Escrow closed today. I hope and pray this will be the last move of my life!! I just need to find movers...any takers? Bueller? Bueller? Actually I think that I will somehow manage to obtain parental help with the moving expenses. You see, Kidlet can't do it cause of the whole head thing, I can't cause of the whole body thing, my Pop can't cause of the whole back thing, my Mom can't cause of the whole traditional mother's don't really carry large heavy objects when they can afford to hire some one else to do it, and I don't think I can find a man to marry or even sexually bribe between now and then.
Which is actually quite rather pathetic. Not the marriage part, but the whole bribery thing. I mean I have about another month until the former owners actually get out, and with that amount of time I don't think I can get my act together, shave my legs, wrap the funbags in a wisp of cloth and an inch or two of thread, and locate some manly mane, or more likely some desperate nerd - hopefully either with a fortune and willing to fund the move, or with some friends who want to jump in on the fun and complete the move themselves!
Pathetic! I've gotten so old in my old age! Actually, in the past month I've aged about 15 years, which is fine - I'm still being confused for my daughter's sister, and my friends for our mother...actually at this point I'm starting to get the idea I need to step it up a bit. It would be nice if as a mid-30's lady people looked at me and notice - WOMAN - rather than thinking, young, naive, not super hot so probably desperate and easy... let me see, maybe she won't notice the not-so-sly booby brush or should I just go straight for the ass grab.
What's really creepy, and this is for real here, not some hooey you throw up here in order to maintain your readers, and this, it's creepy, and really, really disturbing. Going back to the guys and young girls, or women rather, in a bar or club, or at a party... Rather recently I was out and talking to a casual acquaintance, not a close friend - mutual beer buying on birthdays kind of thing - talented, sought after, and a man whore. Regardless of that last fact he doesn't do it for me. Anyway, we were talking and somehow phones came up - camera phones and pictures. I ended up seeing dozens of photos of faceless females - it was an entire collection of in public under the skirt shots - dropped napkins, spilt drinks, shoes to be fixed, whatever the cover may have been - they were now in the phone! There were gramma panties, dirty panties,thighs so big you couldn't see the panties, thongs, cute cotton panties and no panties, some were posed, some unposed, some silverware, and oh yes, even more!!! I have never been so suddenly horrified and self conscious in my life!
So, I have introduced leggings to my daughter and have a new found appreciation for capris.
Ladies, keep both feet on the ground, knees together, and your crotch covered. You never know when the phone is going to attack. Fo Sho.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
When Animals Attack
Dear International News Agencies,
Recently there has been a surge in strange animal activity. At times these stories have a definite impact upon the state of our planet, the birth of nearly extinct animals, the loss of another species, and the like, while at others, these stories are geared directly at my worst nightmares.
In the past few months there were stories about an anaconda which has been stealing goats and small children. The creature was caught by a grandfather trying to stop the animal from digesting his grandson. The appropriate photographs of the school age child were included, as was the grandfather, and the monstorous snake body. I mistakenly believed that anacondas did not eat people, especially not people larger than a grown goat. Thank you for informing me otherwise.
Last week was the story about the crocodile that attacked the State Trooper's vehicle. I was always under the impression that you were safe from crocodiles if you remained inside a locked, and moving, vehicle. Thank you for the enlightenment. Crodociles will attack, disable, and attempt to devour your vehicle on their way to your meaty human flesh. I will sleep better at night.
There have been stories of people stung by scorpions during the middle of an international flight and while in the grocery store shopping for fruit. While I had always believed scorpions to be outdoor creature, not prone to airports or fruitstands, I now know better. I once had to kill a very large and quite deadly scorpion in order to save my dog's life. It was a horrible experience, the crunching and the clawing, the way it would not die - it is one I do not wish to repeat. I shall always be on the alert. The next time I board a plane I will thoroughly check my seat cushions prior to take off so the flight attendant can dispose of any scorpions for me. And I shall abstain from all fruit, maybe I should include all vegetables too.
Then today was the article that brought me back to my child hood fears. It related to a few other stories I recently saw that have yet to leave my conscious thought. They deal with old childhood stories about small insects and other bugs making a home out of your nose, ear, hair, or skin.
