California Should Be Our Own Country

I was talking with The Kid just now, about Tibet, Darfur, China, and Sudan, the Olympics and stuff...casual, reflective end of the day going to bed random 'why' and 'how come' and 'who do they' type stuff.

Anyway, we got on to the fact that here in CA we're a little more progressive than another of the United States as a whole - other states have metropolitan areas that might be cool and open and respectful and stuff, but here most of the state is pretty forward thinking...not all, but most.

And it got me to thinking - maybe we really should be our own nation.


We, as a state, have a leading economy, we have a strong GNP, we have a thriving agricultural industry, great exports, wonderful water ways for international shipping, desirable tourist attractions, a booming entertainment industry, share a border with another nation, and try to put in place reasonable regulations the federal government overrules as they're not that interested in doing all they can today to slow global warming. We are more tolerant and accepting, thrive with more diversity than most other states, and have our own sense of style, time, and speech.


We don't really have a lot of involvement with DC, we don't agree with Washington politics, we could definitely do with an overhaul to numerous governmental regulations, we have drugs approved here the Feds outlaw...I could go on but I'm tired.

Don't you think it's about time??

Mommyhood - and shit

It's not too often I get reflective about parenting, but this morning, while driving my kid to school, I started thinking about my relationship with her father. Not a pleasant one.

I got pregnant and married at nineteen. If you do one, don't do the other. Please. Life will be a lot easier for you. I was divorced before I was 21. What a way to start adulthood. That's the kind of description you're supposed to read about some 50 year old housewife married, a mother, no education or career, and now starting life over on her own .

It has not been an easy path. Relationships have been difficult - needy men versus my need to be a mother, getting through school has taken decades (ok, maybe just one), and oh yeah, regular every day life stuff too. One of the harder aspects of it all has been watching my nuckleheaded ex-husband fail to make an effort at fatherhood, and my child try to incorporate his ongoing rejection and indifference in to her life. He's such a failure, in general, that he doesn't realize his lack of involvement impacts his offspring. It does.

We fight. No, not so much, not after I learned how to just hang up a phone, or stay on the phone but not acknowledging the attempted detours and desperate deviations on the other end when matters like custody and support come up. What the hell, honestly, those don't just come up - they're the only the I have to talk about with him. Q. When are you actually going to show up? When did you send in a check? A Maybe in another week or two, and like on a Sunday, like around 1 or 2 and she'll be home by 3. Check, uh, yeah, I don't use checks anymore and the DA won't accept cash so I don't think I can pay support. We need to get it worked out at court, so you won't see anything for a while. This is your fault you know, if you didn't make me pay the DA I could just give you cash and I'd never be late or behind or anything but just cause I missed a few years you made the court take it over. You suck you know.

Seriously - these are the responses I get. No I just say, well thanks for letting me know, or, oh, well that's an interesting take on the situation. But I digress - better I do it here than on the phone.

My child's happiness is my utmost priority. I am in a state where I am trying to do everything I can for her, allow freedoms and yet push when needed, while providing unconditional support and love. Greatest most easy going Kid, ever. The Dad continues to make things difficult. Lies to The Kid, lies to me, gets caught by The Kid and lies some more - never fails to disappoint. And that's not just my take - I have to reign in The Kid and the honest yet unfortunate paternal observations - sad little jokes - such as - Dad said he'd be here by 10 on Saturday - I"ll bet you 20 bucks he calls at least twice to change it, won't show up to 1 on Sunday....or Dad said (fill in any sort of obligation here) followed by a genuine burst of laughter and confusion on everybody else's behalf and then the honest answer - he's a compulsive liar, and doesn't even realize it.

No child should have to life with a lack of respect for and a lack of love from a parent. Ever. Especially now when they're still growing and learning how to define relationships - shaping the world within their heart and learning how love feels within their truth. It's not fair. More, even, it's not right. That is an ultimate injustice - what innocent deserves rejection from those who should teach them strength, teach them love, teach them how to live?

Part of the problem is that being so young, you don't know how to put in to practice what you haven't experienced yet. Being so young, you feel mature, but you're a baby adult - you don't know how to be vulnerable, how to be responsible in a world beyond basic education, you don't know how to evaluate another's future potential beyond levels of attraction and entertainment, and you don't know that you don't know this. Ignorance is a heavily wielded weapon.

I am approaching 15 years later. Fifteen years of dealing with this guy - and let me tell you something I failed to appreciate all those years ago - he's a diagnosed sociopath - he is only capable of viewing the world and other people in ways that affect him, he truly cannot relate to any one on any level. Fifteen years of his selfishness, cruelty, and rejection thrown at my kid, and yesterday there was a bit of a breakthrough. Of sorts.

