So, (you should have read the post immediately below this one first!) as it happens, I tried to decide and then the world jumped on my ass - and in overdrive!
I went out for what I was under the impression was going to be a one on one dinner the other night, but then a repeat self-inviting house guest was unable to take a clue, and was sitting at the table, waiting to greet me as I walked in. Nice. I know it was a rare occasion, I wrote that meaning his being in town, but our dinner was too, and I know they're close, and honestly I should have just said, hey some time when you're totally free, but I'd met the guy the week before and hadn't minded his presence, and all in all it was probably good he was there as I was more relaxed than I would have been without him. Low key, low stress, lots of laughter.
So, that's cool, and then we talk about doing it again, which I'm totally looking forward to, and the next morning as I'm talking to my sister's best friend (again, immediately preceding post please!) it comes up that the cutie from out of state is coming back during the week, and staying for half the weekend. I invited everyone up to our town for dinner and drinks and such, and then realized that I was hoping to have time with the second guy.
As it turns out I overbooked myself by having set tentative plans with the two men I am most intrested in - for the same time frame! And well, life always has a way of working things out...and everything, absolutely everything fell through for me. Not just on the night in question, but almost like the World was trying to prove a point, and everything I had set for the entire weekend was lost in the universe the moment I verbalized my intentions. I did not do a thing, except for last minute totally unrelated things and the last one of those ended up badly - now my entire chest, down to nearly nipple, shoulders, upper back, and upper and inner thighs are burning, flaming REDand it's too hot to sleep, I'm too sore to move, and to uncomfortable to do anything at all. I have the fan running with two windows open, no top, a very light sheet to protect me from the very cold air, and I'm miserable. AND, I've even taken methadone trying to cut the edge of this shit!
So, I didn't get to see my Seattle writer, and I didn't get to see this local guy either. And I've had introspection forced upon me when I had already chosen intimacy. However, that was probably good, because I realized something. Regardless of what does or does not happen with the guy down here, the reasonable relationship one, I already know something.
First, yes I am most definitely attracted to him. Mentally, spiritually, and definitely physcally.
Second, there really aren't many people I can say that about. Drop the physical part, there are few people in this world I find to be both mentallly and spiritually attractive, whose presence I crave for the stimulating conversation, peaceful sense of self, and open, interested eyes.
Third, when I manage to find someone that fits #2, above, I know better than to just fuck around. That does not mean that I want a relationship or commitment or something, it does mean that I would love a deep friendship - that I know this is a person I respect and admire, someone whom I appreciate, and that it is wonderful to have as many people like that as possible, floating around, flitting in and out, but always caring for and about you and your life.
Fourth - I could be more than happy with a strict friendship, so long as it was a close friendship. I might want more right now, crave his touch, even when he's just brushing against my arm or thigh while he sits next to me, but even more so the hugs and holds and gentle kisses - on the cheek, mind you, so far, on the cheek...
Fifth - all of that makes me nervous all over again. It brings me back to a place I'm not use to, and not entirely comfortable with...I have something to lose here. I have a stake in the game, and I feel vulnerable. Not really liking that bit at all!!
AAAHHHHHCCCCKKKKK! So, there you go. Now, I shall go to sleep, and while I may post this first, I will edit it another day! Sleep tight!
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