a manly debate

I've had reason to have a conversation recently about my views on dating. They're rather bleak. To sum it up - I don't.

I've been asked why not and have a number of pat responses... no time, no one interests me, not my focal point as I have such a short period of time with my daughter, etc...

However, upon honest reflection, I would like a rewarding and fulfilling relationship that is able to be supportive and respectful of the priority I place upon the Kidlet and allows all parties to be free and secure in this dynamic. Damn that sounds dry!!

I also think if I met someone I found attractive and desirable my non-dating status would fly out the window.

And now I'm here, on the other side of the world and finding that I am attractive and desirable to a wider range of men than I realized. And I'm enjoying it. I have male friends who want to be more than just friends and I don't know what to say to that. It's rather new. I have close male friends, many close male friends, but they're platonic friends. These don't really want to be.

And rather than getting swept up in the rather complimentary attention I find that I am taking a step back and evaluating myself and them... and trying to see if there's some future potential or if it's a passing fancy. I'm coming up with passing fancy.

Which means, that's not dating. That's transitory from the get-go with no intention of a relationship or even a relationship-like dynamic.

I'm also discovering that may be exactly what I need in my life.

My super duper cold

I've been sick with a head cold for weeks now. It's been driving me bonkers, but I've been muddling through (seriously, muddling is the most appropriate word I can think of right now) hoping it would go away.

It hasn't. I've tried 4 different kinds of cold medicine hoping for some sort of relief. Anything to stop the runny, sneezy nose and sore throat, and give me a clear head. Nothing until Monday night. A friend brought me back some Nyquil from Canada and I found some Cold-RX which at least stops the sniffles. Which is good because it was Sunday night that I gave up hope.

You see, Sunday night I went out with some new friends. And I obviously had a cold - I mentioned it's lasting for EVER, and the guy (he's been here 9 years) said, 'yeah, most people get it, and it's your body adjusting to the new germs here.' He had it when he first came, and it lasted for 3 years. My boss at the adult school has had it for 2 years - and I've already mentioned that it seems like everyone here is sick all the time. I guess I've joined them, rank and file.

Which is not the way I wanted to be included, thank you very much. I would have preferred to be embraced by one and all rather than have everyone avoid me as I'm the newest victim of the plague.

And Coral is fine.

It's supposed to snow on Thursday. And it's raining today.

P.S. - Mom - I got your package Monday - thank you so much for the chicken noodle soup (and everything else)! I was going to say you have no idea how timely it is, but if you're reading this far down my post I assume you do! I love you!!

Thoughts on Fakies

Ok, that may not be the most apt title I could come up with, but it suffices. I have really thought about this, quite a bit, and am totally serious when I say....

I believe that women with unnaturally large breast implants should not be allowed to have children.

I'm sure that seems a little odd, but I'm thinking of extending the statement to include women with enormous amounts of collagen or any other cosmetic procedure that results in an appearance that is other than natural - you know, lips that take up 1/3 of your face, or cheekbones that are so angular they extend beyond the brow line or are even with your ears, breasts that are triple, quadruple the size of your waist (not taking in to account health issues - we're talking about implants only right now), ribs that have been removed to give an exaggerated hour glass effect - and it works cause you wonder how the girl gets anything larger than a grain of sand down her gullet...

Why, you ask, why, why , why do I have such an extreme view on this???

Good question, I answer.

The perpetuation of an artificial ideal is an abhorrence to me - that a woman is free to choose what she does with her body should be a given - but there should be a choice defined. Choosing drastic plastic surgery in order to achieve a personal version of ideal that has no bearing on a realistic or natural state of the female body should be a choice not only to undergo the procedure but also to forfeit the right to bear - or adopt - children.

It is unfair to force an innocent child to enter a world where their primary focus for so many years of their life, the standard by which they learn to judge the rest of the world and through which they learn about themselves, that that standard should be removed from any basis in reality is wrong.

A little girl should not be allowed to believe that a surgically enhanced caricature of the female body is the norm... there is no way a child growing up within that standard could ever possibly be satisfied with their own physical development - and affirmation for a young girl's body is unlikely to flow from a woman who feels the need to make a mockery of her own physique.

How unfair to the daughters... and the boys - what an unrealistic expectation you are breeding in them! What standard are you setting - that they should expect the female body to be contorted in to a spectacle rather than learn to appreciate a woman for who and how she is - they're deprived of a woman as a role model who has learned to be comfortable with her self, with a reality based physique, with who she is in relation to her body. They are deprived of a woman who can mother them who has learned to accept herself for who she truly is, and can encourage her son to not only accept himself, but to value his partner for substance over shape.

No, I'm not talking about a nose job or a lift or a little nip or tuck here, I'm talking about naturally skinny, smaller breasted women becoming Dolly Parton or bigger... the over the top porn star look... the lips that have been inflated beyond the trout pout and have become a caricature of a cartoon fish... the waist that is so small that two hands can encircle it, touching at the knuckles... this is not referring to any sort of corrective procedure, or a smoothing out, or refining process, but to those types of major undertakings that you see on the street or in a photo and wonder - why? What compelled her? How unhappy, how empty, how shallow, how insecure, how needy, how oblivious, how white bread, how easily swayed by the media, how come???