See, he was really dumb and went and got some other girl pregnant and had another kid. Now they're not together and fighting all the time. Comparatively I'm a saint - understanding, not argumentative - forget comparatively, I am a saint - understanding, not argumentative, focused on the problem in front of me and not the past, things like that. He finally acknowledged it. I tried to let this girl know, years ago when she was insecure in their relationship and thought I 'wanted him" - he's a disgusting person with no sense of responsibilty as - person or as a parent. The Kid was only about 10, and he was nearing $30,000 in past due child support...I can't stand looking at him - now, partially cause it reminds me what a terrible judge of character I was, partially because he exudes smarm and oozes this oilly energy - like a psychic soulsucker.

When ACCEPTED doesn't mean Accepted

So, this is the Prague Castle. It's not too far off from the school I've applied to. Funny thing that. I got an email from them the other day, with the heading - YOUR APPLICATION HAS BEEN ACCEPTED. I read through the email, ate a bit, then hopped in the shower. As I was soaping up I though - OMG! I GOT ACCEPTED!! All I could think about was the damn heading of the email and not a single bit of the content. It completely eluded me.

I was tempted to jump out and run over to the computer and check it again, but I was actually on a trip and a guest in someone's home and the computer was in the kitchen...saved myself from some major embarrassment by just finishing the shower, throwing some clothes on, and then rushing out to the kitchen.

And yes, the Anglo-American University in Prague has accepted my application. As in, they've accepted it is a submisison for review, not as in they've made a determination upon the merits and admitted me.

For that I have to wait a little while longer.

Meanwhile, my dreams are filled with medevial castles and rainbows.

March and Mayhem

So this is March, and it's apparent I have been neglecting my little haven here, apologies to you all.

Upcoming - or more appropriately - potential changes we're manifesting - and a few other things I've skipped

So, the kid is an alternate, Applied for boarding skill and applied for a full scholarship, which means if she gets in it is under the scholarship program and not just as a regular paying student...the whole me-not-working thing kinda interferes with my ability to pay a tuition greater than my gross income when I'm at my full time job, ya know...

Yeah. She's heard back, and she's an alternate - we're playing the waiting game again, but Choate Rosemary Hall - you'd better plan on make some room for the latest in our line of lovelies cause I'm believin she'll be there this next session!

Me - well, my application has been sent and processed and paid for - all handled way over there in Prague, yep. with the kid gone I"m plannin on leavin the country...even with a new administration we're the current scourge of the earth and I'd like to get some time learnin about the world and the role of nations in gobal development in a country that doesn't think they're the boss of everyone...damn it, you're not the boss of me - I remember saying that to my babysitters, and hearing my sister say it when I told her she was going to get in trouble for annoying me. - Go away, I'd say and in return - you're not the boss of me! I love my sister, and am most often saying, Come back! However, after many years afar and abroad - she's relocated to CA - central CA, but at least we're in the same state again!

So, we got a roommate - I'll upload some pictures of the house and her cooking which is extremely amusing - due to her embarassment factor she's asked that I not list her name with the photos. She cooks for two, most often, I mean when she does cook, it's usually for two. Yet last night I came home to 3 pans of lasagna - that is about 32 servings remaining after the two that were eaten by her and her son. She was cooking for 4 so she'd have left overs. We now have 3 practically full pans of lasagna filling my fridge and room for nothing more. And she's gone for the weekend. And I'm not a big lasagna eater. Where's Garfield when you need him?

__________________

Here's her lasagna. No, no, seriously, they're all lasagna.

I am so over rehab in any sense of the word!

Thank God I'm done with the Bridge - it was supposed to be the bridge, the pathway to physical well being, but let me say I was far - very far from prepared for my return home. I didn't know what to expect or how to handle coming off so much methadonea & oxy and have been a physical flop...exhausted, achey, tired beyond words but mentally alert and frustrated.

I spent my first week at home with this great little bridge world between reality and fantasy - and let me say that I preferred my fantasy world...it was so much easier, well, probably because it was just an hallucinatory dream world, of course.

I know I never want to return to that world - and here's the hard part. My body is screaming at me to give it something to feel good - I've been on massive - truly massive, the Utah Doc wouldn't refill my Rx cause it was dangerous in his opinion - amounts of methadone and a ton of other drugs, and now I'm on nothing, nothing at all, and all these empty neurotramsitter cell spots are begging - give me something good, something yummy, exciting, thrilling, dangerous, enticing, erotic, illegal, or overload - we need to offset the emptiness with a new high...and I hear them calling and it feels so true and yet I refrain from engaging in conversation as that is one quick path down the road to misery and pain.

