I was jumping around recently, following link to link in a rather incoherent fashion when I stopped on something that really spoke to me - a site about Heroes and the companion blog .
It looked like the concept of Hero was more targeted at men - the idea that men can find a hero not focused in violence or aggression, which is so true and worthy of reinforcement - but what got me is the true lack of mainstream heroes in the media.
I thought about my heroes, the ones I have listed in my myspace...
and this is what I have:
My Mom and Dad,for the outstanding example of how wonderful love can be,
my Sister for her courage and indefatigable attitude,
my young brother for his grace, awareness, and truth,
and my daughter for her intelligence and inner strength and growing awareness of her personal power and what it means to be a woman.
Those I have admiration for: Ghandi, Salah al Din, Jane Austen, Rosa Parks, MLK Jr., my childhood friend Lis, my super hot creative philosophical friend, my cousin Will, genius physicians, those who start up all those NGOs we never hear about yet make the most positive impact for the people whose plights we never hear of, Tesla, the Lumiere brothers, and any number of authors and filmmakers and survivors and innovators whose identities are stashed in the back of my head.
And those are true. My heroes are not steeped in violence or aggression, they are not all widely known or notorious, they are not the pop culture pop tarts our young girls idealize and then idolize, my heroes are those I've known personally who have created more than what was expected, they are the ones who stepped oustide the boundaries of their societies to offer something new and worthy and lasting, they are those who showed strength in merely being - without confrontation or agression, with confidence and faith. My heroes are innovators and survivors and your next door neighbor.
I am a hero to others as well.
Each of us have it within ourselves to be something more or something other than whatever label may have been assigned to you yesterday. You're not merely mothers or employees or actors or writers or masseuses or homeless or beaten or broken or survivors... you are many facets of many things rolled up in to one magnificent thinking breathing being.
And we can each take the time to slow down and be peaceful and respectful and thoughtful and gentle and remember it may not be your own child, it may be the one next door, or the one in the grocery store, or the kid making change at the movie theater, but with decency and genuine interaction we can be a hero to another in our daily life.
Peace.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
finally, a first in my thirties...
i have never had a crush on a friend like i do on him. he literally makes my heart beat faster and i feel a little giddy when he shows up. this is so lame. he's one of the more thoughtful and interesting guys i've ever met. and after dinner, when he had to leave i was talking with a friend about how damn attractive he is and she said something about it nagging at her, wondering what he'd be like in bed, and i honestly haven't ever been consumed with that - instead i'm just stuck on any form of skin to skin contact and it drives me nuts that he kisses me on the lips when he sees me!!!! like, crazy nuts. i want to really kiss him back instead of the chaste close lipped kiss that's offered along with a deep and intimate hug. and so when i'm seated and he's passing out hugs i o stay seated so minimize whatever crazy making abilities he has over me. but then he keeps coming back, to give me a real, better, hug and a kiss at my level. AND...
I don't want to date him. ever. not ever. he has a terrible track record and is not in to commitment and doesn't hang out with ex's that he was serious about and can date someone for ages without ever feeling like he's made that transition in to boyfriend - which is kind of the point of ongoing long term dating, isn't it?? and he's such a solitary guy that i don't think he'll ever live with a girl. like, ever, never. i've done the guy consumed with privacy and not comfortable with people knowing we're together and quite honestly find that insulting and restrictive - if i'm happy i should be free to share the source of that with those who care about me - friends, family, whatever.... that's the real issue - i'm happy living by myself, prefer it in many ways, but don't want to rule out the possibility of ever living with someone i love.
anyway - just thought i'd tell you how ridiculous i feel having a crush on my friend. and how weird it is that this is the first time that has ever happened to me. ever. that i can think of - i've had crushes before and on people i know - obviously, but not someone i would call a good friend. not someone where i have to keep a conscious thought about not crossing over the line when we're touching or cuddling or whatever... not someone where i have to make sure i don't drink too much as i know i'd do something inappropriate. and not someone where i am actually worried that crossing that invisible barrier would be bad for our friendship. i've never had a crush on someone i care about to this extent. and he means a lot to me. i cherish the friendship - even without the attraction.
i thought i was too old for firsts.
I don't want to date him. ever. not ever. he has a terrible track record and is not in to commitment and doesn't hang out with ex's that he was serious about and can date someone for ages without ever feeling like he's made that transition in to boyfriend - which is kind of the point of ongoing long term dating, isn't it?? and he's such a solitary guy that i don't think he'll ever live with a girl. like, ever, never. i've done the guy consumed with privacy and not comfortable with people knowing we're together and quite honestly find that insulting and restrictive - if i'm happy i should be free to share the source of that with those who care about me - friends, family, whatever.... that's the real issue - i'm happy living by myself, prefer it in many ways, but don't want to rule out the possibility of ever living with someone i love.
anyway - just thought i'd tell you how ridiculous i feel having a crush on my friend. and how weird it is that this is the first time that has ever happened to me. ever. that i can think of - i've had crushes before and on people i know - obviously, but not someone i would call a good friend. not someone where i have to keep a conscious thought about not crossing over the line when we're touching or cuddling or whatever... not someone where i have to make sure i don't drink too much as i know i'd do something inappropriate. and not someone where i am actually worried that crossing that invisible barrier would be bad for our friendship. i've never had a crush on someone i care about to this extent. and he means a lot to me. i cherish the friendship - even without the attraction.
i thought i was too old for firsts.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
California On Fire
For almost a month now the sky has been a hazy white - it's the smoke from all of the wildfires. There have been less than a week's worth of blue sky, and not a cloud out there either. It's the gross toxic haze left over from Mendocino, Butte, Tahoe, Santa Cruz, Monterey, etc... They're all ablaze and none too far away.
