Oh, what did I get myself in to?

So, I've accepted at a school half way around the world - there is a nine hour time difference to be precise, so it may not be exactly half way but it's pretty darn close.

And I've found a smokin' apartment...and signed a lease though I have yet to see the place...and have been paying rent...

And then I find my funding was cut, not in half, not even a third, but in fact I will be getting less than 1/7 of what I was expecting - and the calculations I was assured were correct were in fact thrown out the window....which is something Prague does to those unlikable leaders...in days past that is. Defenestration I beleive it is called. Something I am more than willing to revisit considering my present circumstances.

I am moving in 44 days to a country I've never been to, bringing my teenager with me, don't have the funds to pay our tutition, and won't have an answer on our visas for about another month. I have one way tickets in to Europe - which apparently require that we have valid visas or they will deny our entry. I feel totally screwed.

I know noone there. I don't speak the language. The dollar is dropping like mad so that crazy beautiful cheap apartment is still crazy beautiful but rapidly raising in rent....like crazy. In the past month I've had the rent raise more than I've ever had a landlord raise my rent here...and nothing has happened other than our economy seriously tanking.

WHAT, PLEASE TELL ME, WHAT WAS I THINKING?????

I am so over rehab in any sense of the word!

Thank God I'm done with the Bridge - it was supposed to be the bridge, the pathway to physical well being, but let me say I was far - very far from prepared for my return home. I didn't know what to expect or how to handle coming off so much methadonea & oxy and have been a physical flop...exhausted, achey, tired beyond words but mentally alert and frustrated.

I spent my first week at home with this great little bridge world between reality and fantasy - and let me say that I preferred my fantasy world...it was so much easier, well, probably because it was just an hallucinatory dream world, of course.

I know I never want to return to that world - and here's the hard part. My body is screaming at me to give it something to feel good - I've been on massive - truly massive, the Utah Doc wouldn't refill my Rx cause it was dangerous in his opinion - amounts of methadone and a ton of other drugs, and now I'm on nothing, nothing at all, and all these empty neurotramsitter cell spots are begging - give me something good, something yummy, exciting, thrilling, dangerous, enticing, erotic, illegal, or overload - we need to offset the emptiness with a new high...and I hear them calling and it feels so true and yet I refrain from engaging in conversation as that is one quick path down the road to misery and pain.

Done it. I don't want my physical recovery process to lead me to some sort of addiction issue - and the pull is so strong, and the chemical confusion inside is exactly what turns former legit Rx patients in to hardcore illegal addicts....no thanks.

This internal battle is pretty tiresome too.

And I find I need new things upon which to focus, as I'm still not working.

So - here are a few:

I am returning to school on a full time basis.

I am experiencing and rejoicing in my discovery of Watsu - and considering training if I can figure out how to afford it.

I am applying to school in another country. - OH YEAH - forgot, my super cool mini super genius has decided to applying to boarding school and so will no longer be around for me to mother after this summer...which allows me to move and make choices based solely upon my desires.

And there you have it for today.

Peace.