Done it. I don't want my physical recovery process to lead me to some sort of addiction issue - and the pull is so strong, and the chemical confusion inside is exactly what turns former legit Rx patients in to hardcore illegal addicts....no thanks.

This internal battle is pretty tiresome too.

And I find I need new things upon which to focus, as I'm still not working.

So - here are a few:

I am returning to school on a full time basis.

I am experiencing and rejoicing in my discovery of Watsu - and considering training if I can figure out how to afford it.

I am applying to school in another country. - OH YEAH - forgot, my super cool mini super genius has decided to applying to boarding school and so will no longer be around for me to mother after this summer...which allows me to move and make choices based solely upon my desires.

And there you have it for today.

Peace.

My Second Friendly email from Ut-yah

I am going just a little insane. I have a few more weeks to
get through this but they're having me do a really rapid detox & tons
of working out & radical diet change al at the same time and I feel
kinda of crazy and really good. Thanks for the kind thoughts - had a
great time at Scott''s too! See you soon -

(timely response required but) SEND ME YOUR ADDRESS!!

Please.

If you could, I've bought pretty postcards and would like to send you
one, yet I failed to bring along any addresses other than those
committed to memory - and most of you I don't know your address to
begin with! So I really would appreciate it if you could send me your
address - except you BR, I'll just write yours and you and give me
your address when you get back and I'll send your postcards then - I
think it will still be before I come home.

This weekend was wonderful! We had different staff and two of the
three were increidly cool! We went hiking along the Narrows in Zion
and went in to town a few times, and even out to lunch were we were
allowed to eat red meat if we so chose. Then last night I went to the
store with Eddie, one of the medics, and stocked up on stuff - he and
the other 2 'guests' stocked up on candy and chocolates, and I stocked
up on banana chips, granola, and pistachios...seriously - they're
hidden away in my room right now - we aren't supposed to really have
outside food, but they gave me a box of Kashi bars so I know it's not
a hardcore rule. We got back and they played a game kind of like the
Christmas white elephant game but also different - you roll the dice
and if you get 7 or 11 or doubles you get to pick a candy bar, and
then the next person goes - and they can pick candy off the table or
steal yours....now here's the different part - if someone steals your
candy you're out of luck - you don't get to pick again unti you roll
the right numbers! It was so funny to watch about 15 sugar starved
adults battling it out and negotiating for candy! Not what I
expected, but my 72 year old roommate stole my candy!

My other roommate and I were just talking, and with the remoteness and
the highly regimented schedule and the taskmasters who come looking
for you if you're not where you're supposed to be - it feels somewhat
like we've been institutionalized in the cushy be bed, spa like resort
with all health food and excercise - odd but still like an
institution. So, I say this, but please accept everything with this
caveat - I am going through major withdrawals and am ready to either
snap a neck or two or cry for my mommy cause there's a dead coyote
walking along my ceiling. Not really, but sometimes it looks like it
and I am rather emotional without emotional direction. I am not angry
at anyone, haven't broken up or fallen in love, everyone is alive and
healthy so there's no emotional trigger yet the tears flow anyway.

Other subject - there is a baby skunk living under the kitchen -
Saturday night it sprayed. Sunday morning they thought they'd chased
it away because it was not to be found on the premises yet the odor
did not diminish and at times seemed rather refreshed. Well, Lori the
Nazi Cook, found it that afternoon - it had climbed up and fallen in
to the garbage can. It couldn't get out, and being a baby and scared
and stressed, it just kept on spraying and spraying. The beautiful
massive kitchen is no longer my preferred gathering spot. Monday
evening and it is still offending the olfactory senses.

Sorry for another rather excessive email - it's cool if you skipped it
and just sent me your address, I hope you are all enjoying the
beautiful weather, spending time outdoors while you can, and smiling
and laughing multiple times on an hourly basis. That is my wish for
you all for the evening. Rather, I hope you are all as happy as you
deserve to be, which means a life full of bliss for all of you.

Much love -

Jen

the onset of insanity

Yeah, I just sent you guys a rather lengthy email, but since that
point in time I realized something - I am going crazy. It is
affecting me more than you, but apologies all the same....I'm just
writing to stave the insanity. We're hiking in Zion tomorrow. I am
looking forward to that. It has healing powers through out the areas
we're going so maybe it will help. Did I tell you there is a crazy
cowboy from Portland that only eats red meat (which does not exist
here) and will not eat fish or ground turkey or buffalo burgers or
boca burgers or vegetables? He shows up for yoga in jeans 4 sizes too
small with his 6" belt buckle, boots, and his hat. He kills me.
Also, this place has ghosts. I can feel them but someone else can see
them. Or we're having simultaneous hallucinations...