An article on cnn.com said that over the past 3 weeks nearly 1,200 square miles have burned up in this great state. Crazy huh? What's even crazier, is that Rhode Island, the STATE of Rhode Island, isn't even 1,200 square miles. California is so big we've burned up a portion of our state larger than Rhode Island, and only lost about 100 homes! WTF!!! If Rhode Island suddenly burst into flames after a crazy lightening storms I can guarantee they'd lose more than 100 homes.
OUR FIREFIGHTERS ROCK!!!
Not only are they the super brave modern super heros - they're overwrought and exhausted, physically drained, emotionally spent humans who have been relentless with their work on a non-stop basis for days on end.
Thank you.
An article on cnn.com said that over the past 3 weeks nearly 1,200 square miles have burned up in this great state. Crazy huh? What's even crazier, is that Rhode Island, the STATE of Rhode Island, isn't even 1,200 square miles. California is so big we've burned up a portion of our state larger than Rhode Island, and only lost about 100 homes! WTF!!! If Rhode Island suddenly burst into flames after a crazy lightening storms I can guarantee they'd lose more than 100 homes.
OUR FIREFIGHTERS ROCK!!!
Not only are they the super brave modern super heros - they're overwrought and exhausted, physically drained, emotionally spent humans who have been relentless with their work on a non-stop basis for days on end.
Thank you.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Seperations
Something happened recently. Someone I love dearly told me they were seperating. My heart felt like breaking yet I refrained from expressing emotion due to the greater circumstances
In the aftermath I've thought about a bit -
One - how weird it was to not reach out and touch them, provide comfort to someone I love. How uncomfortable that made me.
Two - how different my reaction was when my brother had told me he and his girlfriend had broken up...I wanted to kill the bitch for cheating on him.
Three - how I felt when I was a new mother and had processed that my husband was actively looking for someone else...the extent of his activites remain unknown to me 15 years later, but I knew he was in contact with other girls while I was pregnant - I just thought it was going to end.
He had to brag to me about how desirable he was, what a sexual being he was - insatiable and what not. He has a bit of an ego issue. Narcissist doesn't begin to cover him.
Unfortunately that isn't the type of thing people get over. He has the same problems today. In fact he's screwed up subsequent relationships by his inappropriate behavior - and I'm not even referring to any potential sexual activity. He told his ex-wife he'd cheat on her with someone he found more compatible sexually because she just didn't do it for him - she was fine and fun and all that, but she wasn't the best he'd ever had. WHAT A MORON!!!
He remained verbally innapropriate towards me up until a year or so ago. I think hanging up the phone, and refusing to speak with him finally got it through his thick head.
Yet, I ramble.
Here's Four - I have found myself confused at my reaction to my friend, this one in particular, but also another friend who had a cheating partner and ended a serious relationship this year - I have been confused as to why I was so extreme in my reaction towards my brother's situation when a WOMAN cheated, and have felt so resigned and passive about my friends when it is a MAN cheating - even my own life, I have been cheated on repeatedly, almost every relationship I've been in, and never wanted to "kill the guy". My ex even got someone pregnant - we were seperated yet still married. He never told me when we reconciled. Yeah, found that one out the hard way. (I've got a lousy picker, I know, I'm not dating at the moment cause I need to fix it first.)
Is it age? Maturity? Society? Complacency? Was I brought up to believe that's how the world works? Am I just that jaded? Have I passed this fatalistic attitude on to my own daughter?
Cheaters are cheaters. It's a choice - not a passive choice, an active choice, and even though I may not be as outraged as I was ten years ago I find the behavior today even more reprehensible. Rather than rage I feel disappointment and dissolutionment with the world as I know it. People I trust, the people whom the people I love trust, friends and family - they should never betray you like that.
So, over the years, and after experiencing divorce myself, twice, when people tell me they're seperated or divorced rather than "Oh, that's too bad" - which it usually isn't - I try to say "Oh, that must have been hard" because making the decision to leave something you've committed to isn't necessarily a difficult choice, but it's not an easy thing to do, either.
In the aftermath I've thought about a bit -
One - how weird it was to not reach out and touch them, provide comfort to someone I love. How uncomfortable that made me.
Two - how different my reaction was when my brother had told me he and his girlfriend had broken up...I wanted to kill the bitch for cheating on him.
Three - how I felt when I was a new mother and had processed that my husband was actively looking for someone else...the extent of his activites remain unknown to me 15 years later, but I knew he was in contact with other girls while I was pregnant - I just thought it was going to end.
He had to brag to me about how desirable he was, what a sexual being he was - insatiable and what not. He has a bit of an ego issue. Narcissist doesn't begin to cover him.
Unfortunately that isn't the type of thing people get over. He has the same problems today. In fact he's screwed up subsequent relationships by his inappropriate behavior - and I'm not even referring to any potential sexual activity. He told his ex-wife he'd cheat on her with someone he found more compatible sexually because she just didn't do it for him - she was fine and fun and all that, but she wasn't the best he'd ever had. WHAT A MORON!!!
He remained verbally innapropriate towards me up until a year or so ago. I think hanging up the phone, and refusing to speak with him finally got it through his thick head.
Yet, I ramble.
Here's Four - I have found myself confused at my reaction to my friend, this one in particular, but also another friend who had a cheating partner and ended a serious relationship this year - I have been confused as to why I was so extreme in my reaction towards my brother's situation when a WOMAN cheated, and have felt so resigned and passive about my friends when it is a MAN cheating - even my own life, I have been cheated on repeatedly, almost every relationship I've been in, and never wanted to "kill the guy". My ex even got someone pregnant - we were seperated yet still married. He never told me when we reconciled. Yeah, found that one out the hard way. (I've got a lousy picker, I know, I'm not dating at the moment cause I need to fix it first.)
Is it age? Maturity? Society? Complacency? Was I brought up to believe that's how the world works? Am I just that jaded? Have I passed this fatalistic attitude on to my own daughter?