My Negelct and Ultimate Return

Ah, yes, gentle readers.... if there are any left, I have neglected you in favor or my other blog, detailing the joint adventure of an international move with my teenager...

It's a little more exciting than these mere musings on motherhood.

And yet, that blog is followed by friends and family interested in the details and daily happenings... and this one is my purely personal outlet. And after much consideration it is about to become even more personal as I delve in to the political... and risk alienating you or two who have paused for a momentary breather.

Be warned... I'm letting you know. I have thoughts and feelings, not just on parenting, but on life and the state of the union and love and the purpose in being and compassion for my fellow man.

You're about to get a double dose. Along with a taste of my contempt for my daughter's father... that know-nothing nuisance.

Be well. Be waiting. Be wary. But most of all, be back.

Yet another...

This was far from a surprise, but my sister and my nephew just left. They went back to their home, a multi-hour drive away. My nephew is about 7 1/2 months old and beautiful! He's walking around tables (holding on of course), teething, and babbling away in that endearing little bubbly baby way.

I probably won't see them for at least another year. I know that, I'm not sure they realize it may be that long before I get home. Probably longer. My concern is with getting my Kidlet back and forth to see her friends and family, that outweighs my occasional trip home. That's part of the reason last night was so hard - I don't know how long it will be before I'll see my friends again - and when I make it back I don't know if they'll still be here.

My sister finally lives in the same state as me after years and years cross country and abroad - and I'm leaving. And I was so excited she's (relatively) local - and that I'd get to be a semi-regular part of her life again.

And now, not only is that no longer true, but I'm going to miss out on seeing her firstborn walk and talk and learn how to eat and make messes and explore the world around us.

And that seriously bums me out.

Goodbye again

I went out late for a few hours... I usually head out on Saturday nights. Quite often the same group of friends gather to drink and laugh and be. Some of them were there tonight, and when I finally came home I felt like crying. I am really going to miss my friends. Drinking friends, shopping friends, substantial friends - all of them, I'm going to miss the lawn gnome that pops in every now and then, the Jamacian guy whose name I don't know but always wants to dance with me, the understated dude I just found out I was on a swim team with as a kid who sold me beer for my birthday trip to the races, the woman who has so many friends in common with me but who I don't really know yet I see her dancing up a storm every weekend, and the waitresses who are always so friendly - hell, I'll even miss the waiter who can never get your order right - or on time. These are the trivial people. There are so many more I will miss so much more. And I still feel like crying.

I know an adventure awaits me. I just wish I didn't have to wait for it any longer.

My friend's film - THE COMMUNE

So I have a childhood friend - I thought I'd known her since we were 5 but my Mom recently informed me we were friends even before kindergarten - apparently we met in ballet class when we were 4 and hit it off then.

We don't live near each other and fell out of contact for a while - yet we've mirrored each other in odd way - interests being one of them. She took filmmaking and writing way further than I have and has just completed her first feature length film. Here's a snippet - you can youtube for more. (yes - that was youtube as a verb).

Moving Violations

So finances are pretty damn tight right now. The lump of money I was expecting - to pay for my international move and tuition for my and Kidlet - was cut down to a mere 1/7...leaving me in a bit of a clinch.

Tonight is my birthday dinner with my friends. I've been rather stressed out about it as the group of friends is expanding in rather unexpected directions - more fringies than those heartfelt few...and I guess I got distracted while I was driving. Sitting and stressing about how everyone will get along and where people should be seated...

And so.... In my residential neighborhood I got pulled over.

And got a ticket. Failure to make a complete stop at the stop sign.

And now I have to pay the fine.

With the money that doesn't exist.

And it will cut in to my moving funds.

And it basically SUCKS.

Happy Birthday to me... Cue music.

Heroes... not the tv show

I was jumping around recently, following link to link in a rather incoherent fashion when I stopped on something that really spoke to me - a site about Heroes and the companion blog .

It looked like the concept of Hero was more targeted at men - the idea that men can find a hero not focused in violence or aggression, which is so true and worthy of reinforcement - but what got me is the true lack of mainstream heroes in the media.

I thought about my heroes, the ones I have listed in my myspace...

and this is what I have:

My Mom and Dad,for the outstanding example of how wonderful love can be,
my Sister for her courage and indefatigable attitude,
my young brother for his grace, awareness, and truth,
and my daughter for her intelligence and inner strength and growing awareness of her personal power and what it means to be a woman.

Those I have admiration for: Ghandi, Salah al Din, Jane Austen, Rosa Parks, MLK Jr., my childhood friend Lis, my super hot creative philosophical friend, my cousin Will, genius physicians, those who start up all those NGOs we never hear about yet make the most positive impact for the people whose plights we never hear of, Tesla, the Lumiere brothers, and any number of authors and filmmakers and survivors and innovators whose identities are stashed in the back of my head.