Sleep well my pretties...

Further forms of my limited contact with the outside world

Today was a lot harder for me. They have really stepped up the
medication withdrawal and I was having a pretty hard time this
morning....they couldn't find the key for my medication lockbox and so
I was about 3 and half hours late getting my first dose which was hard
because everything was
drasticallyl reduced the day before...it felt awful, but also made me
realize how acclimated my body has become to these meds...and I am
grateful to be getting off!!! The people here are great!!

I've had my heart rate tested to see my target heartrate, have my own
routine with a personal trainer, have worked with a nutritionist who also
tested us today and determined what our resting caloric needs, our
maximum caloric intake and how to calculate our fitness caloric
intake combined with our target heartrate range for burning fat
without going too far and burn muscle, have met with the MD Dr and the
OMD DR and the acupuncuturist and a chiropractor and a physical
therapist and a mind body specialist and an EFT trainer and quite a
number of other health related people too. Next week I'll do Watsu
and another aquatic method that involves two practictioners moving me
that it a lot like Watsu but supposedly more emotionally based.

The weekend guys arrived and brought popcorn and candy and most of us
stayed up too late and ate things that we probably shouldn't have. I
thought I was eating the safe healthy butter free popcorn and instead
I had the kettle corn - and our lecturer brought us all chocolate
kisses - another big no-no. We're on a no dairy no red meat nothing
white low fat sort of diet but with additional arbitrary restriction
randomly determined by "The Kitchen Nazi" - as she calls herself - and
signs her postings.

Today we finally left the grounds and immediate surround ghost towns
and extensive desert, and went in to a town. There we went souvenier
shopping and again - the weekend crew took us to get some
icecream...but I didn't eat the cone.

First sign of life from my time in physical rehab, aka physical HELL!

Hello you lovely luscious ladies -

I started to write you last night but oviously I was as high as a cat
as you willl see from my attempt I was higher than a kite...but at
least I got the first two words out right!!

The place is beautiful, the food is great, the people who work here
are wonderful, most of the "guests" here are pretty cool, and my
roommates are both the youngest person and the oldest person at this
place - 23 and I think 72 or 78. More on that another day - we're
still trying to find our groove here, not that it's uncomfortable, but
still not quite groovin just yet. I had 4 medical or physical
appointments and a massage yesterday. I think I have 4 more today and
another massage, and we're going hiking in a ghost town just down the
road.

I forgot to tell you - we are in the middle of no where, down obscured
road with warning signs about fire arms, and then down a few more dirt
roads - I couldn't escape if I wanted to...but I don't so that's ok -
there is zero light interference out here and the sky is AMAZING!!

OK I'm going to eat and then get doped up again, but I hope you three
have a lovely day and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Jen




Hey there firk-================afc


QQQ\\]ss
friendly c==at gift bag

Pain Rehab???

Yes, my Mom and my therapist met and my Mom returned with a steatement - she was sending me to rehab. SENDING ME!! An adult - decades in to that status, with my own teenage daughter, and my Mom is SENDING ME!!

Well, I thought a bout it and returned to my therapist and asked...WTF why are you in collusion with my Mom?? I thought you were MY therapist and was not expecting you to throw out something brand new that we've never even discussed!!!

She stated, it was the first time it had occurred to her and she believed it would be a great experience. We talked some more and I came to see her point of view...some in-patient place that specializes in chronic pain woud be good for me, and allow me some space to feel and be myself without the stress and crush of my daily dreary life and parental oversight (or rather, maternal oversight).

So I started looking, and I discovered that the clinics in the US are meant for addicts and amputees - there aren't any out there just for people in pain - AND they charge TENS of THOUSANDS of dollars! I found some that were about $60K! I thought that was freakin ridiculous...Then I started finding clinics but they only did highly invasive things that required constant and continued medical care - I wanted to be DONE with the Docs and the meds and the pain.

And then I started to look outside the US where the medical system is not focused on profit but on recovery and immediately I found places that were ridiculously low and focused on you leaving without pain and low meds or no meds - the systems that were not based on profits were the ones that dealt in HEALING TREATMENT rather than continued treatment.

I found one I liked and was ready to go, but then my Mom found this one pretty cool place in Utah - it's called The Bridge. They had all the alternative stuff I am interested in and are focused on healing rather than invasive and continued medical care - a nice mix of eastern and western medicine. And it sounded great - Soutern Utah, near Mt. Zion, great weather, beautiful scenery, and the treatments I want...I'm leaving Oct 29.

