the downfalls of identifying as a parent

When you proclaim your role as your parent as your identity you're disclaiming so much of your individuality. It's natural to want the best for your children and to make their growth and development a priority in your life. But what happens when they disappoint you? How do you respond?

If your child reveals a lack of compassion, indifference to things of true value or a cold heart to those who care for them do you question yourself and the job you've done raising them? Do you take it as a personal failure?

People will be people - and children are people. You can do the best you can to reinforce a world in which you believe in but you cannot control your child's processes or path. You guide them but you don't mold them. You can consistently love them and open doors and create experiences but they are the ones who must internalize, integrate and then engage in the world as they perceive it.

Keep your balance. Keep your individual sense of identity. Keep your children close while you can but then recognize you must let them be free to be who they will be and you must also be free to let you be you without being defined by who you've raised.

what kind of guy?

I am at a funny little spot in life - trying to figure out what I want. My core wants/needs are all being met, and now it's time to focus on a different phase... my personal stuff. Lately, I've been thinking more and more about dating, relationships, regular male interaction type stuff - not anything serious or long lasting, just stuff. My kid is getting older and so am I. I'm ready to venture out in that world again.

Here's the problem. I don't know what I want. I am consistently mistaken for a good bit younger than what I am and I feel that way... my friends laugh as younger men are also drawn towards me - right up until they discover the age difference. However, as much as I want the energy and enthusiasm and a bit of that mentality I also want someone who is older and wiser and comfortable in who they are with a touch more maturity - yet without being old and fuddy and fussy. I've not really met an available man that meets that criteria.

I don't know what to do, and so in this instance I do nothing at all. I wait a bit longer and when it's right I'll get it. Or it will get me. One or the other.

Richmond High gang rape, SR gang rape - what is wrong with these men?

People ask me about the sense of safety and security here, compared to home. Richmond is not far from home. While this is going on, back in SR there is a preliminary hearing about another 15 year old girl who was was walking home, grabbed by a car of men, driven to a local school and raped and beaten. She, however, did not have to be hospitalized in critical condition for her injuries. She hid her bruises for a few days out of fear, embarassment and a sense of disgrace. Young women are victimized not only by the violence they've experienced, but again by the societal perception of the experience and questions around their acts or actions that may have "led to" or "warranted" sexual aggression.

This insanity must end. Not to say this is a cultural norm, as fortunately it's not, but for any gathering of 20 men to either participate or passively give their presence to such an atrocious act - it is a strong indication that our society is failing. I don't have the answers, but parents must take the first steps to responsibly raise their children by lovingly teaching them integrity and respect... on so many levels that would make this world a better place.

Uhhh, seriously behind here

Not that it matters too much, but, I've had a few things come up.

ONE - I am tired of trying to explain why I don't date. I've got 2 years left with my kid, whom I adore and whose company I enjoy, and I don't want to spend a chunk of that trying to meet someone special - I've got someone special to focus on and then the rest of my life to find a partner.

TWO - I am surrounded by adorable boys. Adorable younger boys who meet me and think we're much, much closer in age than we really are... and their interest is quite complimentary. And reciprocated... cause they're adorable.

What is too much of an age difference for an uncommitted not-dating but hanging out dynamic? Is there such a thing as too much of an age difference? And does it matter if the woman is older? How young is too young? I ask that cause I was reading a quote from Madonna today (in a serious book about cultural studies) and she stated she likes boys young... like 16 or 17 young. That, for me, is too young. Even thought it's legal here.

Thoughts?

Be quiet and learn.

I know a little about a lot of different things and a lot about very little... and sometimes I need to remember to just be quiet and listen and learn.... I tend to get excited about stuff and talk, attempt to uphold my end of a conversation, when in fact, sometimes I'm listening to someone who is an authority in their field, and I really should just shut up and absorb the information the world has put out there for me to glean. Life is an ongoing learning experience, and I'm fortunate that I have the opportunity for a repeat performance, although at a group lecture instead of a one-on-one interaction. The opportunity has not passed, and this time I won't be talking.

reasons why i dont date... but i'm getting better

I've taken a break from dating as I have such seriously screwy taste in men... it's never a sane, balanced and healthy choice.