And those are true. My heroes are not steeped in violence or aggression, they are not all widely known or notorious, they are not the pop culture pop tarts our young girls idealize and then idolize, my heroes are those I've known personally who have created more than what was expected, they are the ones who stepped oustide the boundaries of their societies to offer something new and worthy and lasting, they are those who showed strength in merely being - without confrontation or agression, with confidence and faith. My heroes are innovators and survivors and your next door neighbor.

I am a hero to others as well.

Each of us have it within ourselves to be something more or something other than whatever label may have been assigned to you yesterday. You're not merely mothers or employees or actors or writers or masseuses or homeless or beaten or broken or survivors... you are many facets of many things rolled up in to one magnificent thinking breathing being.

And we can each take the time to slow down and be peaceful and respectful and thoughtful and gentle and remember it may not be your own child, it may be the one next door, or the one in the grocery store, or the kid making change at the movie theater, but with decency and genuine interaction we can be a hero to another in our daily life.

Peace.

finally, a first in my thirties...

i have never had a crush on a friend like i do on him. he literally makes my heart beat faster and i feel a little giddy when he shows up. this is so lame. he's one of the more thoughtful and interesting guys i've ever met. and after dinner, when he had to leave i was talking with a friend about how damn attractive he is and she said something about it nagging at her, wondering what he'd be like in bed, and i honestly haven't ever been consumed with that - instead i'm just stuck on any form of skin to skin contact and it drives me nuts that he kisses me on the lips when he sees me!!!! like, crazy nuts. i want to really kiss him back instead of the chaste close lipped kiss that's offered along with a deep and intimate hug. and so when i'm seated and he's passing out hugs i o stay seated so minimize whatever crazy making abilities he has over me. but then he keeps coming back, to give me a real, better, hug and a kiss at my level. AND...

I don't want to date him. ever. not ever. he has a terrible track record and is not in to commitment and doesn't hang out with ex's that he was serious about and can date someone for ages without ever feeling like he's made that transition in to boyfriend - which is kind of the point of ongoing long term dating, isn't it?? and he's such a solitary guy that i don't think he'll ever live with a girl. like, ever, never. i've done the guy consumed with privacy and not comfortable with people knowing we're together and quite honestly find that insulting and restrictive - if i'm happy i should be free to share the source of that with those who care about me - friends, family, whatever.... that's the real issue - i'm happy living by myself, prefer it in many ways, but don't want to rule out the possibility of ever living with someone i love.

anyway - just thought i'd tell you how ridiculous i feel having a crush on my friend. and how weird it is that this is the first time that has ever happened to me. ever. that i can think of - i've had crushes before and on people i know - obviously, but not someone i would call a good friend. not someone where i have to keep a conscious thought about not crossing over the line when we're touching or cuddling or whatever... not someone where i have to make sure i don't drink too much as i know i'd do something inappropriate. and not someone where i am actually worried that crossing that invisible barrier would be bad for our friendship. i've never had a crush on someone i care about to this extent. and he means a lot to me. i cherish the friendship - even without the attraction.

i thought i was too old for firsts.

California On Fire

For almost a month now the sky has been a hazy white - it's the smoke from all of the wildfires. There have been less than a week's worth of blue sky, and not a cloud out there either. It's the gross toxic haze left over from Mendocino, Butte, Tahoe, Santa Cruz, Monterey, etc... They're all ablaze and none too far away.

An article on cnn.com said that over the past 3 weeks nearly 1,200 square miles have burned up in this great state. Crazy huh? What's even crazier, is that Rhode Island, the STATE of Rhode Island, isn't even 1,200 square miles. California is so big we've burned up a portion of our state larger than Rhode Island, and only lost about 100 homes! WTF!!! If Rhode Island suddenly burst into flames after a crazy lightening storms I can guarantee they'd lose more than 100 homes.

OUR FIREFIGHTERS ROCK!!!

Not only are they the super brave modern super heros - they're overwrought and exhausted, physically drained, emotionally spent humans who have been relentless with their work on a non-stop basis for days on end.

Thank you.

Seperations

Something happened recently. Someone I love dearly told me they were seperating. My heart felt like breaking yet I refrained from expressing emotion due to the greater circumstances

In the aftermath I've thought about a bit -

One - how weird it was to not reach out and touch them, provide comfort to someone I love. How uncomfortable that made me.

Two - how different my reaction was when my brother had told me he and his girlfriend had broken up...I wanted to kill the bitch for cheating on him.

Three - how I felt when I was a new mother and had processed that my husband was actively looking for someone else...the extent of his activites remain unknown to me 15 years later, but I knew he was in contact with other girls while I was pregnant - I just thought it was going to end.

He had to brag to me about how desirable he was, what a sexual being he was - insatiable and what not. He has a bit of an ego issue. Narcissist doesn't begin to cover him.

Unfortunately that isn't the type of thing people get over. He has the same problems today. In fact he's screwed up subsequent relationships by his inappropriate behavior - and I'm not even referring to any potential sexual activity. He told his ex-wife he'd cheat on her with someone he found more compatible sexually because she just didn't do it for him - she was fine and fun and all that, but she wasn't the best he'd ever had. WHAT A MORON!!!