Update on the "I" or "I" dilemma AND a new adventure for me too!

So, that weekend was a disaster, however the following week I was asked and therefore spent a wonderful lunch just chatting and talking with the local guy and truly enjoying his company. It was nice. Ran in to him at a party that weekend too, nice and brief interaction, and then he left for a the weeklong BM experience. He probably arrived home today, and I'm super excited to hear about his trip and see his pics. I so wanted to go, but it wasn't in my cards for this year....hopefully next I will make it! Seriously - I want to be there.

AND the weekend that he left I took myself on a new little adventure - I made my way out to Harbin Hot Springs for the very first time and fell in love with the healing and peacefulness that place exudes...it was incredible! It was all perfect except for one thing - I had my monthly visitor and so was not comfortable going completely nude, and kept my bottoms on for the day. Next time though!!! I will truly experience it. The other incredible thing was just getting to know some new people who are really nice and friendly, and then discovering that one of them was someone I had met earlier in life - when I was in a bad place with my ex-husband, and he would intentionally show up where I was with some girl or another, and then wait till I had left my seat at the club to dance or mingle or use the bathroom, and then come in, and sit his girly friend down in my chair and start talking with the people I was there with. He had done it too many times, and after a few drinks I lost a little bit of my ladylike decorum and was extremely and exceedingly rude to this new girl, while tying to be decent to my ex-husband as we'd been going through a difficult time and were really iffy between peaceful co-existence and hatefilled interatction - I was continuing to aim for the former.

Anyway, when I got home that night I was totally mortified by my behavior - it had been so extreme and unkind and hateful towards this girl, and I knew she felt it - it was pretty obvious snubbing, biting sarcasm, and just plain rude lack of acknowledgement. And yes, she was sitting on my chair, with my drink, and rather than just tell her to get up, I sat down and sort of shoved her off - not all the way, but most of the way, while I was talking to a friend whom I had purpsefully introduced to everyone but her. I felt awful and was embarassed, but hadn't ever really looked her in the face and therefore would not have been ablel to pick her out of a lineup in the bar and so was unable to track her down to apologize.

Until we were at Harbin and she mentioned something to me about Him. And then I couldn't stop apologizing. She really deserved a bit more, not just from me, but from him too for intentionally putting her in the situation, offering her my seat, and refusing her request that he explain to me that they were nothing but rather distant friends.

OK, I'm tired now, so this is down. Bye!

Family Frenemies - WTF??

I am sure all of you out there have had some difficulties with various family members at some time or another, I have some incredible siblings whom I love and adore, although we don't have much in common or shared interests...we still make the effort to interact and show our affection, continuing our interactions, and making new memories together as adults.

All of us but one. The one I agreed to have move into the "family home" in which I currently live with my kid, and this brother and his family. This is a home purchased by my parents, in an insanely overpriced area of the country where the majority of the family live. It has been stated the house if for whoever needs it most, but until my daughter is out of high school it is for us. My brother asked if he could stay too and I not only said yes, I offered them the master bedroom, the baby a room, and half the garage to use as his personal music space.

Since the time they've moved in I've done my best to stay out of their way and respect their space, keeping in mind that this is totally temporary and things will be "normal" for me and my family in a few short months - supposed to be weeks but he's already overstayed.

Today however was different - they're housesitting for a few weeks, and are supposed to be away. We had family friends over for a night of games and fun, and this morning the house was clean, put in order, with just recycling to take care of - something I cannot actually do myself as I cannot open the bins due to my arm/shoulder issues.

We were visiting next door when my brother walked through in a rage - not his usual state - when I asked him what was wrong, he blasted me for trashing the house - I said the house has been all picked up, there's only recycling. He was upset and spewed out that there was so much more, and so I went home, with my kid who can open the recycling bins for me, and took a look at what he was saying to take care of it. Basically, the recycling which had been organized in a box and a bag after the party the preceding night. And he was angry that we're having internet issues that started Friday and weren't resolved over the three day weekend (Labor Day - noone called back over the weekend despite my best efforts, and that is not my problem).

At this point my daughter was crying and saying how unhappy she is living with them - a statement she has previously made.

We went inside and he was there - I told him he owed her an apology and he said why - I answered that when he jumped on me, she also took it personally as she was part of what was going on, and she gets upset when people talk to me in the manner in which he did - he said, not his issue, not his problem, and not going to. He just had something to....and then I cut him off with a don't bother, don't care to listen to you anymore, and went to do my laundry.

