So, that weekend was a disaster, however the following week I was asked and therefore spent a wonderful lunch just chatting and talking with the local guy and truly enjoying his company. It was nice. Ran in to him at a party that weekend too, nice and brief interaction, and then he left for a the weeklong BM experience. He probably arrived home today, and I'm super excited to hear about his trip and see his pics. I so wanted to go, but it wasn't in my cards for this year....hopefully next I will make it! Seriously - I want to be there.
AND the weekend that he left I took myself on a new little adventure - I made my way out to Harbin Hot Springs for the very first time and fell in love with the healing and peacefulness that place exudes...it was incredible! It was all perfect except for one thing - I had my monthly visitor and so was not comfortable going completely nude, and kept my bottoms on for the day. Next time though!!! I will truly experience it. The other incredible thing was just getting to know some new people who are really nice and friendly, and then discovering that one of them was someone I had met earlier in life - when I was in a bad place with my ex-husband, and he would intentionally show up where I was with some girl or another, and then wait till I had left my seat at the club to dance or mingle or use the bathroom, and then come in, and sit his girly friend down in my chair and start talking with the people I was there with. He had done it too many times, and after a few drinks I lost a little bit of my ladylike decorum and was extremely and exceedingly rude to this new girl, while tying to be decent to my ex-husband as we'd been going through a difficult time and were really iffy between peaceful co-existence and hatefilled interatction - I was continuing to aim for the former.
Anyway, when I got home that night I was totally mortified by my behavior - it had been so extreme and unkind and hateful towards this girl, and I knew she felt it - it was pretty obvious snubbing, biting sarcasm, and just plain rude lack of acknowledgement. And yes, she was sitting on my chair, with my drink, and rather than just tell her to get up, I sat down and sort of shoved her off - not all the way, but most of the way, while I was talking to a friend whom I had purpsefully introduced to everyone but her. I felt awful and was embarassed, but hadn't ever really looked her in the face and therefore would not have been ablel to pick her out of a lineup in the bar and so was unable to track her down to apologize.
Until we were at Harbin and she mentioned something to me about Him. And then I couldn't stop apologizing. She really deserved a bit more, not just from me, but from him too for intentionally putting her in the situation, offering her my seat, and refusing her request that he explain to me that they were nothing but rather distant friends.
OK, I'm tired now, so this is down. Bye!
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Family Frenemies - WTF??
I am sure all of you out there have had some difficulties with various family members at some time or another, I have some incredible siblings whom I love and adore, although we don't have much in common or shared interests...we still make the effort to interact and show our affection, continuing our interactions, and making new memories together as adults.
All of us but one. The one I agreed to have move into the "family home" in which I currently live with my kid, and this brother and his family. This is a home purchased by my parents, in an insanely overpriced area of the country where the majority of the family live. It has been stated the house if for whoever needs it most, but until my daughter is out of high school it is for us. My brother asked if he could stay too and I not only said yes, I offered them the master bedroom, the baby a room, and half the garage to use as his personal music space.
Since the time they've moved in I've done my best to stay out of their way and respect their space, keeping in mind that this is totally temporary and things will be "normal" for me and my family in a few short months - supposed to be weeks but he's already overstayed.
Today however was different - they're housesitting for a few weeks, and are supposed to be away. We had family friends over for a night of games and fun, and this morning the house was clean, put in order, with just recycling to take care of - something I cannot actually do myself as I cannot open the bins due to my arm/shoulder issues.
We were visiting next door when my brother walked through in a rage - not his usual state - when I asked him what was wrong, he blasted me for trashing the house - I said the house has been all picked up, there's only recycling. He was upset and spewed out that there was so much more, and so I went home, with my kid who can open the recycling bins for me, and took a look at what he was saying to take care of it. Basically, the recycling which had been organized in a box and a bag after the party the preceding night. And he was angry that we're having internet issues that started Friday and weren't resolved over the three day weekend (Labor Day - noone called back over the weekend despite my best efforts, and that is not my problem).
At this point my daughter was crying and saying how unhappy she is living with them - a statement she has previously made.
We went inside and he was there - I told him he owed her an apology and he said why - I answered that when he jumped on me, she also took it personally as she was part of what was going on, and she gets upset when people talk to me in the manner in which he did - he said, not his issue, not his problem, and not going to. He just had something to....and then I cut him off with a don't bother, don't care to listen to you anymore, and went to do my laundry.
He was still there when I was done, but I had seen him go in to her and try talking with her So I listened to what he had to say. Basically that he just wanted us all to get along....it went further than that, how he's here to support us etc etc. He has not made a single supportive effort, rather he has told me I'm making the wrong choices and screwing her up...Yeah, I got mad again, the conversation didn't go so well. And then he told me this...