BUT - I am getting better... and this is what helped me realize that -

I was on the tram the other day (Europe, not my hometown, but where I'm living - still don't speak the language so keep that in mind while reading) and there was this guy who got on at about the same time as me.

I looked over and quickly registered his presence and my immediate reaction was - Damn, he's hot!.

Thick wavy locks pulled back in a quick ponytail, brown, but sun bleached like a serious surfers, not too tall, not too short, deep tan to go with the sun bleached hair, loose white cotton shirt, dark comfy khakis... he looked calm, cool, and collected. And sexy.
Really sexy.

This is the point where normally my thought process and logic stop. The following is why I say I'm getting better.

We rode on the tram for only 1 stop and the happened to get off together. During the short ride I realized he beyond merely hot and ventured in to incredibly sexy - but there was something more... something else, elusive, mysterious. Definitely mysterious.

As we stepped off I laughed at myself trying to figure out what it was that hung around his presence - and thought, well he's either sexy or he's crazy, it's one of the other... I have these mental conversations sometimes, mocking myself, chastising myself, congratulating myself - whatever it is that's needed at that moment.

Once I thought it I realized - THAT WAS IT! We were walking the same direction and so I had a bit more time to observe him... and somehow my subconscious had picked up on something my consciousness had overlooked... the guy really was crazy. He'd kept it together on the tram, but as crossed the street and made our way in to Tesco it became apparent the man 3 steps ahead of me was definitely off his rocker... the muttering (no earpiece for a phone, trust me I triple checked), the abrupt jolty movements, the off kilter smile accompanied by the empty glazed eyes...

Normally I don't get to the crazy stage - not to say the men I find attractive aren't crazy - THEY ARE - but I just don't usually realize it within the first few... hours, days, minutes.... I find out after I've taken the initiative and engaged in conversation and possibly had dinner or drinks or something - a long time later, is the point.

I was pretty proud of myself. There is hope for me. If I can cut down the recognition lag from days to minutes, there's a chance I can get it before the HE'S HOT thought registers... and then hopefully, maybe someday if I'm luck, just find a not-crazy guy. I don't think that's asking for much... just... not crazy.

euro male... the refined version

Sorta like a metro-sexual but not - not the level of artificiality I attach to the more slimy metro males.... The euro make is smooth and stylish, comfortable in his own skin - and in yours... he's attentive, listens, engages, and responds in all the right ways, his overtures are more in tune to what women want - by American standards the Euro male is the guy American men hate - sensitive, thoughtful, full of little meaningful gestures and the extra touch...

And it doesn't always lead to sex. American men - they go out of their way in the same manner and they expect to get laid. Here, it's more like an ongoing seduction... a complete seduction - and it's quite nice to be the object of that attention.

However - sex is viewed differently - sexuality is a large component of life while sex is merely a physical act. The emotional connection is not so much love or affection but more interest or desire, monogamy with in a relationship is not necessarily the standard... one person to another is not only permissive but almost expected.

Interests are fleeting, desire is a transitory state, and every physical action has an end.

Ultimately it feels like people change their focus as often as they change their underwear... and hopefully you're changing your underwear in a fairly frequent basis.

a manly debate

I've had reason to have a conversation recently about my views on dating. They're rather bleak. To sum it up - I don't.

I've been asked why not and have a number of pat responses... no time, no one interests me, not my focal point as I have such a short period of time with my daughter, etc...

However, upon honest reflection, I would like a rewarding and fulfilling relationship that is able to be supportive and respectful of the priority I place upon the Kidlet and allows all parties to be free and secure in this dynamic. Damn that sounds dry!!

I also think if I met someone I found attractive and desirable my non-dating status would fly out the window.

And now I'm here, on the other side of the world and finding that I am attractive and desirable to a wider range of men than I realized. And I'm enjoying it. I have male friends who want to be more than just friends and I don't know what to say to that. It's rather new. I have close male friends, many close male friends, but they're platonic friends. These don't really want to be.

And rather than getting swept up in the rather complimentary attention I find that I am taking a step back and evaluating myself and them... and trying to see if there's some future potential or if it's a passing fancy. I'm coming up with passing fancy.

Which means, that's not dating. That's transitory from the get-go with no intention of a relationship or even a relationship-like dynamic.

