts....no thanks.

This internal battle is pretty tiresome too.

And I find I need new things upon which to focus, as I'm still not working.

So - here are a few:

I am returning to school on a full time basis.

I am experiencing and rejoicing in my discovery of Watsu - and considering training if I can figure out how to afford it.

I am applying to school in another country. - OH YEAH - forgot, my super cool mini super genius has decided to applying to boarding school and so will no longer be around for me to mother after this summer...which allows me to move and make choices based solely upon my desires.

And there you have it for today.

Peace.

My Second Friendly email from Ut-yah

I am going just a little insane. I have a few more weeks to
get through this but they're having me do a really rapid detox & tons
of working out & radical diet change al at the same time and I feel
kinda of crazy and really good. Thanks for the kind thoughts - had a
great time at Scott''s too! See you soon -

(timely response required but) SEND ME YOUR ADDRESS!!

Please.

If you could, I've bought pretty postcards and would like to send you
one, yet I failed to bring along any addresses other than those
committed to memory - and most of you I don't know your address to
begin with! So I really would appreciate it if you could send me your
address - except you BR, I'll just write yours and you and give me
your address when you get back and I'll send your postcards then - I
think it will still be before I come home.

This weekend was wonderful! We had different staff and two of the
three were increidly cool! We went hiking along the Narrows in Zion
and went in to town a few times, and even out to lunch were we were
allowed to eat red meat if we so chose. Then last night I went to the
store with Eddie, one of the medics, and stocked up on stuff - he and
the other 2 'guests' stocked up on candy and chocolates, and I stocked
up on banana chips, granola, and pistachios...seriously - they're
hidden away in my room right now - we aren't supposed to really have
outside food, but they gave me a box of Kashi bars so I know it's not
a hardcore rule. We got back and they played a game kind of like the
Christmas white elephant game but also different - you roll the dice
and if you get 7 or 11 or doubles you get to pick a candy bar, and
then the next person goes - and they can pick candy off the table or
steal yours....now here's the different part - if someone steals your
candy you're out of luck - you don't get to pick again unti you roll
the right numbers! It was so funny to watch about 15 sugar starved
adults battling it out and negotiating for candy! Not what I
expected, but my 72 year old roommate stole my candy!

My other roommate and I were just talking, and with the remoteness and
the highly regimented schedule and the taskmasters who come looking
for you if you're not where you're supposed to be - it feels somewhat
like we've been institutionalized in the cushy be bed, spa like resort
with all health food and excercise - odd but still like an
institution. So, I say this, but please accept everything with this
caveat - I am going through major withdrawals and am ready to either
snap a neck or two or cry for my mommy cause there's a dead coyote
walking along my ceiling. Not really, but sometimes it looks like it
and I am rather emotional without emotional direction. I am not angry
at anyone, haven't broken up or fallen in love, everyone is alive and
healthy so there's no emotional trigger yet the tears flow anyway.

Other subject - there is a baby skunk living under the kitchen -
Saturday night it sprayed. Sunday morning they thought they'd chased
it away because it was not to be found on the premises yet the odor
did not diminish and at times seemed rather refreshed. Well, Lori the
Nazi Cook, found it that afternoon - it had climbed up and fallen in
to the garbage can. It couldn't get out, and being a baby and scared
and stressed, it just kept on spraying and spraying. The beautiful
massive kitchen is no longer my preferred gathering spot. Monday
evening and it is still offending the olfactory senses.

Sorry for another rather excessive email - it's cool if you skipped it
and just sent me your address, I hope you are all enjoying the
beautiful weather, spending time outdoors while you can, and smiling
and laughing multiple times on an hourly basis. That is my wish for
you all for the evening. Rather, I hope you are all as happy as you
deserve to be, which means a life full of bliss for all of you.

Much love -

Jen

the onset of insanity

Yeah, I just sent you guys a rather lengthy email, but since that
point in time I realized something - I am going crazy. It is
affecting me more than you, but apologies all the same....I'm just
writing to stave the insanity. We're hiking in Zion tomorrow. I am
looking forward to that. It has healing powers through out the areas
we're going so maybe it will help. Did I tell you there is a crazy
cowboy from Portland that only eats red meat (which does not exist
here) and will not eat fish or ground turkey or buffalo burgers or
boca burgers or vegetables? He shows up for yoga in jeans 4 sizes too
small with his 6" belt buckle, boots, and his hat. He kills me.
Also, this place has ghosts. I can feel them but someone else can see
them. Or we're having simultaneous hallucinations...

Sleep well my pretties...

Further forms of my limited contact with the outside world

Today was a lot harder for me. They have really stepped up the
medication withdrawal and I was having a pretty hard time this
morning....they couldn't find the key for my medication lockbox and so
I was about 3 and half hours late getting my first dose which was hard
because everything was
drasticallyl reduced the day before...it felt awful, but also made me
realize how acclimated my body has become to these meds...and I am
grateful to be getting off!!! The people here are great!!

I've had my heart rate tested to see my target heartrate, have my own
routine with a personal trainer, have worked with a nutritionist who also
tested us today and determined what our resting caloric needs, our
maximum caloric intake and how to calculate our fitness caloric
intake combined with our target heartrate range for burning fat
without going too far and burn muscle, have met with the MD Dr and the
OMD DR and the acupuncuturist and a chiropractor and a physical
therapist and a mind body specialist and an EFT trainer and quite a
number of other health related people too. Next week I'll do Watsu
and another aquatic method that involves two practictioners moving me
that it a lot like Watsu but supposedly more emotionally based.

The weekend guys arrived and brought popcorn and candy and most of us
stayed up too late and ate things that we probably shouldn't have. I
thought I was eating the safe healthy butter free popcorn and instead
I had the kettle corn - and our lecturer brought us all chocolate
kisses - another big no-no. We're on a no dairy no red meat nothing
white low fat sort of diet but with additional arbitrary restriction
randomly determined by "The Kitchen Nazi" - as she calls herself - and
signs her postings.

Today we finally left the grounds and immediate surround ghost towns
and extensive desert, and went in to a town. There we went souvenier
shopping and again - the weekend crew took us to get some
icecream...but I didn't eat the cone.

First sign of life from my time in physical rehab, aka physical HELL!

Hello you lovely luscious ladies -

I started to write you last night but oviously I was as high as a cat
as you willl see from my attempt I was higher than a kite...but at
least I got the first two words out right!!

The place is beautiful, the food is great, the people who work here
are wonderful, most of the "guests" here are pretty cool, and my
roommates are both the youngest person and the oldest person at this
place - 23 and I think 72 or 78. More on that another day - we're
still trying to find our groove here, not that it's uncomfortable, but
still not quite groovin just yet. I had 4 medical or physical
appointments and a massage yesterday. I think I have 4 more today and
another massage, and we're going hiking in a ghost town just down the
road.

I forgot to tell you - we are in the middle of no where, down obscured
road with warning signs about fire arms, and then down a few more dirt
roads - I couldn't escape if I wanted to...but I don't so that's ok -
there is zero light interference out here and the sky is AMAZING!!

OK I'm going to eat and then get doped up again, but I hope you three
have a lovely day and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Jen




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