He remained verbally innapropriate towards me up until a year or so ago. I think hanging up the phone, and refusing to speak with him finally got it through his thick head.

Yet, I ramble.

Here's Four - I have found myself confused at my reaction to my friend, this one in particular, but also another friend who had a cheating partner and ended a serious relationship this year - I have been confused as to why I was so extreme in my reaction towards my brother's situation when a WOMAN cheated, and have felt so resigned and passive about my friends when it is a MAN cheating - even my own life, I have been cheated on repeatedly, almost every relationship I've been in, and never wanted to "kill the guy". My ex even got someone pregnant - we were seperated yet still married. He never told me when we reconciled. Yeah, found that one out the hard way. (I've got a lousy picker, I know, I'm not dating at the moment cause I need to fix it first.)

Is it age? Maturity? Society? Complacency? Was I brought up to believe that's how the world works? Am I just that jaded? Have I passed this fatalistic attitude on to my own daughter?

Cheaters are cheaters. It's a choice - not a passive choice, an active choice, and even though I may not be as outraged as I was ten years ago I find the behavior today even more reprehensible. Rather than rage I feel disappointment and dissolutionment with the world as I know it. People I trust, the people whom the people I love trust, friends and family - they should never betray you like that.

So, over the years, and after experiencing divorce myself, twice, when people tell me they're seperated or divorced rather than "Oh, that's too bad" - which it usually isn't - I try to say "Oh, that must have been hard" because making the decision to leave something you've committed to isn't necessarily a difficult choice, but it's not an easy thing to do, either.

Oh, what did I get myself in to?

So, I've accepted at a school half way around the world - there is a nine hour time difference to be precise, so it may not be exactly half way but it's pretty darn close.

And I've found a smokin' apartment...and signed a lease though I have yet to see the place...and have been paying rent...

And then I find my funding was cut, not in half, not even a third, but in fact I will be getting less than 1/7 of what I was expecting - and the calculations I was assured were correct were in fact thrown out the window....which is something Prague does to those unlikable leaders...in days past that is. Defenestration I beleive it is called. Something I am more than willing to revisit considering my present circumstances.

I am moving in 44 days to a country I've never been to, bringing my teenager with me, don't have the funds to pay our tutition, and won't have an answer on our visas for about another month. I have one way tickets in to Europe - which apparently require that we have valid visas or they will deny our entry. I feel totally screwed.

I know noone there. I don't speak the language. The dollar is dropping like mad so that crazy beautiful cheap apartment is still crazy beautiful but rapidly raising in rent....like crazy. In the past month I've had the rent raise more than I've ever had a landlord raise my rent here...and nothing has happened other than our economy seriously tanking.

WHAT, PLEASE TELL ME, WHAT WAS I THINKING?????

From Divine on Down - dewey debacle

So, tonight was my friend's birthday and we went to dinner and drinks...six of us left together in two cars - two in one and four in the other. The two left dinner and went home, the four of us went out drinking.

It was a very merry night - and after viewing the pics (forthcoming) some might say it was a very Mary night. Great friends, tons of laughter, company of the highest quality. And plenty of drinks.

Now, I am not slight thing by any stretch of the imagination, yet ya get a few drinks in me and I'm feeling it for quite a while. Seriously. I am rather paranoid about the whole driving thing, and yet know I've driven when I really shouldn't have. Tonight was not to be one of those nights - I was not the driver. But, back to me - a few drinks and I lose an accurate perception and my best judgement. Much like everyone else. I'm also used to my friends drinking more than me and not being impacted in the same manner - they contain themselves a bit better.

So, when we left the place it turns out the driver took a hard sudden left down a side street that caught a cop's attention - he was ahead of us and turned around to follow. He came up with some little infraction to pull us over and then quite politely hauled the driver out and ran him through the whole circuit of tests. Meanwhile, me and my two friends were sitting there stressing - fuck, shit, shut up, stop talking, fuck, can they do this, oh fuck!

So he blew too high. That's what happened. They arrested him and ran all our licenses for background stuff and explained he could either blow again for a formal reading then be released to a sober person or go get his blood drawn and stay in jail for the night. We were still in the car waiting for our ID. He couldn't make up his mind.

Finally, knowing how much I'd had to drink and sure it wouldn't work, I asked if I could blow and see if I'm sober in order to take chare of him - making sure first that if I were over .08 that I couldn't get in trouble for anything as I hadn't been driving and wasn't make a disturbance for a drunk in public citation. He said sure, and after several failed attempts at getting the machine working I finally blew - number unknown, but low enough to be legally sober and take custody of my friend.

After the paperwork and the rigamarole he was released and we went inside - were I had just promised he would stay the night. He grabbed his stuff to go for a walk and get some smokes. We checked with the officers to make sure he could leave without facing arrest, and got their consent. I went back inside.