Cheaters are cheaters. It's a choice - not a passive choice, an active choice, and even though I may not be as outraged as I was ten years ago I find the behavior today even more reprehensible. Rather than rage I feel disappointment and dissolutionment with the world as I know it. People I trust, the people whom the people I love trust, friends and family - they should never betray you like that.
So, over the years, and after experiencing divorce myself, twice, when people tell me they're seperated or divorced rather than "Oh, that's too bad" - which it usually isn't - I try to say "Oh, that must have been hard" because making the decision to leave something you've committed to isn't necessarily a difficult choice, but it's not an easy thing to do, either.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Oh, what did I get myself in to?
So, I've accepted at a school half way around the world - there is a nine hour time difference to be precise, so it may not be exactly half way but it's pretty darn close.
And I've found a smokin' apartment...and signed a lease though I have yet to see the place...and have been paying rent...
And then I find my funding was cut, not in half, not even a third, but in fact I will be getting less than 1/7 of what I was expecting - and the calculations I was assured were correct were in fact thrown out the window....which is something Prague does to those unlikable leaders...in days past that is. Defenestration I beleive it is called. Something I am more than willing to revisit considering my present circumstances.
I am moving in 44 days to a country I've never been to, bringing my teenager with me, don't have the funds to pay our tutition, and won't have an answer on our visas for about another month. I have one way tickets in to Europe - which apparently require that we have valid visas or they will deny our entry. I feel totally screwed.
I know noone there. I don't speak the language. The dollar is dropping like mad so that crazy beautiful cheap apartment is still crazy beautiful but rapidly raising in rent....like crazy. In the past month I've had the rent raise more than I've ever had a landlord raise my rent here...and nothing has happened other than our economy seriously tanking.
WHAT, PLEASE TELL ME, WHAT WAS I THINKING?????
And I've found a smokin' apartment...and signed a lease though I have yet to see the place...and have been paying rent...
And then I find my funding was cut, not in half, not even a third, but in fact I will be getting less than 1/7 of what I was expecting - and the calculations I was assured were correct were in fact thrown out the window....which is something Prague does to those unlikable leaders...in days past that is. Defenestration I beleive it is called. Something I am more than willing to revisit considering my present circumstances.
I am moving in 44 days to a country I've never been to, bringing my teenager with me, don't have the funds to pay our tutition, and won't have an answer on our visas for about another month. I have one way tickets in to Europe - which apparently require that we have valid visas or they will deny our entry. I feel totally screwed.
I know noone there. I don't speak the language. The dollar is dropping like mad so that crazy beautiful cheap apartment is still crazy beautiful but rapidly raising in rent....like crazy. In the past month I've had the rent raise more than I've ever had a landlord raise my rent here...and nothing has happened other than our economy seriously tanking.
WHAT, PLEASE TELL ME, WHAT WAS I THINKING?????
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
From Divine on Down - dewey debacle
So, tonight was my friend's birthday and we went to dinner and drinks...six of us left together in two cars - two in one and four in the other. The two left dinner and went home, the four of us went out drinking.
It was a very merry night - and after viewing the pics (forthcoming) some might say it was a very Mary night. Great friends, tons of laughter, company of the highest quality. And plenty of drinks.
Now, I am not slight thing by any stretch of the imagination, yet ya get a few drinks in me and I'm feeling it for quite a while. Seriously. I am rather paranoid about the whole driving thing, and yet know I've driven when I really shouldn't have. Tonight was not to be one of those nights - I was not the driver. But, back to me - a few drinks and I lose an accurate perception and my best judgement. Much like everyone else. I'm also used to my friends drinking more than me and not being impacted in the same manner - they contain themselves a bit better.
So, when we left the place it turns out the driver took a hard sudden left down a side street that caught a cop's attention - he was ahead of us and turned around to follow. He came up with some little infraction to pull us over and then quite politely hauled the driver out and ran him through the whole circuit of tests. Meanwhile, me and my two friends were sitting there stressing - fuck, shit, shut up, stop talking, fuck, can they do this, oh fuck!
So he blew too high. That's what happened. They arrested him and ran all our licenses for background stuff and explained he could either blow again for a formal reading then be released to a sober person or go get his blood drawn and stay in jail for the night. We were still in the car waiting for our ID. He couldn't make up his mind.
Finally, knowing how much I'd had to drink and sure it wouldn't work, I asked if I could blow and see if I'm sober in order to take chare of him - making sure first that if I were over .08 that I couldn't get in trouble for anything as I hadn't been driving and wasn't make a disturbance for a drunk in public citation. He said sure, and after several failed attempts at getting the machine working I finally blew - number unknown, but low enough to be legally sober and take custody of my friend.
After the paperwork and the rigamarole he was released and we went inside - were I had just promised he would stay the night. He grabbed his stuff to go for a walk and get some smokes. We checked with the officers to make sure he could leave without facing arrest, and got their consent. I went back inside.
And sat down. For a long time. And here's what I got out of it:
While we were signing paperwork a call came through - there had been a drunk driving accident - I
was so grateful to be where I was at that exact moment I heard the call, rather than being the reason
behind the call. It's not worth it.
Our driver had offered to drive for the night. That carries responsibilities - such as not drinking.
Now, my friend the host, my other friend, and I each may feel a bit of guilt - maybe since I
apparently was legal I should have been driving or at least offered, or some one else could have
driven or maybe we should have used a different person altogether, or come home instead of
stopping one last place, or or or... And while there may be some truth behind all those options - the
fact of the matter is that when one person takes on a responbility voluntarily there are obligations to
be upheld and other people are reliant upon them carrying those duties out.
Had I been aware that I blew a legal amount maybe I should have offered to drive - but I wasn't aware and didn't feel like that. I felt intoxicated. I wasn't paying attention to how much he was drinking. As far as I could tell he seemed fine - until he started talking with the officer that is.
