I am so over rehab in any sense of the word!

Thank God I'm done with the Bridge - it was supposed to be the bridge, the pathway to physical well being, but let me say I was far - very far from prepared for my return home. I didn't know what to expect or how to handle coming off so much methadonea & oxy and have been a physical flop...exhausted, achey, tired beyond words but mentally alert and frustrated.

I spent my first week at home with this great little bridge world between reality and fantasy - and let me say that I preferred my fantasy world...it was so much easier, well, probably because it was just an hallucinatory dream world, of course.

I know I never want to return to that world - and here's the hard part. My body is screaming at me to give it something to feel good - I've been on massive - truly massive, the Utah Doc wouldn't refill my Rx cause it was dangerous in his opinion - amounts of methadone and a ton of other drugs, and now I'm on nothing, nothing at all, and all these empty neurotramsitter cell spots are begging - give me something good, something yummy, exciting, thrilling, dangerous, enticing, erotic, illegal, or overload - we need to offset the emptiness with a new high...and I hear them calling and it feels so true and yet I refrain from engaging in conversation as that is one quick path down the road to misery and pain.

Done it. I don't want my physical recovery process to lead me to some sort of addiction issue - and the pull is so strong, and the chemical confusion inside is exactly what turns former legit Rx patients in to hardcore illegal addicts....no thanks.

This internal battle is pretty tiresome too.

And I find I need new things upon which to focus, as I'm still not working.

So - here are a few:

I am returning to school on a full time basis.

I am experiencing and rejoicing in my discovery of Watsu - and considering training if I can figure out how to afford it.

I am applying to school in another country. - OH YEAH - forgot, my super cool mini super genius has decided to applying to boarding school and so will no longer be around for me to mother after this summer...which allows me to move and make choices based solely upon my desires.

And there you have it for today.

Peace.