And sat down. For a long time. And here's what I got out of it:

While we were signing paperwork a call came through - there had been a drunk driving accident - I
was so grateful to be where I was at that exact moment I heard the call, rather than being the reason
behind the call. It's not worth it.

Our driver had offered to drive for the night. That carries responsibilities - such as not drinking.
Now, my friend the host, my other friend, and I each may feel a bit of guilt - maybe since I
apparently was legal I should have been driving or at least offered, or some one else could have
driven or maybe we should have used a different person altogether, or come home instead of
stopping one last place, or or or... And while there may be some truth behind all those options - the
fact of the matter is that when one person takes on a responbility voluntarily there are obligations to
be upheld and other people are reliant upon them carrying those duties out.

Had I been aware that I blew a legal amount maybe I should have offered to drive - but I wasn't aware and didn't feel like that. I felt intoxicated. I wasn't paying attention to how much he was drinking. As far as I could tell he seemed fine - until he started talking with the officer that is.

There are other things that could have happened, and unfortunately it was a huge downer for my friends - the birthday guy and the driver - and totally avoidable. I feel terrible it happened, but I do not feel responsible despite the fact that legally I was more responsible than another. We each choose for ourselves in matters like this. Noone made him drive, noone made him drink. Those were his choices. Unfortunate choices, but ones he can learn from. Hopefully. And we as his friends and witnesses can too.

I am moving to a country with a zero blood alcohol driving policy - zero. Fortunately I will be restricted to public transportation and taxis so I won't have to worry about it.

I GOT ACCEPTED!

Now here comes the hard part...

What to do.

I know what I want to do, go and live and learn and love and grow and be happy. The logistics are working themselves out, I just need to be patient and let that finish happening.

The hard part is how to handle the child issue - which will be an intense but surmountable battle - and the dog, which is just a whole other matter.

The Kid is still holding out hope for an opening to arise, knowing she will be plucked from the list of alternates at one of the country's more presitgious boarding schools. Alternatively she has announced that she will be journeying with me. The Father, as uninvolved as he is in her daily life, will protest at the idea of her leaving the country - although he was fine with her moving cross-country - even though he will have the same amount of visitation and exposure to her either way. That is the surmountable part. She is nearly 15 and can decide for herself. In fact, she has decided and so now I will make sure that is what happens. And if she changes her mind and decides on something else then I will make sure THAT happens as well.

The dog - logistically, that will be a nightmare. Just getting her to and from the airport will be a nightmare. A great big one considering how neurotic she is. I'm not sure an international flight would be in her best interest. I've gotta figure something out.

Meanwhile I am trying to pay attention to the other big issues, like - um, where will we live? How will we get around? Visa stuff and renewing passports...Learning how to navigate the foreign police...Those minor issues that arise.

Like I said, everything will be worked out.

Dammit - the one thing I'm upset about today - the Dandy Warhols had a free listening party in SF tonight and I missed it! The only announced it yesterday and I couldn't get my act together in order to make it happen. I don't know if I'll ever get to see them!

News and Views

So, it turns out my virus thingy was a virus and also strep throat - I've been in bed sleeping and croaking out a very few sounds all week. It's Friday now, so it really has been all week.

I've been reading up on current news sites and such and am just getting rather overwhelmed by how depressing the world is - gas is rising, rice is rising, so are clothes and cars...in the Middle East people are now saying the Iraqi PM is a worse dictator than Saddam and predicting that in another 30 years the US will move to overhaul their government...again...for like the 4th or 5th time in the past century. People are crying, children are dying, governments lying. And I'm sleeping in my cozy bed. Complaining cause I can't really breathe well - which is sort of important - and my thoat hurts - which is like a -3 on the relevant-to-the-world meter.

And most of all - I AM SO SICK OF THE PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES! Seriously! There has been enough media coverage ALREADY for the ENTIRE DAMN ELECTION! I don't want to see or hear another word about who or what or where or why. I'm only starting to hate the candidates even more! And this is really bumming me out cause I believe we need a change and that McCain is not the best option of the three to effect it. I'm not saying either Clinton or Obama are the right choice, but I truly believe either one would be better than McC. And I'm starting to not care anymore.

Which should show what a depressed state I am in, because I also believe that there are few things more important to me as an American than caring and doing what can be done in order to ensure a certain quality of life for my child, redeem ourselves in international eyes, affirm basic standards of living are applicable to all citizens - housing, health care, food, etc, and work to protect our environment and slow down global warming cause we're too late to stop it! We need someone who cares.

And right now that someone isn't me. Which makes me sad. Wait, I'm sad - does that mean I care?

If you know that I'm sick...

Then why did you call?

I'm at home, in bed, with a terrible head cold, virus thingy, that's making it nearly impossible to think or swallow, and only just slightly easier to breathe.

My phone rings, and I can see it's a relative, so I answer, barely audibly,"'Lo?"