There are other things that could have happened, and unfortunately it was a huge downer for my friends - the birthday guy and the driver - and totally avoidable. I feel terrible it happened, but I do not feel responsible despite the fact that legally I was more responsible than another. We each choose for ourselves in matters like this. Noone made him drive, noone made him drink. Those were his choices. Unfortunate choices, but ones he can learn from. Hopefully. And we as his friends and witnesses can too.
I am moving to a country with a zero blood alcohol driving policy - zero. Fortunately I will be restricted to public transportation and taxis so I won't have to worry about it.
It was a very merry night - and after viewing the pics (forthcoming) some might say it was a very Mary night. Great friends, tons of laughter, company of the highest quality. And plenty of drinks.
Now, I am not slight thing by any stretch of the imagination, yet ya get a few drinks in me and I'm feeling it for quite a while. Seriously. I am rather paranoid about the whole driving thing, and yet know I've driven when I really shouldn't have. Tonight was not to be one of those nights - I was not the driver. But, back to me - a few drinks and I lose an accurate perception and my best judgement. Much like everyone else. I'm also used to my friends drinking more than me and not being impacted in the same manner - they contain themselves a bit better.
So, when we left the place it turns out the driver took a hard sudden left down a side street that caught a cop's attention - he was ahead of us and turned around to follow. He came up with some little infraction to pull us over and then quite politely hauled the driver out and ran him through the whole circuit of tests. Meanwhile, me and my two friends were sitting there stressing - fuck, shit, shut up, stop talking, fuck, can they do this, oh fuck!
So he blew too high. That's what happened. They arrested him and ran all our licenses for background stuff and explained he could either blow again for a formal reading then be released to a sober person or go get his blood drawn and stay in jail for the night. We were still in the car waiting for our ID. He couldn't make up his mind.
Finally, knowing how much I'd had to drink and sure it wouldn't work, I asked if I could blow and see if I'm sober in order to take chare of him - making sure first that if I were over .08 that I couldn't get in trouble for anything as I hadn't been driving and wasn't make a disturbance for a drunk in public citation. He said sure, and after several failed attempts at getting the machine working I finally blew - number unknown, but low enough to be legally sober and take custody of my friend.
After the paperwork and the rigamarole he was released and we went inside - were I had just promised he would stay the night. He grabbed his stuff to go for a walk and get some smokes. We checked with the officers to make sure he could leave without facing arrest, and got their consent. I went back inside.
And sat down. For a long time. And here's what I got out of it:
While we were signing paperwork a call came through - there had been a drunk driving accident - I
was so grateful to be where I was at that exact moment I heard the call, rather than being the reason
behind the call. It's not worth it.
Our driver had offered to drive for the night. That carries responsibilities - such as not drinking.
Now, my friend the host, my other friend, and I each may feel a bit of guilt - maybe since I
apparently was legal I should have been driving or at least offered, or some one else could have
driven or maybe we should have used a different person altogether, or come home instead of
stopping one last place, or or or... And while there may be some truth behind all those options - the
fact of the matter is that when one person takes on a responbility voluntarily there are obligations to
be upheld and other people are reliant upon them carrying those duties out.
Had I been aware that I blew a legal amount maybe I should have offered to drive - but I wasn't aware and didn't feel like that. I felt intoxicated. I wasn't paying attention to how much he was drinking. As far as I could tell he seemed fine - until he started talking with the officer that is.
There are other things that could have happened, and unfortunately it was a huge downer for my friends - the birthday guy and the driver - and totally avoidable. I feel terrible it happened, but I do not feel responsible despite the fact that legally I was more responsible than another. We each choose for ourselves in matters like this. Noone made him drive, noone made him drink. Those were his choices. Unfortunate choices, but ones he can learn from. Hopefully. And we as his friends and witnesses can too.
I am moving to a country with a zero blood alcohol driving policy - zero. Fortunately I will be restricted to public transportation and taxis so I won't have to worry about it.
Monday, May 5, 2008
I GOT ACCEPTED!
Now here comes the hard part...
What to do.
I know what I want to do, go and live and learn and love and grow and be happy. The logistics are working themselves out, I just need to be patient and let that finish happening.
The hard part is how to handle the child issue - which will be an intense but surmountable battle - and the dog, which is just a whole other matter.
The Kid is still holding out hope for an opening to arise, knowing she will be plucked from the list of alternates at one of the country's more presitgious boarding schools. Alternatively she has announced that she will be journeying with me. The Father, as uninvolved as he is in her daily life, will protest at the idea of her leaving the country - although he was fine with her moving cross-country - even though he will have the same amount of visitation and exposure to her either way. That is the surmountable part. She is nearly 15 and can decide for herself. In fact, she has decided and so now I will make sure that is what happens. And if she changes her mind and decides on something else then I will make sure THAT happens as well.
The dog - logistically, that will be a nightmare. Just getting her to and from the airport will be a nightmare. A great big one considering how neurotic she is. I'm not sure an international flight would be in her best interest. I've gotta figure something out.
Meanwhile I am trying to pay attention to the other big issues, like - um, where will we live? How will we get around? Visa stuff and renewing passports...Learning how to navigate the foreign police...Those minor issues that arise.
Like I said, everything will be worked out.
Dammit - the one thing I'm upset about today - the Dandy Warhols had a free listening party in SF tonight and I missed it! The only announced it yesterday and I couldn't get my act together in order to make it happen. I don't know if I'll ever get to see them!
What to do.
I know what I want to do, go and live and learn and love and grow and be happy. The logistics are working themselves out, I just need to be patient and let that finish happening.
The hard part is how to handle the child issue - which will be an intense but surmountable battle - and the dog, which is just a whole other matter.