He doesn't talk to me about his life or things going on in his because he 1) has not desire to speak with me or share who he is with me, and 2) doesn't want to listen to me or care about what's going on with my life because 3) he doesn't view me as a friend, but because we're family he cares about me just as he cares about a stranger walking down the street. 4) His way of expressing his "support" is by not telling me what a mess I'm making of being a Mom to my daughter - and also by apparently telling my kid that I shouldn't be making choices for her but that she should be standing up to me and making them for herself. 5) He is pissed at me because I used to tease and, in his view, torment him as a child - however I am seven years older and haven't lived under the same roof as him since he was about ten or eleven. He was also a violent, agressive, pigheaded little kid I didn't really interact with when I was at home. At times he was cute and cuddly and I loved him very much but he was not the kind of kid you could cuddle with - he'd kick you or bite you or something if you tried.
This is the person who asked me if he could move his family in to my home. This is my brother. This is the guy who I not only made room for, but offered up the better rooms to.
Siblings quite often are very different. Decent people make an effort to get along or at least interact with each other. I have tried. There is no further point in attempting to have any sort of relationship with him as he is not interested nor open to having one with me.
I would have to meet his terms and ideas as to who and what I should be, before he could view me as anything different than someone he owes an obligation to - and I am not interested in being someone else just to satisfy some other person - if I were to become that person I would not be me, and if he were to decide that maybe he could recognize me as something more than some random person in this world, worthy of time, attention, and caring and actively supportive interaction, I don't know that I would want it from someone who is so cold and insensitive and selfishly absorbed.
And all of this makes me so incredibly sad. Not only am I stuck sharing a home with this guy, for god knows how long, but he's my brother and I have no idea where he comes from - he told me he'd be fine if he never saw any of his birth family ever again. My Mom and Dad and brother and sister and I are all worth more than this indifference. His heart, despite his peaceful manner and serene appearance and actions, is shut off from love , unable to appreciate the love that flows to him and incapable of giving it in return.
He is full of criticism without constructive input. And it hurts to say that I am no longer interested in interacting with him. That he has truly hurt me with his chosen stance of indifference and uncaring manner. His lack of interest is really rather hurtful, he's my brother. But in a word only, not by action or attempted interaction. He is the same way with my other brother and sister, but he actually makes more of an effort with them, although he still fails to communicate or interact there as well.
I don't like it and I'm not happy. This is false. This is fake. This is not a friendly or healthy environment for me any more. This is so far from what I want, what I had hoped to create. And he is so selfish that he can't see the ripples of his choices. Tension. Discomfort. Lack of genuine positive feelings for family members under the same roof. Feelings of isolation. Living with strangers who are labled family. These are the issues my daughter has raised and we've been discussing for a few months....about as long as we've been sharing a place. She's not happy, I'm not happy, he's selfishly indifferent - so long as the house is clean, his child is taken care of, he has food to eat, an interent connection, and is able to disappear into the garage when he gets home from work, and again after dinner, he's happy. Indifferent to his wife's expressions of exhaustion, the fact that she is rather overwhelmed with a steadily growing and increasingly faster one year old, and that she needs his help and freely offered support in order for her to relax, retain her sanity, and be able to stop calling the baby a brat - which is totally inappropriate and drives me insane! I can't even be in the same room with her once she starts griping about how much the baby is driving her crazy and how he's acting like a little brat.
I think I've got my rant out. Dear Lord I hope I've gotten it out for now. I'm not quite sure what I can do, but I hope it comes to me soon. He mentioned being here through Thanksgiving and Christmas, but not after that, so I hope that means they'll be leaving then, and I hope I can last that long. I hate moving, and he has already crossed lines that have been the impetus for former moves. I just don't want to do it again. But this family frenemy stuff is bullshit.
All of us but one. The one I agreed to have move into the "family home" in which I currently live with my kid, and this brother and his family. This is a home purchased by my parents, in an insanely overpriced area of the country where the majority of the family live. It has been stated the house if for whoever needs it most, but until my daughter is out of high school it is for us. My brother asked if he could stay too and I not only said yes, I offered them the master bedroom, the baby a room, and half the garage to use as his personal music space.
Since the time they've moved in I've done my best to stay out of their way and respect their space, keeping in mind that this is totally temporary and things will be "normal" for me and my family in a few short months - supposed to be weeks but he's already overstayed.
Today however was different - they're housesitting for a few weeks, and are supposed to be away. We had family friends over for a night of games and fun, and this morning the house was clean, put in order, with just recycling to take care of - something I cannot actually do myself as I cannot open the bins due to my arm/shoulder issues.