And the conversation ensues - "Oh, so I hear your not feeling too well"

"Yeah, I can barely talk " (that came out as a very gravely and quite painful whisper)
"
Oh, that. Yeah, so...." - and they were just gettin started. The conversation went on for a while longer, with me trying to get out a grunt ot two as required

Why? If you know I can't talk, why do you call and try to drag the words out of me? Give me a few days and I'll get 'em out myself

More of My Roommate's Food

So my roomie decided to cook again - brave decision after the lasagna expirement (scroll down for the pic). This time is was enchiladas....yes, some people thought her lasagna looked like enchiladas but seriously she decided to make enchiladas.

And at first she did really well - she made a TON, again, but decided to freeze some rather than cook a month's worth and then toss is all out. It was when the actual cooking started that there was a problem.

She came home somewhere about 6:30 or so and put the food in the oven.

I was out and about, and sometime around 11:30 I wandered in to the kitchen as I couldn't figure out what I was smelling - it smelled like bad brownies or something.

Nope, it was the enchiladas, still cooking away at about 450, five hours later.

So, I turned off the oven but was scared to take the smoldering dish out of the oven as I thought it might burst in to flames and burn the house down...if I left if in the oven it could burst in to flames and run out of oxygen....great logic, huh?

She didn't remember about the enchiladas for about 5 days - after turning off the oven I promptly forgot about them too.

When I remembered they were still there, waiting for someone to deal with it. I gave it to her - not my disaster - and rather than try to throw out the food and clean my dish, she just threw out everything with the promise to replace...

That was last week and two or three Target trips ago.

Right.

My one regret isn't telling her she could throw out the pan, it's that I didn't take a pic of it first. It was ridiciulous!

Like Musical Chairs but I Never Sat Down...it's Musical Bars

So tonight I was headed down to a local bar, a regular place, to meet a few friends for a drink and to check out the band - they have music on Thursday nights. Yet, when I got there, I realized not only were my friends not there, there wasn't any music either. Called up the people I was planning on meeting, texted others I'd like to see, and realized I was gonna be there on my own...not really up for it tonight, I was out to hang out with friends not make new drinking buddies.

So I walked down to the Stout Brothers cause I remembered a myspace bulletin that my friend Pat Jordan was playing and thought - he's a great guy and I like his music I'll drop by. And I did. And I ran in to his family who were friends with my family and then my phone rang so I went outside to answer (it was another friend letting me know she wouldn't make it) and then I ran in to another old friend who used to work with my ex-husband. A really cool guy, Jay. So Jay I and were standing there outside a coffee shop talking and catching up and this little kid comes out to get him and I'm confused as to what's going on and he tells me that he's backing up his cousin who is sitting inside the coffee house singing. Funny thing is - I thought it was my cousin in there singing...they are both professionals and have similar tones and ranges to their voice, play keyboard and guitar to accompany themselves, same height (at least it looks like that), similar profiles, same smiles and hair color. I was a bit confused.

So I stuck around a bit and listened to them play. And the guy was really good. Ryan Huston was his name, and you can hear him on myspace or buy his stuff on itunes or his website or whatever. Anyway, when they finished - and it was early cause they were in a coffee shop that had already closed and it was only 9, I went back down to Stout Brothers to see Pat again, and then decided it was time to make the treck back to my car...which I did quickly cause it was cold and I was in a t-shirt. I stopped back at my regular place but it was lacking friendly faces so I hopped back in my car, stopped to get some food and then came home to watch some BSG with the Kidlet before bed.

Now, I'm staying up super late hoping to hear from the school in Prague - or at least get a response to my emai requesting an update and more info on their application/admission time line. It's very confusing when directors refer to you being there and studying when you haven't been admitted yet. Urg.

My most favorite lizard ever!

FYI - I hate snakes. Really, really hate snakes. And I have a hard time with lizards too. Hate 'em. Why? Cause they look like snakes. Snakes with little stubby arms and legs and sharp claws. And they're too fast and move too sporadically to have a clue whether or not they're running away from you or running under your foot as you try to escape their habitat.

Most animals would run away. Squirrels sometimes don't know which direction to run either, and that's why you'll see them smooshed. I like squirrels. Smooshed squirrels can make me feel sad. Smooshed snakes, on the other hand, those bring me a sigh of relief, well, mixed with anxiety about there having been a snake within my smooshing vicinity - or for me to see it smooshed, cause that means it was once there alive and since I am now there living and viewing it, it once intruded upon my personal safety zone. Of course, though, I don't see smooshed snakes all that often. Most people around here either let them live free or chop their heads off and then dispose of both parts very carefully.

(Relevant side note - where I live we have rattle snakes and those are scary. If you happen to get "bit" by a dead snake then you can still be poisoned by their venom so be very careful around snakes even if they're dead.)

Smooshed lizards on the other hand - well, I don't see that all too often either. The birds try to get them before they can commit suicide under your car. Here, though, while walking the dog the other day, I found a smooshed lizard. Hope you like him. I've named him Sam.

Up in Annadel

These are some of the native plants up in the park behind my house. When the dog runs away, this is where she likes to go. When we take her for a walk, this is where she likes to go. I think the dog likes the park. I also think the lichen is stupendous. I once knew a guy named Lichen. We went to high school together. I also knew a guy named Rainbow. We made out.