The Kid is still holding out hope for an opening to arise, knowing she will be plucked from the list of alternates at one of the country's more presitgious boarding schools. Alternatively she has announced that she will be journeying with me. The Father, as uninvolved as he is in her daily life, will protest at the idea of her leaving the country - although he was fine with her moving cross-country - even though he will have the same amount of visitation and exposure to her either way. That is the surmountable part. She is nearly 15 and can decide for herself. In fact, she has decided and so now I will make sure that is what happens. And if she changes her mind and decides on something else then I will make sure THAT happens as well.
The dog - logistically, that will be a nightmare. Just getting her to and from the airport will be a nightmare. A great big one considering how neurotic she is. I'm not sure an international flight would be in her best interest. I've gotta figure something out.
Meanwhile I am trying to pay attention to the other big issues, like - um, where will we live? How will we get around? Visa stuff and renewing passports...Learning how to navigate the foreign police...Those minor issues that arise.
Like I said, everything will be worked out.
Dammit - the one thing I'm upset about today - the Dandy Warhols had a free listening party in SF tonight and I missed it! The only announced it yesterday and I couldn't get my act together in order to make it happen. I don't know if I'll ever get to see them!
Friday, April 25, 2008
News and Views
So, it turns out my virus thingy was a virus and also strep throat - I've been in bed sleeping and croaking out a very few sounds all week. It's Friday now, so it really has been all week.
I've been reading up on current news sites and such and am just getting rather overwhelmed by how depressing the world is - gas is rising, rice is rising, so are clothes and cars...in the Middle East people are now saying the Iraqi PM is a worse dictator than Saddam and predicting that in another 30 years the US will move to overhaul their government...again...for like the 4th or 5th time in the past century. People are crying, children are dying, governments lying. And I'm sleeping in my cozy bed. Complaining cause I can't really breathe well - which is sort of important - and my thoat hurts - which is like a -3 on the relevant-to-the-world meter.
And most of all - I AM SO SICK OF THE PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES! Seriously! There has been enough media coverage ALREADY for the ENTIRE DAMN ELECTION! I don't want to see or hear another word about who or what or where or why. I'm only starting to hate the candidates even more! And this is really bumming me out cause I believe we need a change and that McCain is not the best option of the three to effect it. I'm not saying either Clinton or Obama are the right choice, but I truly believe either one would be better than McC. And I'm starting to not care anymore.
Which should show what a depressed state I am in, because I also believe that there are few things more important to me as an American than caring and doing what can be done in order to ensure a certain quality of life for my child, redeem ourselves in international eyes, affirm basic standards of living are applicable to all citizens - housing, health care, food, etc, and work to protect our environment and slow down global warming cause we're too late to stop it! We need someone who cares.
And right now that someone isn't me. Which makes me sad. Wait, I'm sad - does that mean I care?
I've been reading up on current news sites and such and am just getting rather overwhelmed by how depressing the world is - gas is rising, rice is rising, so are clothes and cars...in the Middle East people are now saying the Iraqi PM is a worse dictator than Saddam and predicting that in another 30 years the US will move to overhaul their government...again...for like the 4th or 5th time in the past century. People are crying, children are dying, governments lying. And I'm sleeping in my cozy bed. Complaining cause I can't really breathe well - which is sort of important - and my thoat hurts - which is like a -3 on the relevant-to-the-world meter.
And most of all - I AM SO SICK OF THE PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES! Seriously! There has been enough media coverage ALREADY for the ENTIRE DAMN ELECTION! I don't want to see or hear another word about who or what or where or why. I'm only starting to hate the candidates even more! And this is really bumming me out cause I believe we need a change and that McCain is not the best option of the three to effect it. I'm not saying either Clinton or Obama are the right choice, but I truly believe either one would be better than McC. And I'm starting to not care anymore.
Which should show what a depressed state I am in, because I also believe that there are few things more important to me as an American than caring and doing what can be done in order to ensure a certain quality of life for my child, redeem ourselves in international eyes, affirm basic standards of living are applicable to all citizens - housing, health care, food, etc, and work to protect our environment and slow down global warming cause we're too late to stop it! We need someone who cares.
And right now that someone isn't me. Which makes me sad. Wait, I'm sad - does that mean I care?
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
If you know that I'm sick...
Then why did you call?
I'm at home, in bed, with a terrible head cold, virus thingy, that's making it nearly impossible to think or swallow, and only just slightly easier to breathe.
My phone rings, and I can see it's a relative, so I answer, barely audibly,"'Lo?"
And the conversation ensues - "Oh, so I hear your not feeling too well"
"Yeah, I can barely talk " (that came out as a very gravely and quite painful whisper)
"
Oh, that. Yeah, so...." - and they were just gettin started. The conversation went on for a while longer, with me trying to get out a grunt ot two as required
Why? If you know I can't talk, why do you call and try to drag the words out of me? Give me a few days and I'll get 'em out myself
I'm at home, in bed, with a terrible head cold, virus thingy, that's making it nearly impossible to think or swallow, and only just slightly easier to breathe.
My phone rings, and I can see it's a relative, so I answer, barely audibly,"'Lo?"
And the conversation ensues - "Oh, so I hear your not feeling too well"
"Yeah, I can barely talk " (that came out as a very gravely and quite painful whisper)
"
Oh, that. Yeah, so...." - and they were just gettin started. The conversation went on for a while longer, with me trying to get out a grunt ot two as required
Why? If you know I can't talk, why do you call and try to drag the words out of me? Give me a few days and I'll get 'em out myself
More of My Roommate's Food
So my roomie decided to cook again - brave decision after the lasagna expirement (scroll down for the pic). This time is was enchiladas....yes, some people thought her lasagna looked like enchiladas but seriously she decided to make enchiladas.
And at first she did really well - she made a TON, again, but decided to freeze some rather than cook a month's worth and then toss is all out. It was when the actual cooking started that there was a problem.