We were visiting next door when my brother walked through in a rage - not his usual state - when I asked him what was wrong, he blasted me for trashing the house - I said the house has been all picked up, there's only recycling. He was upset and spewed out that there was so much more, and so I went home, with my kid who can open the recycling bins for me, and took a look at what he was saying to take care of it. Basically, the recycling which had been organized in a box and a bag after the party the preceding night. And he was angry that we're having internet issues that started Friday and weren't resolved over the three day weekend (Labor Day - noone called back over the weekend despite my best efforts, and that is not my problem).
At this point my daughter was crying and saying how unhappy she is living with them - a statement she has previously made.
We went inside and he was there - I told him he owed her an apology and he said why - I answered that when he jumped on me, she also took it personally as she was part of what was going on, and she gets upset when people talk to me in the manner in which he did - he said, not his issue, not his problem, and not going to. He just had something to....and then I cut him off with a don't bother, don't care to listen to you anymore, and went to do my laundry.
He was still there when I was done, but I had seen him go in to her and try talking with her So I listened to what he had to say. Basically that he just wanted us all to get along....it went further than that, how he's here to support us etc etc. He has not made a single supportive effort, rather he has told me I'm making the wrong choices and screwing her up...Yeah, I got mad again, the conversation didn't go so well. And then he told me this...
He doesn't talk to me about his life or things going on in his because he 1) has not desire to speak with me or share who he is with me, and 2) doesn't want to listen to me or care about what's going on with my life because 3) he doesn't view me as a friend, but because we're family he cares about me just as he cares about a stranger walking down the street. 4) His way of expressing his "support" is by not telling me what a mess I'm making of being a Mom to my daughter - and also by apparently telling my kid that I shouldn't be making choices for her but that she should be standing up to me and making them for herself. 5) He is pissed at me because I used to tease and, in his view, torment him as a child - however I am seven years older and haven't lived under the same roof as him since he was about ten or eleven. He was also a violent, agressive, pigheaded little kid I didn't really interact with when I was at home. At times he was cute and cuddly and I loved him very much but he was not the kind of kid you could cuddle with - he'd kick you or bite you or something if you tried.
This is the person who asked me if he could move his family in to my home. This is my brother. This is the guy who I not only made room for, but offered up the better rooms to.
Siblings quite often are very different. Decent people make an effort to get along or at least interact with each other. I have tried. There is no further point in attempting to have any sort of relationship with him as he is not interested nor open to having one with me.
I would have to meet his terms and ideas as to who and what I should be, before he could view me as anything different than someone he owes an obligation to - and I am not interested in being someone else just to satisfy some other person - if I were to become that person I would not be me, and if he were to decide that maybe he could recognize me as something more than some random person in this world, worthy of time, attention, and caring and actively supportive interaction, I don't know that I would want it from someone who is so cold and insensitive and selfishly absorbed.
And all of this makes me so incredibly sad. Not only am I stuck sharing a home with this guy, for god knows how long, but he's my brother and I have no idea where he comes from - he told me he'd be fine if he never saw any of his birth family ever again. My Mom and Dad and brother and sister and I are all worth more than this indifference. His heart, despite his peaceful manner and serene appearance and actions, is shut off from love , unable to appreciate the love that flows to him and incapable of giving it in return.
He is full of criticism without constructive input. And it hurts to say that I am no longer interested in interacting with him. That he has truly hurt me with his chosen stance of indifference and uncaring manner. His lack of interest is really rather hurtful, he's my brother. But in a word only, not by action or attempted interaction. He is the same way with my other brother and sister, but he actually makes more of an effort with them, although he still fails to communicate or interact there as well.
I don't like it and I'm not happy. This is false. This is fake. This is not a friendly or healthy environment for me any more. This is so far from what I want, what I had hoped to create. And he is so selfish that he can't see the ripples of his choices. Tension. Discomfort. Lack of genuine positive feelings for family members under the same roof. Feelings of isolation. Living with strangers who are labled family. These are the issues my daughter has raised and we've been discussing for a few months....about as long as we've been sharing a place. She's not happy, I'm not happy, he's selfishly indifferent - so long as the house is clean, his child is taken care of, he has food to eat, an interent connection, and is able to disappear into the garage when he gets home from work, and again after dinner, he's happy. Indifferent to his wife's expressions of exhaustion, the fact that she is rather overwhelmed with a steadily growing and increasingly faster one year old, and that she needs his help and freely offered support in order for her to relax, retain her sanity, and be able to stop calling the baby a brat - which is totally inappropriate and drives me insane! I can't even be in the same room with her once she starts griping about how much the baby is driving her crazy and how he's acting like a little brat.
I think I've got my rant out. Dear Lord I hope I've gotten it out for now. I'm not quite sure what I can do, but I hope it comes to me soon. He mentioned being here through Thanksgiving and Christmas, but not after that, so I hope that means they'll be leaving then, and I hope I can last that long. I hate moving, and he has already crossed lines that have been the impetus for former moves. I just don't want to do it again. But this family frenemy stuff is bullshit.
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