finally, a first in my thirties...

i have never had a crush on a friend like i do on him. he literally makes my heart beat faster and i feel a little giddy when he shows up. this is so lame. he's one of the more thoughtful and interesting guys i've ever met. and after dinner, when he had to leave i was talking with a friend about how damn attractive he is and she said something about it nagging at her, wondering what he'd be like in bed, and i honestly haven't ever been consumed with that - instead i'm just stuck on any form of skin to skin contact and it drives me nuts that he kisses me on the lips when he sees me!!!! like, crazy nuts. i want to really kiss him back instead of the chaste close lipped kiss that's offered along with a deep and intimate hug. and so when i'm seated and he's passing out hugs i o stay seated so minimize whatever crazy making abilities he has over me. but then he keeps coming back, to give me a real, better, hug and a kiss at my level. AND...

I don't want to date him. ever. not ever. he has a terrible track record and is not in to commitment and doesn't hang out with ex's that he was serious about and can date someone for ages without ever feeling like he's made that transition in to boyfriend - which is kind of the point of ongoing long term dating, isn't it?? and he's such a solitary guy that i don't think he'll ever live with a girl. like, ever, never. i've done the guy consumed with privacy and not comfortable with people knowing we're together and quite honestly find that insulting and restrictive - if i'm happy i should be free to share the source of that with those who care about me - friends, family, whatever.... that's the real issue - i'm happy living by myself, prefer it in many ways, but don't want to rule out the possibility of ever living with someone i love.

anyway - just thought i'd tell you how ridiculous i feel having a crush on my friend. and how weird it is that this is the first time that has ever happened to me. ever. that i can think of - i've had crushes before and on people i know - obviously, but not someone i would call a good friend. not someone where i have to keep a conscious thought about not crossing over the line when we're touching or cuddling or whatever... not someone where i have to make sure i don't drink too much as i know i'd do something inappropriate. and not someone where i am actually worried that crossing that invisible barrier would be bad for our friendship. i've never had a crush on someone i care about to this extent. and he means a lot to me. i cherish the friendship - even without the attraction.

i thought i was too old for firsts.