She came home somewhere about 6:30 or so and put the food in the oven.
I was out and about, and sometime around 11:30 I wandered in to the kitchen as I couldn't figure out what I was smelling - it smelled like bad brownies or something.
Nope, it was the enchiladas, still cooking away at about 450, five hours later.
So, I turned off the oven but was scared to take the smoldering dish out of the oven as I thought it might burst in to flames and burn the house down...if I left if in the oven it could burst in to flames and run out of oxygen....great logic, huh?
She didn't remember about the enchiladas for about 5 days - after turning off the oven I promptly forgot about them too.
When I remembered they were still there, waiting for someone to deal with it. I gave it to her - not my disaster - and rather than try to throw out the food and clean my dish, she just threw out everything with the promise to replace...
That was last week and two or three Target trips ago.
Right.
My one regret isn't telling her she could throw out the pan, it's that I didn't take a pic of it first. It was ridiciulous!
And at first she did really well - she made a TON, again, but decided to freeze some rather than cook a month's worth and then toss is all out. It was when the actual cooking started that there was a problem.
She came home somewhere about 6:30 or so and put the food in the oven.
I was out and about, and sometime around 11:30 I wandered in to the kitchen as I couldn't figure out what I was smelling - it smelled like bad brownies or something.
Nope, it was the enchiladas, still cooking away at about 450, five hours later.
So, I turned off the oven but was scared to take the smoldering dish out of the oven as I thought it might burst in to flames and burn the house down...if I left if in the oven it could burst in to flames and run out of oxygen....great logic, huh?
She didn't remember about the enchiladas for about 5 days - after turning off the oven I promptly forgot about them too.
When I remembered they were still there, waiting for someone to deal with it. I gave it to her - not my disaster - and rather than try to throw out the food and clean my dish, she just threw out everything with the promise to replace...
That was last week and two or three Target trips ago.
Right.
My one regret isn't telling her she could throw out the pan, it's that I didn't take a pic of it first. It was ridiciulous!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Like Musical Chairs but I Never Sat Down...it's Musical Bars
So tonight I was headed down to a local bar, a regular place, to meet a few friends for a drink and to check out the band - they have music on Thursday nights. Yet, when I got there, I realized not only were my friends not there, there wasn't any music either. Called up the people I was planning on meeting, texted others I'd like to see, and realized I was gonna be there on my own...not really up for it tonight, I was out to hang out with friends not make new drinking buddies.
So I walked down to the Stout Brothers cause I remembered a myspace bulletin that my friend Pat Jordan was playing and thought - he's a great guy and I like his music I'll drop by. And I did. And I ran in to his family who were friends with my family and then my phone rang so I went outside to answer (it was another friend letting me know she wouldn't make it) and then I ran in to another old friend who used to work with my ex-husband. A really cool guy, Jay. So Jay I and were standing there outside a coffee shop talking and catching up and this little kid comes out to get him and I'm confused as to what's going on and he tells me that he's backing up his cousin who is sitting inside the coffee house singing. Funny thing is - I thought it was my cousin in there singing...they are both professionals and have similar tones and ranges to their voice, play keyboard and guitar to accompany themselves, same height (at least it looks like that), similar profiles, same smiles and hair color. I was a bit confused.
So I stuck around a bit and listened to them play. And the guy was really good. Ryan Huston was his name, and you can hear him on myspace or buy his stuff on itunes or his website or whatever. Anyway, when they finished - and it was early cause they were in a coffee shop that had already closed and it was only 9, I went back down to Stout Brothers to see Pat again, and then decided it was time to make the treck back to my car...which I did quickly cause it was cold and I was in a t-shirt. I stopped back at my regular place but it was lacking friendly faces so I hopped back in my car, stopped to get some food and then came home to watch some BSG with the Kidlet before bed.
Now, I'm staying up super late hoping to hear from the school in Prague - or at least get a response to my emai requesting an update and more info on their application/admission time line. It's very confusing when directors refer to you being there and studying when you haven't been admitted yet. Urg.
So I walked down to the Stout Brothers cause I remembered a myspace bulletin that my friend Pat Jordan was playing and thought - he's a great guy and I like his music I'll drop by. And I did. And I ran in to his family who were friends with my family and then my phone rang so I went outside to answer (it was another friend letting me know she wouldn't make it) and then I ran in to another old friend who used to work with my ex-husband. A really cool guy, Jay. So Jay I and were standing there outside a coffee shop talking and catching up and this little kid comes out to get him and I'm confused as to what's going on and he tells me that he's backing up his cousin who is sitting inside the coffee house singing. Funny thing is - I thought it was my cousin in there singing...they are both professionals and have similar tones and ranges to their voice, play keyboard and guitar to accompany themselves, same height (at least it looks like that), similar profiles, same smiles and hair color. I was a bit confused.
So I stuck around a bit and listened to them play. And the guy was really good. Ryan Huston was his name, and you can hear him on myspace or buy his stuff on itunes or his website or whatever. Anyway, when they finished - and it was early cause they were in a coffee shop that had already closed and it was only 9, I went back down to Stout Brothers to see Pat again, and then decided it was time to make the treck back to my car...which I did quickly cause it was cold and I was in a t-shirt. I stopped back at my regular place but it was lacking friendly faces so I hopped back in my car, stopped to get some food and then came home to watch some BSG with the Kidlet before bed.
Now, I'm staying up super late hoping to hear from the school in Prague - or at least get a response to my emai requesting an update and more info on their application/admission time line. It's very confusing when directors refer to you being there and studying when you haven't been admitted yet. Urg.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
My most favorite lizard ever!
FYI - I hate snakes. Really, really hate snakes. And I have a hard time with lizards too. Hate 'em. Why? Cause they look like snakes. Snakes with little stubby arms and legs and sharp claws. And they're too fast and move too sporadically to have a clue whether or not they're running away from you or running under your foot as you try to escape their habitat.