I'm also discovering that may be exactly what I need in my life.

My super duper cold

I've been sick with a head cold for weeks now. It's been driving me bonkers, but I've been muddling through (seriously, muddling is the most appropriate word I can think of right now) hoping it would go away.

It hasn't. I've tried 4 different kinds of cold medicine hoping for some sort of relief. Anything to stop the runny, sneezy nose and sore throat, and give me a clear head. Nothing until Monday night. A friend brought me back some Nyquil from Canada and I found some Cold-RX which at least stops the sniffles. Which is good because it was Sunday night that I gave up hope.

You see, Sunday night I went out with some new friends. And I obviously had a cold - I mentioned it's lasting for EVER, and the guy (he's been here 9 years) said, 'yeah, most people get it, and it's your body adjusting to the new germs here.' He had it when he first came, and it lasted for 3 years. My boss at the adult school has had it for 2 years - and I've already mentioned that it seems like everyone here is sick all the time. I guess I've joined them, rank and file.

Which is not the way I wanted to be included, thank you very much. I would have preferred to be embraced by one and all rather than have everyone avoid me as I'm the newest victim of the plague.

And Coral is fine.

It's supposed to snow on Thursday. And it's raining today.

P.S. - Mom - I got your package Monday - thank you so much for the chicken noodle soup (and everything else)! I was going to say you have no idea how timely it is, but if you're reading this far down my post I assume you do! I love you!!

Thoughts on Fakies

Ok, that may not be the most apt title I could come up with, but it suffices. I have really thought about this, quite a bit, and am totally serious when I say....

I believe that women with unnaturally large breast implants should not be allowed to have children.

I'm sure that seems a little odd, but I'm thinking of extending the statement to include women with enormous amounts of collagen or any other cosmetic procedure that results in an appearance that is other than natural - you know, lips that take up 1/3 of your face, or cheekbones that are so angular they extend beyond the brow line or are even with your ears, breasts that are triple, quadruple the size of your waist (not taking in to account health issues - we're talking about implants only right now), ribs that have been removed to give an exaggerated hour glass effect - and it works cause you wonder how the girl gets anything larger than a grain of sand down her gullet...

Why, you ask, why, why , why do I have such an extreme view on this???

Good question, I answer.

The perpetuation of an artificial ideal is an abhorrence to me - that a woman is free to choose what she does with her body should be a given - but there should be a choice defined. Choosing drastic plastic surgery in order to achieve a personal version of ideal that has no bearing on a realistic or natural state of the female body should be a choice not only to undergo the procedure but also to forfeit the right to bear - or adopt - children.

It is unfair to force an innocent child to enter a world where their primary focus for so many years of their life, the standard by which they learn to judge the rest of the world and through which they learn about themselves, that that standard should be removed from any basis in reality is wrong.

A little girl should not be allowed to believe that a surgically enhanced caricature of the female body is the norm... there is no way a child growing up within that standard could ever possibly be satisfied with their own physical development - and affirmation for a young girl's body is unlikely to flow from a woman who feels the need to make a mockery of her own physique.

How unfair to the daughters... and the boys - what an unrealistic expectation you are breeding in them! What standard are you setting - that they should expect the female body to be contorted in to a spectacle rather than learn to appreciate a woman for who and how she is - they're deprived of a woman as a role model who has learned to be comfortable with her self, with a reality based physique, with who she is in relation to her body. They are deprived of a woman who can mother them who has learned to accept herself for who she truly is, and can encourage her son to not only accept himself, but to value his partner for substance over shape.

No, I'm not talking about a nose job or a lift or a little nip or tuck here, I'm talking about naturally skinny, smaller breasted women becoming Dolly Parton or bigger... the over the top porn star look... the lips that have been inflated beyond the trout pout and have become a caricature of a cartoon fish... the waist that is so small that two hands can encircle it, touching at the knuckles... this is not referring to any sort of corrective procedure, or a smoothing out, or refining process, but to those types of major undertakings that you see on the street or in a photo and wonder - why? What compelled her? How unhappy, how empty, how shallow, how insecure, how needy, how oblivious, how white bread, how easily swayed by the media, how come???

My Negelct and Ultimate Return

Ah, yes, gentle readers.... if there are any left, I have neglected you in favor or my other blog, detailing the joint adventure of an international move with my teenager...

