Mommyhood - and shit

It's not too often I get reflective about parenting, but this morning, while driving my kid to school, I started thinking about my relationship with her father. Not a pleasant one.

I got pregnant and married at nineteen. If you do one, don't do the other. Please. Life will be a lot easier for you. I was divorced before I was 21. What a way to start adulthood. That's the kind of description you're supposed to read about some 50 year old housewife married, a mother, no education or career, and now starting life over on her own .

It has not been an easy path. Relationships have been difficult - needy men versus my need to be a mother, getting through school has taken decades (ok, maybe just one), and oh yeah, regular every day life stuff too. One of the harder aspects of it all has been watching my nuckleheaded ex-husband fail to make an effort at fatherhood, and my child try to incorporate his ongoing rejection and indifference in to her life. He's such a failure, in general, that he doesn't realize his lack of involvement impacts his offspring. It does.

We fight. No, not so much, not after I learned how to just hang up a phone, or stay on the phone but not acknowledging the attempted detours and desperate deviations on the other end when matters like custody and support come up. What the hell, honestly, those don't just come up - they're the only the I have to talk about with him. Q. When are you actually going to show up? When did you send in a check? A Maybe in another week or two, and like on a Sunday, like around 1 or 2 and she'll be home by 3. Check, uh, yeah, I don't use checks anymore and the DA won't accept cash so I don't think I can pay support. We need to get it worked out at court, so you won't see anything for a while. This is your fault you know, if you didn't make me pay the DA I could just give you cash and I'd never be late or behind or anything but just cause I missed a few years you made the court take it over. You suck you know.

Seriously - these are the responses I get. No I just say, well thanks for letting me know, or, oh, well that's an interesting take on the situation. But I digress - better I do it here than on the phone.

My child's happiness is my utmost priority. I am in a state where I am trying to do everything I can for her, allow freedoms and yet push when needed, while providing unconditional support and love. Greatest most easy going Kid, ever. The Dad continues to make things difficult. Lies to The Kid, lies to me, gets caught by The Kid and lies some more - never fails to disappoint. And that's not just my take - I have to reign in The Kid and the honest yet unfortunate paternal observations - sad little jokes - such as - Dad said he'd be here by 10 on Saturday - I"ll bet you 20 bucks he calls at least twice to change it, won't show up to 1 on Sunday....or Dad said (fill in any sort of obligation here) followed by a genuine burst of laughter and confusion on everybody else's behalf and then the honest answer - he's a compulsive liar, and doesn't even realize it.

No child should have to life with a lack of respect for and a lack of love from a parent. Ever. Especially now when they're still growing and learning how to define relationships - shaping the world within their heart and learning how love feels within their truth. It's not fair. More, even, it's not right. That is an ultimate injustice - what innocent deserves rejection from those who should teach them strength, teach them love, teach them how to live?

Part of the problem is that being so young, you don't know how to put in to practice what you haven't experienced yet. Being so young, you feel mature, but you're a baby adult - you don't know how to be vulnerable, how to be responsible in a world beyond basic education, you don't know how to evaluate another's future potential beyond levels of attraction and entertainment, and you don't know that you don't know this. Ignorance is a heavily wielded weapon.

I am approaching 15 years later. Fifteen years of dealing with this guy - and let me tell you something I failed to appreciate all those years ago - he's a diagnosed sociopath - he is only capable of viewing the world and other people in ways that affect him, he truly cannot relate to any one on any level. Fifteen years of his selfishness, cruelty, and rejection thrown at my kid, and yesterday there was a bit of a breakthrough. Of sorts.

See, he was really dumb and went and got some other girl pregnant and had another kid. Now they're not together and fighting all the time. Comparatively I'm a saint - understanding, not argumentative - forget comparatively, I am a saint - understanding, not argumentative, focused on the problem in front of me and not the past, things like that. He finally acknowledged it. I tried to let this girl know, years ago when she was insecure in their relationship and thought I 'wanted him" - he's a disgusting person with no sense of responsibilty as - person or as a parent. The Kid was only about 10, and he was nearing $30,000 in past due child support...I can't stand looking at him - now, partially cause it reminds me what a terrible judge of character I was, partially because he exudes smarm and oozes this oilly energy - like a psychic soulsucker.