Most animals would run away. Squirrels sometimes don't know which direction to run either, and that's why you'll see them smooshed. I like squirrels. Smooshed squirrels can make me feel sad. Smooshed snakes, on the other hand, those bring me a sigh of relief, well, mixed with anxiety about there having been a snake within my smooshing vicinity - or for me to see it smooshed, cause that means it was once there alive and since I am now there living and viewing it, it once intruded upon my personal safety zone. Of course, though, I don't see smooshed snakes all that often. Most people around here either let them live free or chop their heads off and then dispose of both parts very carefully.
(Relevant side note - where I live we have rattle snakes and those are scary. If you happen to get "bit" by a dead snake then you can still be poisoned by their venom so be very careful around snakes even if they're dead.)
Smooshed lizards on the other hand - well, I don't see that all too often either. The birds try to get them before they can commit suicide under your car. Here, though, while walking the dog the other day, I found a smooshed lizard. Hope you like him. I've named him Sam. 
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Up in Annadel
These are some of the native plants up in the park behind my house. When the dog runs away, this is where she likes to go. When we take her for a walk, this is where she likes to go. I think the dog likes the park. I also think the lichen is stupendous. I once knew a guy named Lichen. We went to high school together. I also knew a guy named Rainbow. We made out.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
California Should Be Our Own Country
I was talking with The Kid just now, about Tibet, Darfur, China, and Sudan, the Olympics and stuff...casual, reflective end of the day going to bed random 'why' and 'how come' and 'who do they' type stuff.
Anyway, we got on to the fact that here in CA we're a little more progressive than another of the United States as a whole - other states have metropolitan areas that might be cool and open and respectful and stuff, but here most of the state is pretty forward thinking...not all, but most.
And it got me to thinking - maybe we really should be our own nation.
We, as a state, have a leading economy, we have a strong GNP, we have a thriving agricultural industry, great exports, wonderful water ways for international shipping, desirable tourist attractions, a booming entertainment industry, share a border with another nation, and try to put in place reasonable regulations the federal government overrules as they're not that interested in doing all they can today to slow global warming. We are more tolerant and accepting, thrive with more diversity than most other states, and have our own sense of style, time, and speech.
We don't really have a lot of involvement with DC, we don't agree with Washington politics, we could definitely do with an overhaul to numerous governmental regulations, we have drugs approved here the Feds outlaw...I could go on but I'm tired.
Don't you think it's about time??
Anyway, we got on to the fact that here in CA we're a little more progressive than another of the United States as a whole - other states have metropolitan areas that might be cool and open and respectful and stuff, but here most of the state is pretty forward thinking...not all, but most.
And it got me to thinking - maybe we really should be our own nation.
We, as a state, have a leading economy, we have a strong GNP, we have a thriving agricultural industry, great exports, wonderful water ways for international shipping, desirable tourist attractions, a booming entertainment industry, share a border with another nation, and try to put in place reasonable regulations the federal government overrules as they're not that interested in doing all they can today to slow global warming. We are more tolerant and accepting, thrive with more diversity than most other states, and have our own sense of style, time, and speech.
We don't really have a lot of involvement with DC, we don't agree with Washington politics, we could definitely do with an overhaul to numerous governmental regulations, we have drugs approved here the Feds outlaw...I could go on but I'm tired.
Don't you think it's about time??
Mommyhood - and shit
It's not too often I get reflective about parenting, but this morning, while driving my kid to school, I started thinking about my relationship with her father. Not a pleasant one.
I got pregnant and married at nineteen. If you do one, don't do the other. Please. Life will be a lot easier for you. I was divorced before I was 21. What a way to start adulthood. That's the kind of description you're supposed to read about some 50 year old housewife married, a mother, no education or career, and now starting life over on her own .
It has not been an easy path. Relationships have been difficult - needy men versus my need to be a mother, getting through school has taken decades (ok, maybe just one), and oh yeah, regular every day life stuff too. One of the harder aspects of it all has been watching my nuckleheaded ex-husband fail to make an effort at fatherhood, and my child try to incorporate his ongoing rejection and indifference in to her life. He's such a failure, in general, that he doesn't realize his lack of involvement impacts his offspring. It does.
We fight. No, not so much, not after I learned how to just hang up a phone, or stay on the phone but not acknowledging the attempted detours and desperate deviations on the other end when matters like custody and support come up. What the hell, honestly, those don't just come up - they're the only the I have to talk about with him. Q. When are you actually going to show up? When did you send in a check? A Maybe in another week or two, and like on a Sunday, like around 1 or 2 and she'll be home by 3. Check, uh, yeah, I don't use checks anymore and the DA won't accept cash so I don't think I can pay support. We need to get it worked out at court, so you won't see anything for a while. This is your fault you know, if you didn't make me pay the DA I could just give you cash and I'd never be late or behind or anything but just cause I missed a few years you made the court take it over. You suck you know.
Seriously - these are the responses I get. No I just say, well thanks for letting me know, or, oh, well that's an interesting take on the situation. But I digress - better I do it here than on the phone.
My child's happiness is my utmost priority. I am in a state where I am trying to do everything I can for her, allow freedoms and yet push when needed, while providing unconditional support and love. Greatest most easy going Kid, ever. The Dad continues to make things difficult. Lies to The Kid, lies to me, gets caught by The Kid and lies some more - never fails to disappoint. And that's not just my take - I have to reign in The Kid and the honest yet unfortunate paternal observations - sad little jokes - such as - Dad said he'd be here by 10 on Saturday - I"ll bet you 20 bucks he calls at least twice to change it, won't show up to 1 on Sunday....or Dad said (fill in any sort of obligation here) followed by a genuine burst of laughter and confusion on everybody else's behalf and then the honest answer - he's a compulsive liar, and doesn't even realize it.