California Should Be Our Own Country

I was talking with The Kid just now, about Tibet, Darfur, China, and Sudan, the Olympics and stuff...casual, reflective end of the day going to bed random 'why' and 'how come' and 'who do they' type stuff.

Anyway, we got on to the fact that here in CA we're a little more progressive than another of the United States as a whole - other states have metropolitan areas that might be cool and open and respectful and stuff, but here most of the state is pretty forward thinking...not all, but most.

And it got me to thinking - maybe we really should be our own nation.


We, as a state, have a leading economy, we have a strong GNP, we have a thriving agricultural industry, great exports, wonderful water ways for international shipping, desirable tourist attractions, a booming entertainment industry, share a border with another nation, and try to put in place reasonable regulations the federal government overrules as they're not that interested in doing all they can today to slow global warming. We are more tolerant and accepting, thrive with more diversity than most other states, and have our own sense of style, time, and speech.


We don't really have a lot of involvement with DC, we don't agree with Washington politics, we could definitely do with an overhaul to numerous governmental regulations, we have drugs approved here the Feds outlaw...I could go on but I'm tired.

Don't you think it's about time??

Mommyhood - and shit

It's not too often I get reflective about parenting, but this morning, while driving my kid to school, I started thinking about my relationship with her father. Not a pleasant one.

I got pregnant and married at nineteen. If you do one, don't do the other. Please. Life will be a lot easier for you. I was divorced before I was 21. What a way to start adulthood. That's the kind of description you're supposed to read about some 50 year old housewife married, a mother, no education or career, and now starting life over on her own .

It has not been an easy path. Relationships have been difficult - needy men versus my need to be a mother, getting through school has taken decades (ok, maybe just one), and oh yeah, regular every day life stuff too. One of the harder aspects of it all has been watching my nuckleheaded ex-husband fail to make an effort at fatherhood, and my child try to incorporate his ongoing rejection and indifference in to her life. He's such a failure, in general, that he doesn't realize his lack of involvement impacts his offspring. It does.

We fight. No, not so much, not after I learned how to just hang up a phone, or stay on the phone but not acknowledging the attempted detours and desperate deviations on the other end when matters like custody and support come up. What the hell, honestly, those don't just come up - they're the only the I have to talk about with him. Q. When are you actually going to show up? When did you send in a check? A Maybe in another week or two, and like on a Sunday, like around 1 or 2 and she'll be home by 3. Check, uh, yeah, I don't use checks anymore and the DA won't accept cash so I don't think I can pay support. We need to get it worked out at court, so you won't see anything for a while. This is your fault you know, if you didn't make me pay the DA I could just give you cash and I'd never be late or behind or anything but just cause I missed a few years you made the court take it over. You suck you know.

Seriously - these are the responses I get. No I just say, well thanks for letting me know, or, oh, well that's an interesting take on the situation. But I digress - better I do it here than on the phone.

My child's happiness is my utmost priority. I am in a state where I am trying to do everything I can for her, allow freedoms and yet push when needed, while providing unconditional support and love. Greatest most easy going Kid, ever. The Dad continues to make things difficult. Lies to The Kid, lies to me, gets caught by The Kid and lies some more - never fails to disappoint. And that's not just my take - I have to reign in The Kid and the honest yet unfortunate paternal observations - sad little jokes - such as - Dad said he'd be here by 10 on Saturday - I"ll bet you 20 bucks he calls at least twice to change it, won't show up to 1 on Sunday....or Dad said (fill in any sort of obligation here) followed by a genuine burst of laughter and confusion on everybody else's behalf and then the honest answer - he's a compulsive liar, and doesn't even realize it.

No child should have to life with a lack of respect for and a lack of love from a parent. Ever. Especially now when they're still growing and learning how to define relationships - shaping the world within their heart and learning how love feels within their truth. It's not fair. More, even, it's not right. That is an ultimate injustice - what innocent deserves rejection from those who should teach them strength, teach them love, teach them how to live?

Part of the problem is that being so young, you don't know how to put in to practice what you haven't experienced yet. Being so young, you feel mature, but you're a baby adult - you don't know how to be vulnerable, how to be responsible in a world beyond basic education, you don't know how to evaluate another's future potential beyond levels of attraction and entertainment, and you don't know that you don't know this. Ignorance is a heavily wielded weapon.

I am approaching 15 years later. Fifteen years of dealing with this guy - and let me tell you something I failed to appreciate all those years ago - he's a diagnosed sociopath - he is only capable of viewing the world and other people in ways that affect him, he truly cannot relate to any one on any level. Fifteen years of his selfishness, cruelty, and rejection thrown at my kid, and yesterday there was a bit of a breakthrough. Of sorts.