There was recently a story of about someone who went to the doctor for a rather unusual skin disturbance. As the doctor poked and prodded the skin it erupted and hundreds of baby spiders made it's way down the obliging incubator's neck. Now, I don't suppose any of the waiting patients remained in their rooms after hearing the multitude of screams and the resulting level of hysteria, but I could be wrong. As you have shown me so recently, I frequently am.
And today, well, today you were kind enough to headline the story about the young boy who heard the crackling noises of a pair of spiders taking a walk through of their new home, his eardrum. Unfortunately the doctor had to irrigate his ear canal to discover the spiders and in the process killed one, and destroyed their home, so you were not actually able to provide the relevant photos with this story.
I would like to thank you, International News Agencies, for bringing back my childhood fears and nightmares. As I had grown and matured I convinced myself these fears were irrational old tales told to scare one another at a sleep over - you have now taken that magical world away for all future children who will have to find more creative and disgusting ways to scare on another at a sleepover, and opened my eyes to the fact that yes, sometimes children are smarter than adults, some adults are just living in a dream world, thinking that disease, fires, wars, and famine are the frightening things in live. While they may be frightening, I fear it is far more likely some spider will appropriate my body while I sleep and months later I will give birth to a litter of mutant spider babies.
Sleep well my friends.
Recently there has been a surge in strange animal activity. At times these stories have a definite impact upon the state of our planet, the birth of nearly extinct animals, the loss of another species, and the like, while at others, these stories are geared directly at my worst nightmares.
In the past few months there were stories about an anaconda which has been stealing goats and small children. The creature was caught by a grandfather trying to stop the animal from digesting his grandson. The appropriate photographs of the school age child were included, as was the grandfather, and the monstorous snake body. I mistakenly believed that anacondas did not eat people, especially not people larger than a grown goat. Thank you for informing me otherwise.
Last week was the story about the crocodile that attacked the State Trooper's vehicle. I was always under the impression that you were safe from crocodiles if you remained inside a locked, and moving, vehicle. Thank you for the enlightenment. Crodociles will attack, disable, and attempt to devour your vehicle on their way to your meaty human flesh. I will sleep better at night.
There have been stories of people stung by scorpions during the middle of an international flight and while in the grocery store shopping for fruit. While I had always believed scorpions to be outdoor creature, not prone to airports or fruitstands, I now know better. I once had to kill a very large and quite deadly scorpion in order to save my dog's life. It was a horrible experience, the crunching and the clawing, the way it would not die - it is one I do not wish to repeat. I shall always be on the alert. The next time I board a plane I will thoroughly check my seat cushions prior to take off so the flight attendant can dispose of any scorpions for me. And I shall abstain from all fruit, maybe I should include all vegetables too.
Then today was the article that brought me back to my child hood fears. It related to a few other stories I recently saw that have yet to leave my conscious thought. They deal with old childhood stories about small insects and other bugs making a home out of your nose, ear, hair, or skin.
There was recently a story of about someone who went to the doctor for a rather unusual skin disturbance. As the doctor poked and prodded the skin it erupted and hundreds of baby spiders made it's way down the obliging incubator's neck. Now, I don't suppose any of the waiting patients remained in their rooms after hearing the multitude of screams and the resulting level of hysteria, but I could be wrong. As you have shown me so recently, I frequently am.
And today, well, today you were kind enough to headline the story about the young boy who heard the crackling noises of a pair of spiders taking a walk through of their new home, his eardrum. Unfortunately the doctor had to irrigate his ear canal to discover the spiders and in the process killed one, and destroyed their home, so you were not actually able to provide the relevant photos with this story.
I would like to thank you, International News Agencies, for bringing back my childhood fears and nightmares. As I had grown and matured I convinced myself these fears were irrational old tales told to scare one another at a sleep over - you have now taken that magical world away for all future children who will have to find more creative and disgusting ways to scare on another at a sleepover, and opened my eyes to the fact that yes, sometimes children are smarter than adults, some adults are just living in a dream world, thinking that disease, fires, wars, and famine are the frightening things in live. While they may be frightening, I fear it is far more likely some spider will appropriate my body while I sleep and months later I will give birth to a litter of mutant spider babies.
Sleep well my friends.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Searching for Something...not a soulmate, not my shoes, but something all the same
So, I've been kind of cooped up for the last few months and during that time life has thrown many a curve ball. I am a fairly easygoing person, and lousy whenever you throw any type of ball at me, so I've continued on my regular path...which means I turn around, flee the dugout, and hit the hottub to contemplate the deeper meaning of the word "curve" in the phrase curve ball.... I mean it's not like the shape of the sphere actually changes so... nevermind
Point is...I adjust and move on.