No child should have to life with a lack of respect for and a lack of love from a parent. Ever. Especially now when they're still growing and learning how to define relationships - shaping the world within their heart and learning how love feels within their truth. It's not fair. More, even, it's not right. That is an ultimate injustice - what innocent deserves rejection from those who should teach them strength, teach them love, teach them how to live?
Part of the problem is that being so young, you don't know how to put in to practice what you haven't experienced yet. Being so young, you feel mature, but you're a baby adult - you don't know how to be vulnerable, how to be responsible in a world beyond basic education, you don't know how to evaluate another's future potential beyond levels of attraction and entertainment, and you don't know that you don't know this. Ignorance is a heavily wielded weapon.
I am approaching 15 years later. Fifteen years of dealing with this guy - and let me tell you something I failed to appreciate all those years ago - he's a diagnosed sociopath - he is only capable of viewing the world and other people in ways that affect him, he truly cannot relate to any one on any level. Fifteen years of his selfishness, cruelty, and rejection thrown at my kid, and yesterday there was a bit of a breakthrough. Of sorts.
See, he was really dumb and went and got some other girl pregnant and had another kid. Now they're not together and fighting all the time. Comparatively I'm a saint - understanding, not argumentative - forget comparatively, I am a saint - understanding, not argumentative, focused on the problem in front of me and not the past, things like that. He finally acknowledged it. I tried to let this girl know, years ago when she was insecure in their relationship and thought I 'wanted him" - he's a disgusting person with no sense of responsibilty as - person or as a parent. The Kid was only about 10, and he was nearing $30,000 in past due child support...I can't stand looking at him - now, partially cause it reminds me what a terrible judge of character I was, partially because he exudes smarm and oozes this oilly energy - like a psychic soulsucker.
I got pregnant and married at nineteen. If you do one, don't do the other. Please. Life will be a lot easier for you. I was divorced before I was 21. What a way to start adulthood. That's the kind of description you're supposed to read about some 50 year old housewife married, a mother, no education or career, and now starting life over on her own .
It has not been an easy path. Relationships have been difficult - needy men versus my need to be a mother, getting through school has taken decades (ok, maybe just one), and oh yeah, regular every day life stuff too. One of the harder aspects of it all has been watching my nuckleheaded ex-husband fail to make an effort at fatherhood, and my child try to incorporate his ongoing rejection and indifference in to her life. He's such a failure, in general, that he doesn't realize his lack of involvement impacts his offspring. It does.
We fight. No, not so much, not after I learned how to just hang up a phone, or stay on the phone but not acknowledging the attempted detours and desperate deviations on the other end when matters like custody and support come up. What the hell, honestly, those don't just come up - they're the only the I have to talk about with him. Q. When are you actually going to show up? When did you send in a check? A Maybe in another week or two, and like on a Sunday, like around 1 or 2 and she'll be home by 3. Check, uh, yeah, I don't use checks anymore and the DA won't accept cash so I don't think I can pay support. We need to get it worked out at court, so you won't see anything for a while. This is your fault you know, if you didn't make me pay the DA I could just give you cash and I'd never be late or behind or anything but just cause I missed a few years you made the court take it over. You suck you know.
Seriously - these are the responses I get. No I just say, well thanks for letting me know, or, oh, well that's an interesting take on the situation. But I digress - better I do it here than on the phone.
My child's happiness is my utmost priority. I am in a state where I am trying to do everything I can for her, allow freedoms and yet push when needed, while providing unconditional support and love. Greatest most easy going Kid, ever. The Dad continues to make things difficult. Lies to The Kid, lies to me, gets caught by The Kid and lies some more - never fails to disappoint. And that's not just my take - I have to reign in The Kid and the honest yet unfortunate paternal observations - sad little jokes - such as - Dad said he'd be here by 10 on Saturday - I"ll bet you 20 bucks he calls at least twice to change it, won't show up to 1 on Sunday....or Dad said (fill in any sort of obligation here) followed by a genuine burst of laughter and confusion on everybody else's behalf and then the honest answer - he's a compulsive liar, and doesn't even realize it.
No child should have to life with a lack of respect for and a lack of love from a parent. Ever. Especially now when they're still growing and learning how to define relationships - shaping the world within their heart and learning how love feels within their truth. It's not fair. More, even, it's not right. That is an ultimate injustice - what innocent deserves rejection from those who should teach them strength, teach them love, teach them how to live?
Part of the problem is that being so young, you don't know how to put in to practice what you haven't experienced yet. Being so young, you feel mature, but you're a baby adult - you don't know how to be vulnerable, how to be responsible in a world beyond basic education, you don't know how to evaluate another's future potential beyond levels of attraction and entertainment, and you don't know that you don't know this. Ignorance is a heavily wielded weapon.
I am approaching 15 years later. Fifteen years of dealing with this guy - and let me tell you something I failed to appreciate all those years ago - he's a diagnosed sociopath - he is only capable of viewing the world and other people in ways that affect him, he truly cannot relate to any one on any level. Fifteen years of his selfishness, cruelty, and rejection thrown at my kid, and yesterday there was a bit of a breakthrough. Of sorts.
See, he was really dumb and went and got some other girl pregnant and had another kid. Now they're not together and fighting all the time. Comparatively I'm a saint - understanding, not argumentative - forget comparatively, I am a saint - understanding, not argumentative, focused on the problem in front of me and not the past, things like that. He finally acknowledged it. I tried to let this girl know, years ago when she was insecure in their relationship and thought I 'wanted him" - he's a disgusting person with no sense of responsibilty as - person or as a parent. The Kid was only about 10, and he was nearing $30,000 in past due child support...I can't stand looking at him - now, partially cause it reminds me what a terrible judge of character I was, partially because he exudes smarm and oozes this oilly energy - like a psychic soulsucker.
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