It's a little more exciting than these mere musings on motherhood.

And yet, that blog is followed by friends and family interested in the details and daily happenings... and this one is my purely personal outlet. And after much consideration it is about to become even more personal as I delve in to the political... and risk alienating you or two who have paused for a momentary breather.

Be warned... I'm letting you know. I have thoughts and feelings, not just on parenting, but on life and the state of the union and love and the purpose in being and compassion for my fellow man.

You're about to get a double dose. Along with a taste of my contempt for my daughter's father... that know-nothing nuisance.

Be well. Be waiting. Be wary. But most of all, be back.

Yet another...

This was far from a surprise, but my sister and my nephew just left. They went back to their home, a multi-hour drive away. My nephew is about 7 1/2 months old and beautiful! He's walking around tables (holding on of course), teething, and babbling away in that endearing little bubbly baby way.

I probably won't see them for at least another year. I know that, I'm not sure they realize it may be that long before I get home. Probably longer. My concern is with getting my Kidlet back and forth to see her friends and family, that outweighs my occasional trip home. That's part of the reason last night was so hard - I don't know how long it will be before I'll see my friends again - and when I make it back I don't know if they'll still be here.

My sister finally lives in the same state as me after years and years cross country and abroad - and I'm leaving. And I was so excited she's (relatively) local - and that I'd get to be a semi-regular part of her life again.

And now, not only is that no longer true, but I'm going to miss out on seeing her firstborn walk and talk and learn how to eat and make messes and explore the world around us.

And that seriously bums me out.

Goodbye again

I went out late for a few hours... I usually head out on Saturday nights. Quite often the same group of friends gather to drink and laugh and be. Some of them were there tonight, and when I finally came home I felt like crying. I am really going to miss my friends. Drinking friends, shopping friends, substantial friends - all of them, I'm going to miss the lawn gnome that pops in every now and then, the Jamacian guy whose name I don't know but always wants to dance with me, the understated dude I just found out I was on a swim team with as a kid who sold me beer for my birthday trip to the races, the woman who has so many friends in common with me but who I don't really know yet I see her dancing up a storm every weekend, and the waitresses who are always so friendly - hell, I'll even miss the waiter who can never get your order right - or on time. These are the trivial people. There are so many more I will miss so much more. And I still feel like crying.

I know an adventure awaits me. I just wish I didn't have to wait for it any longer.

My friend's film - THE COMMUNE

So I have a childhood friend - I thought I'd known her since we were 5 but my Mom recently informed me we were friends even before kindergarten - apparently we met in ballet class when we were 4 and hit it off then.

We don't live near each other and fell out of contact for a while - yet we've mirrored each other in odd way - interests being one of them. She took filmmaking and writing way further than I have and has just completed her first feature length film. Here's a snippet - you can youtube for more. (yes - that was youtube as a verb).

Moving Violations

So finances are pretty damn tight right now. The lump of money I was expecting - to pay for my international move and tuition for my and Kidlet - was cut down to a mere 1/7...leaving me in a bit of a clinch.

Tonight is my birthday dinner with my friends. I've been rather stressed out about it as the group of friends is expanding in rather unexpected directions - more fringies than those heartfelt few...and I guess I got distracted while I was driving. Sitting and stressing about how everyone will get along and where people should be seated...

And so.... In my residential neighborhood I got pulled over.

And got a ticket. Failure to make a complete stop at the stop sign.

And now I have to pay the fine.

With the money that doesn't exist.

And it will cut in to my moving funds.

And it basically SUCKS.

Happy Birthday to me... Cue music.

Heroes... not the tv show

I was jumping around recently, following link to link in a rather incoherent fashion when I stopped on something that really spoke to me - a site about Heroes and the companion blog .

It looked like the concept of Hero was more targeted at men - the idea that men can find a hero not focused in violence or aggression, which is so true and worthy of reinforcement - but what got me is the true lack of mainstream heroes in the media.

I thought about my heroes, the ones I have listed in my myspace...

and this is what I have:

My Mom and Dad,for the outstanding example of how wonderful love can be,
my Sister for her courage and indefatigable attitude,
my young brother for his grace, awareness, and truth,
and my daughter for her intelligence and inner strength and growing awareness of her personal power and what it means to be a woman.