It looks as though my intended career and my ability to reap the rewards of my years of education and the benefits of a doctoral degree are in the distant future. It's not good. And I must make more adjustments.
Such as, I have decided to return to my creative youth, while retaining my present maturity, and write. I have to say, the computer I am currently using is just about awful for my physical being, and my first assignment is to earn enough money to get myself a new laptop so I can be forever comfortable in the setting of my choice.
I am probably the most voracious reader you will ever meet...or at least ever hear of. I read constantly, multiple books at a time (bad habit), and quickly. I love to read. It relaxes me and excites me, puts me to sleep and keeps me awake. It's the wonder drug. Just adjust the topic or author and you will find the desired benefit.
I want to write about parenting, but I don't know how to start off. I have some excellent ideas. I think I'm going to just start in the middle, and elaborate on life circumstances that have both impressed me and bothered me - my child acknowledging something amazing, other parents' belittling behaviour that as a single action is not abusive yet as a pattern creates severe emotional trauma.
There are so many things that I've come across and written about for myself, situations that I've lived, or helped others through, or just had to remove myself from altogether after acknowledging that such horror exists in this world.
I am not the most learned woman out there, I didn't start the whole parenting thing off on the best foot, I'm not the award winning mother, but I am a great mom who has managed to raise a wonderful, grounded, emotionally mature, intelligent, witty, and amazing girl-child. My daughter is and always will be fantastic. She is the kid (and I say this only because it has happened repeatedly) you want to come over and spend the night, heck the weekend, or make it the week, hoping that her influence will help your child to step it up a notch. She is respectful, clears the table when a guest in your home, uses her napkin, minds her manners, and has been recognized at school for her skills both academically and as a born mediator - she is one who observes and reaches out to assist those in need, calming, mediating, just listening. She is active in the local volunteer agency, studies music, and until her most recent and severe injury from which she is recovering, played sports and has been recognized at the epitome of a true team player.
Yes I am a proud mom. I am proud of her immensly, and when I look at her accomplishments, reflect upon our wonderful and wonderous dynamic, and think of her inner strength and stability, I am proud of myself as well.
And as I glance back up to the heading on this post it makes me realize I'm not actually looking for something, what I have is so wonderful I am fearful of it changing. She is growing and maturing every day. She surprises me in so many ways. She is my inspiration. I wish, I pray, and this is coming from a non-religious person here, I do pray that we may stay who we are, only becoming more fully ourselves while maintaining our dynamic, not because it is the root of envy for other mothers, not because she is far and away the greatest accomplishment I will ever claim, but simply because I love her beyond words, and feel that love returned equally. I do not yet know how to let it go. I can let her grow, but I hope it will not be away from me.
Point is...I adjust and move on.
It looks as though my intended career and my ability to reap the rewards of my years of education and the benefits of a doctoral degree are in the distant future. It's not good. And I must make more adjustments.
Such as, I have decided to return to my creative youth, while retaining my present maturity, and write. I have to say, the computer I am currently using is just about awful for my physical being, and my first assignment is to earn enough money to get myself a new laptop so I can be forever comfortable in the setting of my choice.
I am probably the most voracious reader you will ever meet...or at least ever hear of. I read constantly, multiple books at a time (bad habit), and quickly. I love to read. It relaxes me and excites me, puts me to sleep and keeps me awake. It's the wonder drug. Just adjust the topic or author and you will find the desired benefit.
I want to write about parenting, but I don't know how to start off. I have some excellent ideas. I think I'm going to just start in the middle, and elaborate on life circumstances that have both impressed me and bothered me - my child acknowledging something amazing, other parents' belittling behaviour that as a single action is not abusive yet as a pattern creates severe emotional trauma.
There are so many things that I've come across and written about for myself, situations that I've lived, or helped others through, or just had to remove myself from altogether after acknowledging that such horror exists in this world.
