I forgot how and dammit why'd you remind me?!?

I have gone for years without intimacy. Forget that statement. I have gone for years without meeting someone with whom I desired intimacy. And, no, not physical intimacy you skeptics - true intimacy.

And for the most part I've been comfortable with it. Safe might be a better way to describe it, I've felt safe that way. Not putting myself out there, but then again, I haven't met someone I've wanted to expose myself to.

Until last night. At my parents of all places. My sister's best friend was in town with her fiance and her childhood best friend. They stopped off at the folks to say "Hey" while they were around...not that my sister was there, just my parents, so the folks called me and I said I'd come by too. Not that I truly understood who was there, I just thought it was all part of our bigger family. And in a sense it was, and in another sense - God how I wish he was!

Love, lust, desire, affection - those emotions have never ever ever crept up on me! They just hit me over the head, hard. and usually right when eye contact is first made. And I fall hard and fast, and it's heartbreaking!!!

BTW - I am divorced. For a number of years my ex has been "threatening" to move to Seattle - I've been pleading with him to GO, please, and leave me my town you Texan interloper! I've even stated that since he's staying put I will go as I have some family and old friends who live up there. Finally, he's going. And the man I am ready to chase after, throw myself at, and whose eyes I just want to lose my life in, whose touch racks by body with warmth beyond warm, well, this guy lives in Seattle. And to everyone I know it will look like I'm stalking my ex-husband. I AM NOT!

Difficulties, besides the fact that Seattle is no where near SF - he is my sister's best friend's best friend. I love my sister and in fact we are friends too. I am also friends with her best friend. So, he's my friend, and dearly loved family friend's best friend. If I screw things up, and honey, it is me, I am the screwer upper, then I throw the whole best friends link into jeopardy and I am not ready to take on that responsibility as I know how much my sister needs her best non-sister best friend...A LOT.

So, we hugged upon the close of our meal, not just a little hug, but a very close, very tight genuinely affectionate hug. And it was wonderful. And he kept looking at me, my eyes, right into my eyes as we all sat and talked, and listened, and laughed, and shared many a disgusting story! And throughout dinner, and then after dinner, and then on the front porch. It even looked as though when he was coming to hug me good bye he was going to give me a kiss - on the cheek kind of thing, but I kinda of ducked and moved in faster as I was already nervous and trembling and standing in my parents living room wanting to totally make out with this guy I've just met, while my parents, daughter, and friends are all surrounding us saying their goodbyes.

The positive thing is this - We talked, and while neither numbers or emails debuted, he will be making a return visit in August for the big birthday celebration and spa day.

I have two conflicting desires a the moment - ONE is that when he gets back down here for another visit I do not find him attractive at the least. I went with the least likely scenario first as I don't really hope it, but it would make things simple. TWO is that he feels the same way about me, and even more so (I know we're both single right now) and he can't wait to take me aside and talk about planning some of those new SouthWest flights that come directly in to town.

I have only two months to agonize. Damn!