He was still there when I was done, but I had seen him go in to her and try talking with her So I listened to what he had to say. Basically that he just wanted us all to get along....it went further than that, how he's here to support us etc etc. He has not made a single supportive effort, rather he has told me I'm making the wrong choices and screwing her up...Yeah, I got mad again, the conversation didn't go so well. And then he told me this...

He doesn't talk to me about his life or things going on in his because he 1) has not desire to speak with me or share who he is with me, and 2) doesn't want to listen to me or care about what's going on with my life because 3) he doesn't view me as a friend, but because we're family he cares about me just as he cares about a stranger walking down the street. 4) His way of expressing his "support" is by not telling me what a mess I'm making of being a Mom to my daughter - and also by apparently telling my kid that I shouldn't be making choices for her but that she should be standing up to me and making them for herself. 5) He is pissed at me because I used to tease and, in his view, torment him as a child - however I am seven years older and haven't lived under the same roof as him since he was about ten or eleven. He was also a violent, agressive, pigheaded little kid I didn't really interact with when I was at home. At times he was cute and cuddly and I loved him very much but he was not the kind of kid you could cuddle with - he'd kick you or bite you or something if you tried.

This is the person who asked me if he could move his family in to my home. This is my brother. This is the guy who I not only made room for, but offered up the better rooms to.

Siblings quite often are very different. Decent people make an effort to get along or at least interact with each other. I have tried. There is no further point in attempting to have any sort of relationship with him as he is not interested nor open to having one with me.

I would have to meet his terms and ideas as to who and what I should be, before he could view me as anything different than someone he owes an obligation to - and I am not interested in being someone else just to satisfy some other person - if I were to become that person I would not be me, and if he were to decide that maybe he could recognize me as something more than some random person in this world, worthy of time, attention, and caring and actively supportive interaction, I don't know that I would want it from someone who is so cold and insensitive and selfishly absorbed.

And all of this makes me so incredibly sad. Not only am I stuck sharing a home with this guy, for god knows how long, but he's my brother and I have no idea where he comes from - he told me he'd be fine if he never saw any of his birth family ever again. My Mom and Dad and brother and sister and I are all worth more than this indifference. His heart, despite his peaceful manner and serene appearance and actions, is shut off from love , unable to appreciate the love that flows to him and incapable of giving it in return.

He is full of criticism without constructive input. And it hurts to say that I am no longer interested in interacting with him. That he has truly hurt me with his chosen stance of indifference and uncaring manner. His lack of interest is really rather hurtful, he's my brother. But in a word only, not by action or attempted interaction. He is the same way with my other brother and sister, but he actually makes more of an effort with them, although he still fails to communicate or interact there as well.

I don't like it and I'm not happy. This is false. This is fake. This is not a friendly or healthy environment for me any more. This is so far from what I want, what I had hoped to create. And he is so selfish that he can't see the ripples of his choices. Tension. Discomfort. Lack of genuine positive feelings for family members under the same roof. Feelings of isolation. Living with strangers who are labled family. These are the issues my daughter has raised and we've been discussing for a few months....about as long as we've been sharing a place. She's not happy, I'm not happy, he's selfishly indifferent - so long as the house is clean, his child is taken care of, he has food to eat, an interent connection, and is able to disappear into the garage when he gets home from work, and again after dinner, he's happy. Indifferent to his wife's expressions of exhaustion, the fact that she is rather overwhelmed with a steadily growing and increasingly faster one year old, and that she needs his help and freely offered support in order for her to relax, retain her sanity, and be able to stop calling the baby a brat - which is totally inappropriate and drives me insane! I can't even be in the same room with her once she starts griping about how much the baby is driving her crazy and how he's acting like a little brat.

I think I've got my rant out. Dear Lord I hope I've gotten it out for now. I'm not quite sure what I can do, but I hope it comes to me soon. He mentioned being here through Thanksgiving and Christmas, but not after that, so I hope that means they'll be leaving then, and I hope I can last that long. I hate moving, and he has already crossed lines that have been the impetus for former moves. I just don't want to do it again. But this family frenemy stuff is bullshit.

Have you ever had a multi-million $ email offer?

Boy oh boy - I am about to become very rich. I would appreciate hearing from all you readers out there, hanging on my last word, and the first fifteen of you will get a nice surprise from me once I collect. With that in mind, read the following and you'll see just how lucky we all are!!!

From: Williams Parker
To: cooladams77@yahoo.com
Sent: Thursday, August 23, 2007 4:23:43 PM
Subject: URGENT AND PRIVATE


MR.WILLIAMS PARKER
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OFFICER,
HEAD OFFICE LIOYDS TSB BANK.
LONDON UNITED KINGDOM .