I am not the most learned woman out there, I didn't start the whole parenting thing off on the best foot, I'm not the award winning mother, but I am a great mom who has managed to raise a wonderful, grounded, emotionally mature, intelligent, witty, and amazing girl-child. My daughter is and always will be fantastic. She is the kid (and I say this only because it has happened repeatedly) you want to come over and spend the night, heck the weekend, or make it the week, hoping that her influence will help your child to step it up a notch. She is respectful, clears the table when a guest in your home, uses her napkin, minds her manners, and has been recognized at school for her skills both academically and as a born mediator - she is one who observes and reaches out to assist those in need, calming, mediating, just listening. She is active in the local volunteer agency, studies music, and until her most recent and severe injury from which she is recovering, played sports and has been recognized at the epitome of a true team player.
Yes I am a proud mom. I am proud of her immensly, and when I look at her accomplishments, reflect upon our wonderful and wonderous dynamic, and think of her inner strength and stability, I am proud of myself as well.
And as I glance back up to the heading on this post it makes me realize I'm not actually looking for something, what I have is so wonderful I am fearful of it changing. She is growing and maturing every day. She surprises me in so many ways. She is my inspiration. I wish, I pray, and this is coming from a non-religious person here, I do pray that we may stay who we are, only becoming more fully ourselves while maintaining our dynamic, not because it is the root of envy for other mothers, not because she is far and away the greatest accomplishment I will ever claim, but simply because I love her beyond words, and feel that love returned equally. I do not yet know how to let it go. I can let her grow, but I hope it will not be away from me.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Life is never dull damn it - if you've got one get your ass up and live it!
It's been a few weeks, and yes, you may feel neglected, however, life has been calling me in other directions. It's only now that I feel settled enough to consider jotting down a few words for my two or three (or are those hits just me?) readers...
Big changes afoot!
We shall move once again! For those who know me this is no new song, but quite repetitious and rather worn out...we move far too often, and it is a sad, sad reflection upon the state of my life...however (like you've not heard this before!) this time it's different!!
Before I explain HOW this differs from all the rest, let me give you the cronology of my homes from the time of my child's conception to date... Without thinking this out before hand, my 13 year old thinks we've moved 15 times since her birth. I think it's less than that but wouldn't be surprised if she's right.
Conception and eight months of pregnancy were in a hell whole studio apartment
1. Baby, baby daddy & I came home from the hospital to Mom and Dad's (my age- 20 & 2 days)
2. Not working there, move in to my uncle's spacious 7 room abode
3. Life was not working - lost the hubby, gained some self esteem and moved back to the 'rents.
4. Crazy stalker ex-hub combined with my need for school - move to Chico, CA
5. Worn down and quite ill - work, school, 22 & a toddler in a strange place - back to the 'rents.
6. Need some space - school, work, & kid all good - move in with another mommy roomy
7. Meet man I will marry - move in to small condo 2nd floor of a 3 story complex.
8. Offered a GREAT house super cheap - room for dog, garden, band, etc!!
9. Found out new hubby prefers rockstar dreams & lifestyle to real family - back to 'rents.
10. Love my Mom, but can't live with her - find flat across town.
11. Many crazy neighbors - pitbull attacks, drug raids, and the guy downstairs yells at my kid &
kill my garden...outta there and in to a house near the cute part of town.
12. Substitute QUAINT for CUTE as the house is infested with rats - partial demolition is
required per the exteminator...BRAND new apartment
13. Parents move cross country but don't want to sell...ask me to move to their home...ok
14. Months later, 'rents change their mind...meanwhile reconciled with dreamer ex & get a house 15. Reconciliation was a lapse of sanity...living out my dream for a change...he is a true alky -
move to present home.
So, apparently my kid was right...technically you can't see we've moved 15 times, we started at number one and have moved 14 times since then...but the kidlet's close enough.
Now, for the LAST MOVE EVER! (dear god/dess please make it so!)
Those oh so glorious parents you've seen referred to throughout as my saviours and providers, both family and friend, my past employer and landlord, well, they got rather tired of adjusting their home for us to fit whenever things got bad...and I don't blame them a bit!!!
So, to make sure we couldn't move back (our dog is hated by their dog and it's not a good scene), well, those lovely people were driving home one day when they saw a realtor posting a sale sign on the house next door...so they went over, and after some haggling and wheeling and dealing, they bought the darn thing, and the kid, the dog, and I are about to be the new happy inhabitants!