Those I have admiration for: Ghandi, Salah al Din, Jane Austen, Rosa Parks, MLK Jr., my childhood friend Lis, my super hot creative philosophical friend, my cousin Will, genius physicians, those who start up all those NGOs we never hear about yet make the most positive impact for the people whose plights we never hear of, Tesla, the Lumiere brothers, and any number of authors and filmmakers and survivors and innovators whose identities are stashed in the back of my head.

And those are true. My heroes are not steeped in violence or aggression, they are not all widely known or notorious, they are not the pop culture pop tarts our young girls idealize and then idolize, my heroes are those I've known personally who have created more than what was expected, they are the ones who stepped oustide the boundaries of their societies to offer something new and worthy and lasting, they are those who showed strength in merely being - without confrontation or agression, with confidence and faith. My heroes are innovators and survivors and your next door neighbor.

I am a hero to others as well.

Each of us have it within ourselves to be something more or something other than whatever label may have been assigned to you yesterday. You're not merely mothers or employees or actors or writers or masseuses or homeless or beaten or broken or survivors... you are many facets of many things rolled up in to one magnificent thinking breathing being.

And we can each take the time to slow down and be peaceful and respectful and thoughtful and gentle and remember it may not be your own child, it may be the one next door, or the one in the grocery store, or the kid making change at the movie theater, but with decency and genuine interaction we can be a hero to another in our daily life.

Peace.

finally, a first in my thirties...

i have never had a crush on a friend like i do on him. he literally makes my heart beat faster and i feel a little giddy when he shows up. this is so lame. he's one of the more thoughtful and interesting guys i've ever met. and after dinner, when he had to leave i was talking with a friend about how damn attractive he is and she said something about it nagging at her, wondering what he'd be like in bed, and i honestly haven't ever been consumed with that - instead i'm just stuck on any form of skin to skin contact and it drives me nuts that he kisses me on the lips when he sees me!!!! like, crazy nuts. i want to really kiss him back instead of the chaste close lipped kiss that's offered along with a deep and intimate hug. and so when i'm seated and he's passing out hugs i o stay seated so minimize whatever crazy making abilities he has over me. but then he keeps coming back, to give me a real, better, hug and a kiss at my level. AND...

I don't want to date him. ever. not ever. he has a terrible track record and is not in to commitment and doesn't hang out with ex's that he was serious about and can date someone for ages without ever feeling like he's made that transition in to boyfriend - which is kind of the point of ongoing long term dating, isn't it?? and he's such a solitary guy that i don't think he'll ever live with a girl. like, ever, never. i've done the guy consumed with privacy and not comfortable with people knowing we're together and quite honestly find that insulting and restrictive - if i'm happy i should be free to share the source of that with those who care about me - friends, family, whatever.... that's the real issue - i'm happy living by myself, prefer it in many ways, but don't want to rule out the possibility of ever living with someone i love.

anyway - just thought i'd tell you how ridiculous i feel having a crush on my friend. and how weird it is that this is the first time that has ever happened to me. ever. that i can think of - i've had crushes before and on people i know - obviously, but not someone i would call a good friend. not someone where i have to keep a conscious thought about not crossing over the line when we're touching or cuddling or whatever... not someone where i have to make sure i don't drink too much as i know i'd do something inappropriate. and not someone where i am actually worried that crossing that invisible barrier would be bad for our friendship. i've never had a crush on someone i care about to this extent. and he means a lot to me. i cherish the friendship - even without the attraction.

i thought i was too old for firsts.

California On Fire

For almost a month now the sky has been a hazy white - it's the smoke from all of the wildfires. There have been less than a week's worth of blue sky, and not a cloud out there either. It's the gross toxic haze left over from Mendocino, Butte, Tahoe, Santa Cruz, Monterey, etc... They're all ablaze and none too far away.

An article on cnn.com said that over the past 3 weeks nearly 1,200 square miles have burned up in this great state. Crazy huh? What's even crazier, is that Rhode Island, the STATE of Rhode Island, isn't even 1,200 square miles. California is so big we've burned up a portion of our state larger than Rhode Island, and only lost about 100 homes! WTF!!! If Rhode Island suddenly burst into flames after a crazy lightening storms I can guarantee they'd lose more than 100 homes.