Good Day,
Let me start by introducing myself, I am MR. WILLIAMS PARKER, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OFFICER OF LIOYDS TSB BANK Here in London . I am writing you this letter based on the latest development at my bank, which I will like to bring to your personal edification. I am writing you this letter with so much joy and excitement even though my heart goes out to the very powerful and distinguished gentleman who I was Fortunate to have worked for and extremely privileged to have known for numerous years. I am a top official
in charge of client accounts in LIOYDS TSB BANK here in
United Kingdom .

In 2001, my client was going through a horrendous divorce in the United States of America and was on the verge of losing most of his estate to his vicious and diabolical wife. As a result of this alarming predicament, my client came to me with a Very brilliant idea.

He transferred some funds, Twenty million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars ($20.5m) to a fixed deposit account in my bank under an alias which only the two of us knew about as the confidentiality of the matter was necessary for his protection.

Due to his untimely death in early 2002, the funds have been sitting in the account ever since and will continue to do so unless we do something about it. This is where you ome in. I located you through an agency that helps seek people by their email. My client did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I would like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of in to our client so that you will be able to receive his funds. I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we can come out successful. I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to my client. All that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your Full Names and Address so that he attorney can commence his job.

After you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also file in
for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the move of the funds to an account that will be provided by you. There is no risk involved at all in the matter as we are going adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents.

The allocation of our money will be as follows: 30 %( $6.15m) to you for your part in this, 65% for me and my partners and 5% for any unforeseeable expenses we may incur. I think this is extremely fair, as you have nothing to lose but just a little time, while on the other hand I am staking my flawless reputation among other things. And besides $6.15 million is not a pocket change. Once you are approved, the entire transaction should take no longer than twelve business days after which we will go about our daily business, but just millions of dollars richer.

As you can see this is easier than taking candy from a baby, but mind you, trust is something that is developed over time and that is something that we do not have. So I have to let you know that it will highly unfeasible to try to run away with the money Because even though only you can transfer money in and out of your account, the Transfer can only be authorized by my department of which I happen to be the head.

The money will be transferred from my bank to an account you will provide. So please, there should be no room for greed because ten million two hundred thousand dollars can quench even the most insatiable desire for the almighty dollar. Gain, I will be in charge Of everything else. I will assume all responsibilities for this endeavor so you don't have to worry about any legal ramifications, just what you will do with all that money.

Your Urgent response is highly anticipated so please email me through this email Address (williamsparker_parker@yahoo.fr) for more details on this transaction as Soon as possible. This should be kept very secret and confidential.

I believe you know.

Kind Regards,
Williams Parker

And my response was as follows:

wHy do you Have two seperate emAil accounts That have nothing To do with your buSiness? Why are yOu in the uk but you want me To respond to a French Yahoo aCcount? Why doEsn'T my email show up in the To line? Why do you Persist in using capItaliZation in An inappropriate manner? AnD why would the pResident of a baNk have such a poor use of grammar and frequent mispsellings throug mising lettrs and alackofspace between words?

I will be happy to give you my banking information as soon as you provide me with yours, and allow a transfer into an account under my name, from your account in the amount equivalent to the full value of my account plus 50% the day I release such information. This shall be consummated not less than 10 hours prior to said release. Additionally I would request the estimated costs of a top level solicitor to be placed into a trust that can be accessed by the both of us should I require his services in a fraud, impersonation, libel matter, or any other matter, civil or criminal directly or indirectly related to this transaction. I also request that the maximum penalty in these situations, and all other foreseeable situations, be reviewed and calculated, with the resulting days being multiplied by $300 euros per day. This amount should be added to the account as a estimatable risk and loss factor should I be incarcerated for any period of time relating to this matter.

This will give me peace of mind and security that should there be any erroneous withdrawals on my account, that I will not be disadvantaged, that I will not be negatively affected should there be some sort of rebuttal or legal denial to my claim, and should these actions result in prosecution and incarceration that I will not be at a loss, but will be compensated for lost income as well as for the loss of my freedom. You are quite trusting to so generously approach a stranger with such an illegal and enticing offer, yet I need peace of mind that I am at no risk of financial loss.

Being the professional you are, I am sure you understand, respect, and can afford to meet my needs. At the time of final reconciliation you will turn over these accounts to me, in full, and then may deduct the value at the time of transfer from my share in your favor, of course without adding interest - the interest value will be my compensation for undertaking such an illegal and risky venture, again with an unknown whose lack of proper English makes me wonder why the English universities are held in such high esteem while the American educational system is viewed as quite poor on the international level.

