Searching for Something...not a soulmate, not my shoes, but something all the same

So, I've been kind of cooped up for the last few months and during that time life has thrown many a curve ball. I am a fairly easygoing person, and lousy whenever you throw any type of ball at me, so I've continued on my regular path...which means I turn around, flee the dugout, and hit the hottub to contemplate the deeper meaning of the word "curve" in the phrase curve ball.... I mean it's not like the shape of the sphere actually changes so... nevermind

Point is...I adjust and move on.

It looks as though my intended career and my ability to reap the rewards of my years of education and the benefits of a doctoral degree are in the distant future. It's not good. And I must make more adjustments.

Such as, I have decided to return to my creative youth, while retaining my present maturity, and write. I have to say, the computer I am currently using is just about awful for my physical being, and my first assignment is to earn enough money to get myself a new laptop so I can be forever comfortable in the setting of my choice.

I am probably the most voracious reader you will ever meet...or at least ever hear of. I read constantly, multiple books at a time (bad habit), and quickly. I love to read. It relaxes me and excites me, puts me to sleep and keeps me awake. It's the wonder drug. Just adjust the topic or author and you will find the desired benefit.

I want to write about parenting, but I don't know how to start off. I have some excellent ideas. I think I'm going to just start in the middle, and elaborate on life circumstances that have both impressed me and bothered me - my child acknowledging something amazing, other parents' belittling behaviour that as a single action is not abusive yet as a pattern creates severe emotional trauma.


There are so many things that I've come across and written about for myself, situations that I've lived, or helped others through, or just had to remove myself from altogether after acknowledging that such horror exists in this world.

I am not the most learned woman out there, I didn't start the whole parenting thing off on the best foot, I'm not the award winning mother, but I am a great mom who has managed to raise a wonderful, grounded, emotionally mature, intelligent, witty, and amazing girl-child. My daughter is and always will be fantastic. She is the kid (and I say this only because it has happened repeatedly) you want to come over and spend the night, heck the weekend, or make it the week, hoping that her influence will help your child to step it up a notch. She is respectful, clears the table when a guest in your home, uses her napkin, minds her manners, and has been recognized at school for her skills both academically and as a born mediator - she is one who observes and reaches out to assist those in need, calming, mediating, just listening. She is active in the local volunteer agency, studies music, and until her most recent and severe injury from which she is recovering, played sports and has been recognized at the epitome of a true team player.

Yes I am a proud mom. I am proud of her immensly, and when I look at her accomplishments, reflect upon our wonderful and wonderous dynamic, and think of her inner strength and stability, I am proud of myself as well.

And as I glance back up to the heading on this post it makes me realize I'm not actually looking for something, what I have is so wonderful I am fearful of it changing. She is growing and maturing every day. She surprises me in so many ways. She is my inspiration. I wish, I pray, and this is coming from a non-religious person here, I do pray that we may stay who we are, only becoming more fully ourselves while maintaining our dynamic, not because it is the root of envy for other mothers, not because she is far and away the greatest accomplishment I will ever claim, but simply because I love her beyond words, and feel that love returned equally. I do not yet know how to let it go. I can let her grow, but I hope it will not be away from me.