See, he was really dumb and went and got some other girl pregnant and had another kid. Now they're not together and fighting all the time. Comparatively I'm a saint - understanding, not argumentative - forget comparatively, I am a saint - understanding, not argumentative, focused on the problem in front of me and not the past, things like that. He finally acknowledged it. I tried to let this girl know, years ago when she was insecure in their relationship and thought I 'wanted him" - he's a disgusting person with no sense of responsibilty as - person or as a parent. The Kid was only about 10, and he was nearing $30,000 in past due child support...I can't stand looking at him - now, partially cause it reminds me what a terrible judge of character I was, partially because he exudes smarm and oozes this oilly energy - like a psychic soulsucker.

When ACCEPTED doesn't mean Accepted

So, this is the Prague Castle. It's not too far off from the school I've applied to. Funny thing that. I got an email from them the other day, with the heading - YOUR APPLICATION HAS BEEN ACCEPTED. I read through the email, ate a bit, then hopped in the shower. As I was soaping up I though - OMG! I GOT ACCEPTED!! All I could think about was the damn heading of the email and not a single bit of the content. It completely eluded me.

I was tempted to jump out and run over to the computer and check it again, but I was actually on a trip and a guest in someone's home and the computer was in the kitchen...saved myself from some major embarrassment by just finishing the shower, throwing some clothes on, and then rushing out to the kitchen.

And yes, the Anglo-American University in Prague has accepted my application. As in, they've accepted it is a submisison for review, not as in they've made a determination upon the merits and admitted me.

For that I have to wait a little while longer.

Meanwhile, my dreams are filled with medevial castles and rainbows.

March and Mayhem

So this is March, and it's apparent I have been neglecting my little haven here, apologies to you all.

Upcoming - or more appropriately - potential changes we're manifesting - and a few other things I've skipped

So, the kid is an alternate, Applied for boarding skill and applied for a full scholarship, which means if she gets in it is under the scholarship program and not just as a regular paying student...the whole me-not-working thing kinda interferes with my ability to pay a tuition greater than my gross income when I'm at my full time job, ya know...

Yeah. She's heard back, and she's an alternate - we're playing the waiting game again, but Choate Rosemary Hall - you'd better plan on make some room for the latest in our line of lovelies cause I'm believin she'll be there this next session!

Me - well, my application has been sent and processed and paid for - all handled way over there in Prague, yep. with the kid gone I"m plannin on leavin the country...even with a new administration we're the current scourge of the earth and I'd like to get some time learnin about the world and the role of nations in gobal development in a country that doesn't think they're the boss of everyone...damn it, you're not the boss of me - I remember saying that to my babysitters, and hearing my sister say it when I told her she was going to get in trouble for annoying me. - Go away, I'd say and in return - you're not the boss of me! I love my sister, and am most often saying, Come back! However, after many years afar and abroad - she's relocated to CA - central CA, but at least we're in the same state again!

So, we got a roommate - I'll upload some pictures of the house and her cooking which is extremely amusing - due to her embarassment factor she's asked that I not list her name with the photos. She cooks for two, most often, I mean when she does cook, it's usually for two. Yet last night I came home to 3 pans of lasagna - that is about 32 servings remaining after the two that were eaten by her and her son. She was cooking for 4 so she'd have left overs. We now have 3 practically full pans of lasagna filling my fridge and room for nothing more. And she's gone for the weekend. And I'm not a big lasagna eater. Where's Garfield when you need him?

__________________

Here's her lasagna. No, no, seriously, they're all lasagna.

I am so over rehab in any sense of the word!

Thank God I'm done with the Bridge - it was supposed to be the bridge, the pathway to physical well being, but let me say I was far - very far from prepared for my return home. I didn't know what to expect or how to handle coming off so much methadonea & oxy and have been a physical flop...exhausted, achey, tired beyond words but mentally alert and frustrated.

I spent my first week at home with this great little bridge world between reality and fantasy - and let me say that I preferred my fantasy world...it was so much easier, well, probably because it was just an hallucinatory dream world, of course.

I know I never want to return to that world - and here's the hard part. My body is screaming at me to give it something to feel good - I've been on massive - truly massive, the Utah Doc wouldn't refill my Rx cause it was dangerous in his opinion - amounts of methadone and a ton of other drugs, and now I'm on nothing, nothing at all, and all these empty neurotramsitter cell spots are begging - give me something good, something yummy, exciting, thrilling, dangerous, enticing, erotic, illegal, or overload - we need to offset the emptiness with a new high...and I hear them calling and it feels so true and yet I refrain from engaging in conversation as that is one quick path down the road to misery and pain.

Done it. I don't want my physical recovery process to lead me to some sort of addiction issue - and the pull is so strong, and the chemical confusion inside is exactly what turns former legit Rx patients in to hardcore illegal addicts....no thanks.

This internal battle is pretty tiresome too.

And I find I need new things upon which to focus, as I'm still not working.

So - here are a few:

I am returning to school on a full time basis.

I am experiencing and rejoicing in my discovery of Watsu - and considering training if I can figure out how to afford it.

I am applying to school in another country. - OH YEAH - forgot, my super cool mini super genius has decided to applying to boarding school and so will no longer be around for me to mother after this summer...which allows me to move and make choices based solely upon my desires.

And there you have it for today.

Peace.