OUR FIREFIGHTERS ROCK!!!

Not only are they the super brave modern super heros - they're overwrought and exhausted, physically drained, emotionally spent humans who have been relentless with their work on a non-stop basis for days on end.

Thank you.

Seperations

Something happened recently. Someone I love dearly told me they were seperating. My heart felt like breaking yet I refrained from expressing emotion due to the greater circumstances

In the aftermath I've thought about a bit -

One - how weird it was to not reach out and touch them, provide comfort to someone I love. How uncomfortable that made me.

Two - how different my reaction was when my brother had told me he and his girlfriend had broken up...I wanted to kill the bitch for cheating on him.

Three - how I felt when I was a new mother and had processed that my husband was actively looking for someone else...the extent of his activites remain unknown to me 15 years later, but I knew he was in contact with other girls while I was pregnant - I just thought it was going to end.

He had to brag to me about how desirable he was, what a sexual being he was - insatiable and what not. He has a bit of an ego issue. Narcissist doesn't begin to cover him.

Unfortunately that isn't the type of thing people get over. He has the same problems today. In fact he's screwed up subsequent relationships by his inappropriate behavior - and I'm not even referring to any potential sexual activity. He told his ex-wife he'd cheat on her with someone he found more compatible sexually because she just didn't do it for him - she was fine and fun and all that, but she wasn't the best he'd ever had. WHAT A MORON!!!

He remained verbally innapropriate towards me up until a year or so ago. I think hanging up the phone, and refusing to speak with him finally got it through his thick head.

Yet, I ramble.

Here's Four - I have found myself confused at my reaction to my friend, this one in particular, but also another friend who had a cheating partner and ended a serious relationship this year - I have been confused as to why I was so extreme in my reaction towards my brother's situation when a WOMAN cheated, and have felt so resigned and passive about my friends when it is a MAN cheating - even my own life, I have been cheated on repeatedly, almost every relationship I've been in, and never wanted to "kill the guy". My ex even got someone pregnant - we were seperated yet still married. He never told me when we reconciled. Yeah, found that one out the hard way. (I've got a lousy picker, I know, I'm not dating at the moment cause I need to fix it first.)

Is it age? Maturity? Society? Complacency? Was I brought up to believe that's how the world works? Am I just that jaded? Have I passed this fatalistic attitude on to my own daughter?

Cheaters are cheaters. It's a choice - not a passive choice, an active choice, and even though I may not be as outraged as I was ten years ago I find the behavior today even more reprehensible. Rather than rage I feel disappointment and dissolutionment with the world as I know it. People I trust, the people whom the people I love trust, friends and family - they should never betray you like that.

So, over the years, and after experiencing divorce myself, twice, when people tell me they're seperated or divorced rather than "Oh, that's too bad" - which it usually isn't - I try to say "Oh, that must have been hard" because making the decision to leave something you've committed to isn't necessarily a difficult choice, but it's not an easy thing to do, either.

Oh, what did I get myself in to?

So, I've accepted at a school half way around the world - there is a nine hour time difference to be precise, so it may not be exactly half way but it's pretty darn close.

And I've found a smokin' apartment...and signed a lease though I have yet to see the place...and have been paying rent...

And then I find my funding was cut, not in half, not even a third, but in fact I will be getting less than 1/7 of what I was expecting - and the calculations I was assured were correct were in fact thrown out the window....which is something Prague does to those unlikable leaders...in days past that is. Defenestration I beleive it is called. Something I am more than willing to revisit considering my present circumstances.

I am moving in 44 days to a country I've never been to, bringing my teenager with me, don't have the funds to pay our tutition, and won't have an answer on our visas for about another month. I have one way tickets in to Europe - which apparently require that we have valid visas or they will deny our entry. I feel totally screwed.

I know noone there. I don't speak the language. The dollar is dropping like mad so that crazy beautiful cheap apartment is still crazy beautiful but rapidly raising in rent....like crazy. In the past month I've had the rent raise more than I've ever had a landlord raise my rent here...and nothing has happened other than our economy seriously tanking.

WHAT, PLEASE TELL ME, WHAT WAS I THINKING?????