So, I'm thinking now, this guy is a little sneaky, and rather unethical, and while not the kind of person I'd choose to hang with, he could become quite useful to us all if this is his modus operandi. I have included his actual email which he asked me to respond to (see above), and I'm thinking that maybe he has other single customers either dead or near dying without family - I think we should ALL email him and let him know we're interested not only in this guy's estate but all his other client's estates too.

He may say, "...but they're still living", or, "but they have a will" - honestly now, he's probably not going to put up too much of an arguement, and I think if you mentioned it to him, that he might even be willing to find a way around the whole living with a will thing and you just might hasten the process with a little firm encouragement or feminine enticement while the one and only copy of the will miraculously disappears from the safe deposit box in his bank!

I'm not saying, nor am I in anyway implying this is a good idea, I'm just thinking, cause you know he wants to continue on as though he doesn't have a fortune, keep his job and all that...and, well, this might be a perfect repeat sort of process. But not for me. Like so many other times, to so many other men, I must once again say..."I'll try it, but you know, you're my first" added to, "Mr. Williams Parker -I've never done this before, and oh I can't ever imagine doing it with anyone else, it just feels so good, you're incredible..." and, quite honestly, "I think ye've got a bit o' the devil in ye."

Delay on the I or I Decision...

So, (you should have read the post immediately below this one first!) as it happens, I tried to decide and then the world jumped on my ass - and in overdrive!

I went out for what I was under the impression was going to be a one on one dinner the other night, but then a repeat self-inviting house guest was unable to take a clue, and was sitting at the table, waiting to greet me as I walked in. Nice. I know it was a rare occasion, I wrote that meaning his being in town, but our dinner was too, and I know they're close, and honestly I should have just said, hey some time when you're totally free, but I'd met the guy the week before and hadn't minded his presence, and all in all it was probably good he was there as I was more relaxed than I would have been without him. Low key, low stress, lots of laughter.

So, that's cool, and then we talk about doing it again, which I'm totally looking forward to, and the next morning as I'm talking to my sister's best friend (again, immediately preceding post please!) it comes up that the cutie from out of state is coming back during the week, and staying for half the weekend. I invited everyone up to our town for dinner and drinks and such, and then realized that I was hoping to have time with the second guy.

As it turns out I overbooked myself by having set tentative plans with the two men I am most intrested in - for the same time frame! And well, life always has a way of working things out...and everything, absolutely everything fell through for me. Not just on the night in question, but almost like the World was trying to prove a point, and everything I had set for the entire weekend was lost in the universe the moment I verbalized my intentions. I did not do a thing, except for last minute totally unrelated things and the last one of those ended up badly - now my entire chest, down to nearly nipple, shoulders, upper back, and upper and inner thighs are burning, flaming REDand it's too hot to sleep, I'm too sore to move, and to uncomfortable to do anything at all. I have the fan running with two windows open, no top, a very light sheet to protect me from the very cold air, and I'm miserable. AND, I've even taken methadone trying to cut the edge of this shit!

So, I didn't get to see my Seattle writer, and I didn't get to see this local guy either. And I've had introspection forced upon me when I had already chosen intimacy. However, that was probably good, because I realized something. Regardless of what does or does not happen with the guy down here, the reasonable relationship one, I already know something.

First, yes I am most definitely attracted to him. Mentally, spiritually, and definitely physcally.

Second, there really aren't many people I can say that about. Drop the physical part, there are few people in this world I find to be both mentallly and spiritually attractive, whose presence I crave for the stimulating conversation, peaceful sense of self, and open, interested eyes.

Third, when I manage to find someone that fits #2, above, I know better than to just fuck around. That does not mean that I want a relationship or commitment or something, it does mean that I would love a deep friendship - that I know this is a person I respect and admire, someone whom I appreciate, and that it is wonderful to have as many people like that as possible, floating around, flitting in and out, but always caring for and about you and your life.

Fourth - I could be more than happy with a strict friendship, so long as it was a close friendship. I might want more right now, crave his touch, even when he's just brushing against my arm or thigh while he sits next to me, but even more so the hugs and holds and gentle kisses - on the cheek, mind you, so far, on the cheek...

Fifth - all of that makes me nervous all over again. It brings me back to a place I'm not use to, and not entirely comfortable with...I have something to lose here. I have a stake in the game, and I feel vulnerable. Not really liking that bit at all!!

AAAHHHHHCCCCKKKKK! So, there you go. Now, I shall go to sleep, and while I may post this first, I will edit it another day! Sleep tight!