However - and there is always a however - this house was not just for us, but for the entire family...when someone is in need, this is the home for them. Considering I'm the oldest of four, and one is away at school, one is married and living outside of the US, and one is married with a baby and secure in their job, I thought no worries, no hassles, super cool!!
The brother who is married, with child, and secure in the job apparently is secure in a job that has become distasteful to him, and has been seeking an opportunity to return to his hometown to pursue another degree in another field, and increase the familial connection too. He placed a call to the family - me and the pop, to ask if we would be so kind, and would we mind...
Well, we're super lucky cause that familial connection is about to be multiplied insanely as he, the wife and super-mini kidlet will be staying with us in the new house until they are on their feet and ready for a home of their own in their hometown.
And this my friends, is the ultimate example, on all parts, of what a family is for.
Good night, sleep tight, and please, give your momma a kiss for me, and the pop a hug - or a least an extra-warm handshake!
Big changes afoot!
We shall move once again! For those who know me this is no new song, but quite repetitious and rather worn out...we move far too often, and it is a sad, sad reflection upon the state of my life...however (like you've not heard this before!) this time it's different!!
Before I explain HOW this differs from all the rest, let me give you the cronology of my homes from the time of my child's conception to date... Without thinking this out before hand, my 13 year old thinks we've moved 15 times since her birth. I think it's less than that but wouldn't be surprised if she's right.
Conception and eight months of pregnancy were in a hell whole studio apartment
1. Baby, baby daddy & I came home from the hospital to Mom and Dad's (my age- 20 & 2 days)
2. Not working there, move in to my uncle's spacious 7 room abode
3. Life was not working - lost the hubby, gained some self esteem and moved back to the 'rents.
4. Crazy stalker ex-hub combined with my need for school - move to Chico, CA
5. Worn down and quite ill - work, school, 22 & a toddler in a strange place - back to the 'rents.
6. Need some space - school, work, & kid all good - move in with another mommy roomy
7. Meet man I will marry - move in to small condo 2nd floor of a 3 story complex.
8. Offered a GREAT house super cheap - room for dog, garden, band, etc!!
9. Found out new hubby prefers rockstar dreams & lifestyle to real family - back to 'rents.
10. Love my Mom, but can't live with her - find flat across town.
11. Many crazy neighbors - pitbull attacks, drug raids, and the guy downstairs yells at my kid &
kill my garden...outta there and in to a house near the cute part of town.
12. Substitute QUAINT for CUTE as the house is infested with rats - partial demolition is
required per the exteminator...BRAND new apartment
13. Parents move cross country but don't want to sell...ask me to move to their home...ok
14. Months later, 'rents change their mind...meanwhile reconciled with dreamer ex & get a house 15. Reconciliation was a lapse of sanity...living out my dream for a change...he is a true alky -
move to present home.
So, apparently my kid was right...technically you can't see we've moved 15 times, we started at number one and have moved 14 times since then...but the kidlet's close enough.
Now, for the LAST MOVE EVER! (dear god/dess please make it so!)
Those oh so glorious parents you've seen referred to throughout as my saviours and providers, both family and friend, my past employer and landlord, well, they got rather tired of adjusting their home for us to fit whenever things got bad...and I don't blame them a bit!!!
So, to make sure we couldn't move back (our dog is hated by their dog and it's not a good scene), well, those lovely people were driving home one day when they saw a realtor posting a sale sign on the house next door...so they went over, and after some haggling and wheeling and dealing, they bought the darn thing, and the kid, the dog, and I are about to be the new happy inhabitants!
However - and there is always a however - this house was not just for us, but for the entire family...when someone is in need, this is the home for them. Considering I'm the oldest of four, and one is away at school, one is married and living outside of the US, and one is married with a baby and secure in their job, I thought no worries, no hassles, super cool!!
The brother who is married, with child, and secure in the job apparently is secure in a job that has become distasteful to him, and has been seeking an opportunity to return to his hometown to pursue another degree in another field, and increase the familial connection too. He placed a call to the family - me and the pop, to ask if we would be so kind, and would we mind...
Well, we're super lucky cause that familial connection is about to be multiplied insanely as he, the wife and super-mini kidlet will be staying with us in the new house until they are on their feet and ready for a home of their own in their hometown.
And this my friends, is the ultimate example, on all parts, of what a family is for.
Good night, sleep tight, and please, give your momma a kiss for me, and the pop a hug - or a least an extra-warm handshake!
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